i resolve

My full list of resolutions can be found on my "other blog" by visiting the link in the left navigation portion of this page... but as far as my Mommy Resolutions,

I resolve:

1) To not give up on Story, Tim or myself, no matter what obstacles I face. Walking away to catch a breath is one thing, but I'll always jump back in the fray.

2) To try to enjoy every little minute with Story that I can. She's already growing up so quickly and I want to live in the moment.

3) To be easier on myself. I don't have to be perfect all of the time. I'm not a terrible mother if I fail.

4) To be as healthy and happy as I can be.

5) To breastfeed Story for a full year, at least. Even if I have to supplement with formula at times, keep on breastfeeding her as much as I can.

I can honestly say that a year ago I had no clue I would have a child by this point in my life. We decided to start "trying" last January and, somehow, in my funny brain I thought it would be years before I would be a mom. But honestly, Story knew when we needed her. To bend a silly quote from the Lord of the Rings,

"A Story is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to."

Well, I'm glad you arrived in '08. Here's to the fun '09 will bring, including: sitting up on your own, eating solid foods, crawling, holding your own bottle, babbling and starting to stand and walk!

on taking our baby's temperature...

"You turn it on, you put it in her butt and wait for it to beep. It's not rocket science."

Said to Tim when he asked me just how to use the rectal thermometer on Story.

first fever

Story has been feeling a bit warm to me today, so I finally ponied up and took her temperature. She has a 100.7 fever :( Called the pediatrician and she said to administer tylenol and keep an eye on her.

I am so nervous and scaredn. I know this is only the first of many, but it's scary nonetheless. She's so listless and obviously cranky/grumpy. My nerves are totally on edge.

I just want her to be all better :(

vaccinated!

Story had her first rounds of vaccinations today. It was really scary and rough to watch her go through the four shots (OK...I had to cover my eyes while tim watched. I'm a real wuss.) I strongly believe in vaccination, though, so I feel that it's all for the best.

It's interesting that, due to all of the vaccination outcries by ridiculous people like Jenny McCarthy, our pediatrician went into extreme details about what each disease that we're vaccinating against does to people and why these vaccinations are necessary. Listening to the sympotms of polio, tetanus and the like, I found myself imagining those symptoms happening to Story and it just tore me up. Scary stuff.

I found myself crying afterwards, but not for Story and fear of what she was going through. I was crying thinking about all of the children NOT being vaccinated.

(steps onto soapbox)

The recent anti-vaccination movement really scares me. Though a part of me says, "eh... not my kid. Every parent has the right to their own methods and choices concerning their child's well-being," another part of me says, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" The fact that a whole bunch of parents are refusing to vaccinate their children based on unfounded links between vaccinations and autism is so unfathomable to me. I feel that these parents are so vehemently refusing vaccination because they have grown up in a time of privilege, a time when, thanks to the common use of vaccination in the U.S., they haven't had to deal with what pre-vaccination mothers endured- having one or two children in five live to adulthood, watching your child die of polio, witnessing scores of babies die of any of the diseases we now vaccinate against. Because of this, these mothers live in a sort of rebellious ignorance. One that could, in a worst-case scenario I hope doesn't happen, have these same mothers and fathers who are currently "speaking out against vaccination" on television watching their child die of a measles outbreak or other illness due to their actions.

The compassionate side of me tries to understand Jenny McCarth and other mothers of autistic children who jump to point the finger at vaccinations for their child's condition. As a parent, I have already found myself wondering if every time Story is upset, has tummy pain, hasn't gained weight correctly or gone through some other road bump it's because of me or something I did to her unwittingly. In that aspect, I can understand parents of autistic children wanting someone to blame and vaccinations are an easy scapegoat. Now, I'm not an autism scholar. I'm only a parent who has done resarch and has satisfied my own conscience to the belief that there is still no concrete evidence that shows vaccines cause autism.

Our pediatrician said something that really shook me up at our first interview. When talking with us about how her practice vaccinates all of their patients and explaining to us why, I pointed out how I was 100 percent pro-vaccination and was a bit worried about the increasing numbers of people not vaccinating their children. To this, she replied,

"Well, sadly, it'll only take one mass outbreak of measles in California or Colorado, where parents are refusing to vaccinate in large numbers, and a bunch of children dying to stop this trend."

And the thing that freaks me out is that she's right. God I hope it doesn't happen. But seriously? It's scary.

Anyways, VACCINATE YO KIDZ!

(steps down from soapbox)

Now several hours post-vaccination, Story is totally happy and vocal, smiling and talking to me while hanging out in her boppy. She's still got her cute little band-aids over her shot areas, but she doesn't seem at all affected by the vaccines. I worry about her having a fever, being cranky or fussy and unhappy from the after effects of the vaccines... but you know what? It's nothing compared to what she could go through if I refused to give them to her.

OK, gotta go hang out and shriek/coo with my daughterling!

dress mischief managed

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Oh, husband!

Holiday season means awesome parties and the chance to dress up and actually have adult conversation. This week, I have my own work Christmas party and the hubby's parties to go to. I feel so lucky to have found help watching Story for these events. However, there is a little snag w/ the hubby's party.

ME: I have to figure out what to wear this weekend for the party.
HUBBY: You can wear your Gala dress.
ME: Uh, no I can't. I wouldn't fit into it. And it's a bit dressy anyways. It's a black tie dress.
HUBBY: The party is black tie. And you'd totally fit into it.
ME: What? You didn't mention that! And no, I am still 30 lbs away from fitting into that dress.
HUBBY: They don't really mean it.
ME: Was it on the invitation?
HUBBY: Yeah. But I'm sure you can just wear something dressy.

That's boys for you. Bless him for thinking I look just as I did pre-baby, but there is NO WAY I'm going to fit into that dress. So, off to Le Target today to fing an affordable dress and cute shoes. Thanks to hubby's parents who are watching Story.

Life is Bliss, Life is Weird

Behold a Day in the Life of Me

6-6:30 a.m.- Story has her first morning feeding, falls back asleep
7:00 a.m.- Wake up, have breakfast, shower and pump while Tim watches Story.
7:30 a.m.- Tim wakes up. I wrap up whatever "Me Time" activity I'm engaged in and get ready for the work day.
8:30 a.m.- Tim leaves for work. Story and I settle in for our day together.
8:30-11:30 a.m.- Thus starts Story's main eating block, so we hunker down for some TV and "one handed blogging" time. TV usually consists of: What Not to Wear, CSI, Food Network, TLC Baby Shows, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Dexter, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and anything else I find on TV that amuses me. During this time, I am also juggling feeding Story at least 2 times if not more, making sure I have healthy snacks handy, drinking tons of water, pumping when I can and changing tons of diapers. Also, Story has a "Morning Coos/Gurgles of Happiness Rock Block" of fifteen minutes or so that occurs at some point in this time.
11:30ish- Have One Handed Lunch. Usually soup, pre-mixed salad, leftovers, a sandwich... pretty much whatever I can wrangle with Story in a sling. Try to convince Story that her musical Rainforst Swing is the best thing ever and that she should hang out in it for 10-15 minutes before freaking out so I can have lunch unfettered. Sometimes it works (thanks so so much Jess! She's finally taking to it.)
Noon-1:30ish: Feed Story again and surf the intarwebz until Story starts to yawn/show sleep signs.
1:30-2:30/3p.m.- Story and I nap in bed with the kitties. They always look vaguely put-off to see us come up and join them in their quiet sanctuary.
3 p.m.-4 p.m.- Walkies/exercise/outings to the store.
4 p.m.-6:30 p.m.- "Unhappy Hour" starts, aka a fussy time of day for Story. I wait desperately for Tim to come home so I can pass her off and clean/make dinner/get a bath/go to Yoga/Whatever the heck I can do to get a moment to myself.
7:00 p.m.- Dinner. Usually consisting of either me feeding Story while eating or Tim feeding her while eating.
8:00 p.m.- CooFest, starring Story. She has really taken to talking a bunch to me at this time each night and smiling like crazy. I live for 8 p.m.
8:30 p.m.- 10:30 p.m.- Tim, Story and I watch a movie, or talk and hang out, or do chores, or watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until we're all sleepy.
10:30 p.m.- Tim swaddles Story (he's the best at it.) Story and I go upstairs to bed, where I read her a fabulous bedtime story (either Entertainment Weekly, The Book of Vice: Very Naught Things and How to Do Them or The Giving Tree) while she eats and falls asleep.
11 p.m.- 6:30 a.m.- Sleep fitfully on our badly busted bed (caving in the middle, but no fear! We have a new one being delivered Saturday. THANK GOODNESS for amazing Grandma Wesemeyer and her generous Christmas gift!), with Story waking anywhere from 1-3 times for feeding, depending on whether she's growth spurting or not.

rinse, repeat. No, it's not really as structured as it sounds, either, as there's always room for a little spontaneity on either Story/my part. Sometimes, we completely throw off all sanity and go out for social calls with Grandma Suze, Nana or have lovely callers stop by to do lunch or hangouts.

It's really a lovely life, if not a bit hectic. Whoever thinks that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't a full time job, consider this: at least working professionals get breaks to eat, go to the bathroom alone and can leave after approximately 8.5 hours or so. Still, I get the benefit of having an awesome coworker who enjoys a good mid-day nap as much as I do.

Which brings me to another thought...

I realized while at an awesome cookie party on Sunday that a lot of this blog makes it sound like I am constantly stressed out/freaked out about being a mom. While that is definitely a truth part of the time, for the most part it's not. I really think that having Story has been the single awesomest thing that has ever happened to me. And spending my days with her lately has been a welcome challenge and an amazing blessing.

I think I post a lot of my struggles and trepidations because I feel like it's important for me to vent about them and seek solace in other moms I know. It is, in some funny way, my tapping into the Mommy Brain Trust out there and checking out some wisdom to help with the hard parts. I also post about the rough times because I hope some of the solutions I've gone through could help other moms I'm friends with, or at least give them comfort in knowing they're not alone. In some of my darkest moments, it helped to have other moms out there that I knew who blogged and were honest about their own struggles, as it helped me not to feel like the Worst Mom Ever 2008. So I hope my honesty helps pay some of that good karma back.

Ok, enough for now. Time to go spend the last few minutes before bed buying Tim his last present. Story, that lucky gal, is getting... wait for it... MORE CLOTH DIAPERS! YAY! Seriously though, I'm going to wrap some of them up so she has something to open :)

this blog is a changin!

I've realized lately that Story really isn't a larva at all anymore, hence I will be changing the name of this blog in the next day or two.

The new blog address will be storyslife.blogspot.com.

I'll try to hold onto the other address to redirect here for a bit, but please uodate your bookmarks!

Dream Dinners update

So, we've been doing Dream Dinners for several months now and I have to say that it has been a pretty good experience on the whole. A lot of the meals have been super tasty and easy to prepare. It's also saved us a bit of cash, which is great in these leaner times. Seriously, some of the meals (like their crab pinwheels and stuffed shells) have been smack-yo-mama good! I have received may high fives from the hubby.

The only downsides have been that just as some of the meals have been stellar, some have been pretty bad AND the cook time on a lot of the meals we've had lately don't make it a convenience for us (a lot of th emeals we first found had only 10-20 minute cook times, now we're finding most have 50 minute plus cook times.) Not only are we talking bad taste-wise, but quality wise as well. Two that come to mind are their citrus tilapia (which has turned us off from getting fish dishes in the future) which tasted way too fishy and bland and the pork paprika, which was watery and downright gross.

Because of this, we will probably cut back our meals in the future and be choosier about getting dishes we've tried and liked. That means going back to meal planning/buying more groceries, but I'm actually a bit excited by it. I think we'll still try to do Dream Dinners for the next few months during the weeknights, but I'm getting to a point where Tim and I can manage cooking on the weekend.

Plus, cooking is actually really stress relieving for me and I miss putting dinners together from scratch.

I'd still recommend a service like Dream Dinners to anyone trying to save some time and money on meals (especially new parents.) But I kind of can't wait to cut down on them a bit.

brilliant, just brilliant

This is just amazing. The Cure as baby music? It's sooooooooo pretty. I really thought it would be cheesy as all hell, but then the hubby and I heard some of them on this wonderful documentary, Goth Cruise, last night (a very good documentary, for those of you with Comcast. It's under the IFC Free movies.)

It makes my inner goth squeeeeeeee with happiness. And it's just so dreamy and nice. I totally plan on playing it while Story and I nap today.

PS- Thanks to all of you for your support with my milk issues :) You rock. I think that women in our culture are made to feel so responsible for every little thing we can or can't do for our babies, it's just unfair. But whatever happens with Story, I'm proud I've already made it this far. My goal is six months at least, a year plus if I can manage. We'll see.

More Breastmilk Woes/Worries

It's freaky for me to realize I only have about 5 weeks left before I go back to work. That means only five weeks to establish a good stash of breastmilk to feed Story during the day while she's in daycare. I'm pumping as much as I can get in, when she's not eating like a crazy monster...

But there's a problem. I still have low supply. I've done everything I've felt I can to increase my supply and, though I definitely have enough to feed Story every few hours, I still only get about 4oz tops at a time when I pump. And that is only at peak pumping/supply times. I usually get about 1-2 ounces on average.

I feel like I've tried everything to get to the level that other gals I read about are at. Women on my baby boards talk about getting 8 oz or so per pumping session and I just feel so worthless. I know, it's crazy to feel worthless because I make less milk, but there ya go. I do. And I've tried so desperately to raise my output- drinking Mother's Milk teas, taking multivitamins, pumping more, anything I can do to up the ante. And though I saw some rise, I seem to have hit my plateau.

Which leaves me conflicted. If I keep on pumping religiously before I go back to work, I'll probably have enough of a stash to get Story through the first couple of weeks, up to the first month at most. I wanted to continue to exclusively breastfeed her, but I'm worried I just won't have enough stashed to be able to do that.

I've resolved myself to try as hard as I can and, if I can't make enough milk to keep up, I may consider supplimenting with formula. I don't think there's any shame in supplimenting with formula, nor do I have issues with moms that exclusively use formula. I just feel like a failure, again, for not producing as much as other women. I want so badly to only breastfeed Story, it just hurts to think I won't be able to keep it up when I go back to work.

Sigh.. off to pump again. In the meantime, I still have more wacky home remedies to try out to increase milk supply... oatmeal, anyone?

speaking of nursing covers... BRILLIANT GIZMO

I was just searching etsy for nursing covers when I found this:



nursing clips from modestmilk. turns any blanket you own into a nursing cover! And it's uber affordable!

mom = mark?

Since becoming a mom, I've discovered a lot of great inventions that have made my life easier. I've also discovered a ton of "must have" items that are total scams. I get so annoyed at what are, to me, over-priced items created to make money off of flustered, nervous new moms.

Case-in-point, nursing covers. I'm in the market for one because I find there are times I want to breastfeed Story in public and block out stimuli so she can chill out. I just checked out a brand name one and they want $45 for what amounts to no more than a cheapo rectangle of fabric with a couple of ties for your neck to keep it on. Literally, like five bucks or so worth of fabric and minimal sewing skills.

Yeah, I get that you pay for convenience, but come on! That kind of mark-up is crazy. And I see it all the time: baby wraps, nursing clothes/bras, diaper bags... And there's this odd undertone that if you don't buy these things, you're a bad mom. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Well, all I can say is thanks for etsy.com. I've found all these items on there for half the price or less. And just as good if not better quality.

But seriously...I'm a mom, not a mark!

baby soothing is weird

I spoke too soon yesterday, as the rest of my day took a bad u-turn into fussy babyville. Story was nursing what felt like 24-7, with only maybe half an hour to an hour between feedings. Every time I put her down for a nap, she started wailing and was generally pissed. Even when I tried to put her down so I could take a moment to myself, to try and do a little yoga or hell, eat once in a while, she started bawling and screaming bloody murder.

I found myself breaking down and crying at multiple moments yesterday, begging Story to stop crying and pleading her at the end of each nursing to chill out and let me please please please get something to eat. Nope, she was not having it. This made me even more exhausted, upset and, at times, angry. Though the very real, adult part of my brain said, "she can't help it, she's a baby," there was the emotionally and physically drained part of me that found myself getting so annoyed with her and angry at myself for not being able to soothe her. At these times, I put her in her pack n play and did some deep breathing for a moment or two until I felt better.

I will again reiterate that I think parenting an infant is an amazing strength and character builder, it makes you a superparent. I've had to meet so many challenges with very little sleep and complete ignorance of how to solve the problem and, though at times I've felt like I can't do this, that I'm the worst parent on the planet, I've found that Story and I can figure this stuff out in the end. All I've needed to do was take a step back, breathe and allow myself to break down once in a while. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to know how to solve everything off the bat. It feels like I should be perfect, but I'm allowed to feel defeated once in a while, as long as I collect myself and jump back into the fray.

Now, in retrospect I think there were a few possible reasons for why Story was in such a terrible mood yesterday.

1) She's hit the 6 week growth spurt and is eating like crazy in order to grow.
2) I ate REALLY spicy tuna sushi for the first time in a long time and it went through my milk and upset her tummy and tastebuds (I already had a day like yesterday a week or so ago because I ate really spicy salsa.)
3) I was trying to do too much on my first day alone. I kept trying to constantly pump between feedings to increase my supply more, clean up the house a bit and do some knitting.

Whatever reason she was upset, today seems to be going better. She's still been ravenous, but she's also been happy and fun to deal with. I already resolved myself to get very little done today, besides some grocery shopping as a mental health outing (new moms NEED to get out once a day if they can, in my opinion. It helps you break free of your mommy-bubble of a house and interact with actual speaking humans...), but besides that I plan on being lazy and feeding Story as much as she needs it, no worries about pumping or anything else.

Now, to address the title of this post...

In order to feed S and continue to pump, I tried out the wacky idea of feeding her on one breast and pumping the other at the same time. What resulted was the most amusing thing I've seen in a long time.

As soon as the pump starts going, S goes from being awake and engaged to heavy-lidded, lethargic and sleepy. The sound of the pump put her to sleep! No kidding! She completely conked out! She then woke up when I turned it off, so I put her on her boppy and turned it on again. The result? You got it, totally sleepy baby!

She is currently in her pack-n-play and taking a nap, which is AMAZING. It's so funny what works at soothing babies. Seriously, they are the BEST science experiment ever!

Ok, off to do Yoga while she's still sleeping :)

too much fun

Story spent about 1/2 hour this morning just cooing and smiling at me. I put her on her Boppy pillow (which she usually hates) and she just smiled and smiled at me, interjecting "hunh"s and "aaah"s of joy. It was AMAZING. She was so happy and animated, like I've never seen before. She started it when Daddy came down to leave for work and just kept on going until she got hungry. Just fabulous.

It's like every day she gets more and more of a personality. It's just so awesome! Yay for fabulous baby!

Today is my first full day on my own since Tim went back to work. Though he went back last Wednesday, I spent all the days he was at work with family for the holidays, so I had tons of help and support. But today, I am all on my own for the first full, straight day.

I plan to spend the day lazing about, making some important phone calls regarding medical bills and such and POSSIBLY getting some knitting done, we'll see. After the last few people-filled days, I think both Story and I need a quiet day at home.

Story's First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is literally a family rock-block for us. We start off with Tim's family coming in a day or two before, and thus begins all day visits with his large family and our Thanksgiving day fun with mine. Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday to spend with our families, as it's almost like an festival concert or something. And it's gluttony-tastic, with Thanksgiving day, Chinese food night, Seafood day and then leftover time.

I was a bit worried about Story and how she'd handle this kind of intense, people-ladened time. She's spent most of her existence in our tiny home, hanging out with Tim and I, kind of secluded from other humans. It's not that we're trying to coddle her, but it's freakin' cold out (and holiday shopping season, which means it's hell to get around and go to malls where we could do some indoor walking...) I was worried that she'd get really overstimulated and be a crying mess the whole time.

Wednesday was the first day I went over to Tim's parent's house, which just happened to coincide with his first day back at work. I went over early because I was nervous about my first day handling Story all by myself, so I felt like it would be great to hang out around family. And it was! Tim's family are totally cool about me breastfeeding, so I had lots of company while S ate up a storm. And everyone was so wonderful about wanting to hold her and help me get some downtime.

It was similarly laid-back at my sister's house, though they weren't as cool with breastfeeding (well, my sister was... but mom told me to be more modest, which kind of ticked me off. oh well, we all have our different comfort zones.) It was so cute to see my niece caring for S and feeding her, too. It was just awesome to have so much love and help from family. It's not that I expected less, but it was still so wonderful.

However, S did get REALLY overstimulated. I found that at about 3pm each day she would get really fussy and angry at all the stimulation. Tim's mom had a great solution for this, which was to throw a blanket over her to shield out the light and some noise. I called this the "parrot effect" and it worked pretty well. However, Tim found the surefire solution, which was to put her in our Premaxx Sling Carrier and close the drawstrings all the way, which shut out the light and noise as well as gave her a nice rocking motion when Tim walked her around. This put her out lickety split! I just love how parenting makes us discover all of these amazing toys and contraptions!

Today is Family Home Thanksgiving with Amy, La, Josh and possibly Katie/Dingo. Even though the last few days were fun, I'm so glad to have one to ourselves at home and then a relaxing dinner with a few friends. I think S needs a day to wind down.

Cloth Diapering is easy... really!

I will humbly admit that we used regular old, environment-harming diapers for the first month of Story's existence. I had bought a bunch of cloth diapering supplies and was sure I'd be good to go by the time she got here, but then she was so small at birth that none of them would fit. That, combined with all the stress and lack of sleep from the first few weeks of us adjusting to her in our lives meant we figured it was worth it to use disposable diapers for the first few weeks or so.

I also must admit that a little bit of why we didn't start it up was because we were scared. No matter how many tutorials I'd read online or people I'd talked to about their experiences, I was really anxious about actually using cloth diapers. I kept imagining all these leaks and gross, soppy prefolds. So, there you have it... I can dance with giant, flaming fans without a second thought, but cloth diapers freaked me the heck out.

One good facet of my personality is that I definitely know myself well enough to know how to get around my own bullshit. So, I woke up one morning and decided it was time to jump in. I got up, changed her out of her disposable diaper and put on a cloth diaper and cover. I resolved myself and put the hubby on notice that we would be cloth diapering from now on, with the occasional disposable if need be. And we haven't looked back since.

And yes, as you can tell by the post title, it's WAY easier than I thought. I totally don't know why I was so scared in the first place, to be honest. The hardest part about prefolds is getting down how to fold them, of which there are several methods. Once I got down the fold I preferred, it got easier and easier each time to change Story in no time flat. The only other challenge was figuring out which covers fit and worked best, but in the end I found that most covers are fabulous at containment. They're also darned cute.

So far, I'm a huge fan of indian prefolds with Bummis SuperBrite covers or Mimas PUL covers (an awesome chick who sells her stuff on Etsy.) We've also used a BumGenius diaper, which was great, too, but I like the fact that I can reuse covers with multiple prefolds, whereas the BumGenius is a single use n wash diaper.

Man, look at me, I sound smart :)

But seriously, I feel like I'm becoming a diaper genius. And really, it's not any big deal, because it's much easier than it seems.

OH and Amy La, I finally got to use the wool soaker you knitted for her! I put it on her today so she could have some extra protection without wearing a full crawler onesie and it was SO CUTE. I'll have to take a picture :)

growing and growing

Story had her one month appointment at the pediatrician's today and it went wonderfully. She has yet again grown WAY more than either Tim or I could have guessed. Within the past week, she has put on a whopping 10 ounces and has grown two inches (though I think, in all honesty, that those two inches occurred over time.) But seriously, it's amazing that she went from barely gaining weight to packing on the ounces. Good job, daughter!

She's also started making little cooing and "uhn" noises, which is just the sweetest and cutest thing to behold. It's just so damned cool how she seems to do something new and different every day. I have to admit that I'm a bit sad to think that I'm going to miss so much when I go back to work. Tim is already sad in advance when he thinks of what he'll miss when he goes back to work in a week. I wish we had tons of money so we could both stay home and just bask in her awesomeness... oh well.

Best and Worst

There's a lot of crap that they market to moms out there, most of which is utterly useless. I have to admit that I fell into the new-mom trap of buying some gimmick items that I totally didn't need. I also was given some awesome stuff that I never even thought to ask for. So, I'm listing my best and worst mom items in this thread for the benefit of my mom-friends out there (and I've decided to keep this thread posted in the lefthand navigator bar for future updates.)

BEST

Born Free Bottles- These are the only bottles Story will use at this point (1 month old.) They are just the right size for her and the nipples give just the right amount of suction. I introduced these bottles at three weeks to give her some supplemental milk and they haven't interfered with breastfeeding that much. I notice a small difference, but nothing major. And I think this is because, unlike a couple of the other bottle types we bought, these look the most like real nipples. And I love the fact that they're BPA free and so sturdy.


Gillian O'Malley Nursing Sleep Bra- When I first bought this, I missed the "sleep bra" portion of the description. I literally picked it up in a frantic dash to Target after we brought Story home because I kept putting off buying nursing bras. When I got to Target, this was the only one they had in my size and I was desperate. So, after using it a few times, I was hating on it because it was so lacking in the support category and it made me look like Mrs. Ugly Saggyboobs. However, when I went to hate on it and checked it out on Target's site, I realized it's a sleep bra. Huh. Well then I love it, because it's so comfy and just perfect for sleeping. And yeah, if you're anything like me, you'll need a bra for sleeping. It helps contain the leaks and makes life much more comfy.

Itzbeen- My friend Casey got us one of these and it's amazingly useful. Though it seems so simple in its construct, it's brilliant. It times when you last changed the baby, fed the baby, how long the baby has been sleeping. It's been especially great for timing breastfeeding.

Kiddopatamus Swaddle Me Blanket- I LOVE THIS THING. LOVE LOVE LOVE. A wonderful coworker bought this for me and it's like solid gold. Swaddling correctly can be such a pain with regular blankets, but this one is so simple. Just tuck the baby in, wrap the two velcro flaps around em and you're done. It's so soft and the velcro is really strong, it's definitely worth way more than ten bucks! Plus, I'm a sucker for the bear velcro clasps.

Medela Freestyle Breast Pump- I haven't really ever used another pump to compare it to, so I can't say this one is better than any other. But I can say that this pump does a wonderful job, is fairly comfortable and allows me to walk around and do stuff, if I feel like it. It's relatively quiet (though I still feel like the motor sounds like it's saying, "Mooo, mooo, mooo...") and has these awesome attachments that fit my nursing bras to keep the pumps in place. Plus, it comes in a nifty bag that I use to cart it around in when we go visiting places so I can still pump regularly.
Pack n Play/Playard- I totally thought these were useless, but they have been such a lifesaver. Especially for those of you with multi-level homes or who spend time in your backyard gardening, bbqing or just hanging out a lot, these are a must-have. It's so convenient to have a combo changing table, playard and bassinet.

Target Nursing Tanks- I can't believe that a tank this cheap is this good. I bought a Bravado tank (see below) and, while it's nice and supportive, it SUCKS as far as ease of use goes. It kind of blows my mind that the "cheapo" tanks I bought at target, literally less than half the price of the Bravado tanks, are just as comfy and are WAY more convenient to use. These tanks are cute, nice and long in the torso and can be opened and closed with one hand, in seconds flat. They also aren't too thick material wise, so they don't ride up as easily. And for the price, I could get them in multiple colors without breaking my budget.

LovelyDuds baby wrap- We have every kind of carrier possible: baby bjorn, sling and then this thing, which is basically one long piece of fabric. And I love them all for their different uses, but this one is definitely my favorite. It keeps Story nice and close and is totally easy to use. Not to mention, it looks pretty on and can grow with her.

Zippered Sleep n Plays- These are literally the best articles of baby clothing ever. They're cheap, cute and so easy to get our girl in and out of. They cover all the basic needs- ease of use, warmth, cuteness and affordability. I LOVE THEM. I started off using a lot of the snappy onesies that were given to us, then, after getting a few of these from Target, I promptly went back and picked up tons more. Between these and sleep gowns, I'm set.

WORST

Bravado Nursing Tank- As I mentioned above, I am not a huge fan of these tanks. I'm really impressed by the amount of support they offer for bigger ta-ta ladies like me (I'm about an E now.) These tanks definitely feel like you're wearing a very supportive sports bra and that's definitely a plus. But even the wonderful support and fairly flattering form don't make up for its issues as far as ease of use go. First off, they have these odd circular clasps that are very hard to fasten with one hand. Sure, I can get them off easily, but getting them back up is a real pain to do one-handed. And then there's the issue of pumping. Though my pump comes with several bra-style attachments, the Bravado circular clasp style seems to be proprietary, wherease the cheapo Target tank is standard. So, I have to do this crazy jury-rigging to get the Bravado tank to work with my pump. NOT fun. And finally, the material is such a thick stretch material that yeah, it does do a bit of shaping... but it also rolls up easily and feels kind of cloistering. And at fifty bucks each, these just don't seem worth it.

Snap Up Crawlers/Sleep-n-Plays- I don't know why in this age of zippers they still make these things. Trying to snap a squirming, upset baby into one of these is like hell on earth. Picture this: your kid is already annoyed at being stripped down and having its nice, warm, poo filled diaper removed so you can wipe them down and force them into a new one. They are kicking, squirming, crying and complaining. Now, try to get those legs and arms into a snap up sleep-n-play. Yeah, hell. You want something that can zip up in a flash so that your baby can be nice and cozy again, not some article of clothing you have to keep snapping and re-snapping when they kick and unsnap the whole damned thing. URGH.

win baby legwarmers!

Win 20 Pairs of Baby Leg Warmers from babySNAZZ!


had to post this nifty contest shared by Amy on her blog. Thanks!

waiting game

It's so frustrating waiting to be cleared to do higher impact exercise. I understand that I had major surgery and I respect that. I'm not saying that it makes sense for me to be so frustrated right now, but I do. Before getting pregnant, I was a very active person- I danced, taught dance, did yoga, pilates and the occasional jog/run. Now, I spend most of my time sitting on a coach, feeding my daughter, watching way too much tv and knitting when I can. I know, TOUGH LIFE, but it actually is a bit like torture. I see my bellydance dvds and I yearn to get up and dance for hours, I see my yoga mat and I daydream about doing an intense yoga practice. But I can't do either of these things, as my surgery involved separating my abdominals and cutting through tons of layers of flesh, fat and uterus.

My body just feels antsy. This is only made worse by staring at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the flabby, stretch-marked belly and body that stare back at me. I've always been a curvier girl, but I've had very well defined abdominal muscles and strong things and arms from dance and yoga, so this body doesn't feel like my own. It feels like someone else hijacked my body, took it for this wild nine month spin and dumped it back on my doorstep, all odd and stretched out.

I understand that this, too, will all pass in time and I'l be back to my old self before I know it... but for now I feel like I've got cabin fever in my own skin.

I think I'm going to call my ob/gyn tomorrow and see what exercises I am cleared to do for now. Maybe I can do some low impact yoga? I'm already walking when I can, even though it's gotten pretty gross outside. I just don't know how long I can take being so sedentary.

gettin fat!

Woohoo!

Just came back from the pediatrician and Story is up a whopping 11 ounces from her last weigh in a week ago!!! She's back to her birth weight and all is going fabulously. Just goes to show how odd babies are with their growth spurts. I also am quite happy to find that my new feeding/pumping techniques have worked!

I have to admit that I wasn't surprised that she had gained weight. In the past few days, she's all but outgrown a bunch of the newborn onesies we bought for her. It's really cool, but also a but stunning to notice that one day your baby fits into something and the next you can barely squeeze them in. Human growth is so amazing!

It's also been great to have Tim be able to feed Story via bottle. It's really wonderful to watch him bond with her in that way. It's also nice that I can now get a 4 hour block of sleep in once in a while at night.

Speaking of which, off to go be lazy while Story takes a nap. It's rainy, so I feel a hot drink and internet surfing fiasco coming on.

My best advice... pt 1 (or something)

First off, thanks Rachel for the kind comment about my honesty on this blog. I have found that the honesty that other friends of mine posted in their blogs really helped me to get through some rough spots in the pregnancy and motherhood department, so I'm trying to follow suit. Oh and nice to meet ya via internet.

Now, for the BEST ADVICE I can give to any of my friends who are pregnant or are planning to be pregnant in the future...

Plan on having a c-section.

OK, that sounds crazy. No I don't mean to plan for one like, demand your doctor delivers you via c-section. I know that some women really prefer the idea of a c-section versus vaginal delivery and, honestly, I can't hate on that. I respect every woman's right to do whatever they'd like with their own bodies, period.

But what I mean is that you should research what c-sections involve, know the process behind them and be aware of the risks and recovery time.

I can honestly say that I have been so ill-prepared and kicking myself with my body and the whole c-section thing. I had planned on having a totally natural birth, no drugs no nothing and even went so far as to delay going to the hospital to ensure as little interventions as is possible (note: for those of you going WHA??? to this, it is suggested that you wait until your contractions are approx 3 minutes apart or so before heading to the hospital if you want to have a natural birth. This ensures that you'll be laboring in the hospital less and have less chances to 'accidentally' say yes to meds during a bad contraction... but I digress.) The thing is, I was so anti-intervention birth that I did very little studying up on them. Meaning, I was completely in shock and ill-prepared, both mentally and physically, to deal with a c-section.

So, how can you prepare?

First off, go read up on them. I HIGHLY suggest reading the Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy, as it has a very good section (which I read after the fact, LOL) on c-section birth. Get a good idea of what they involve, especially the procedure itself and recovery time. Another good thing to note is that if you plan on breastfeeding, understanding the impact of post c-section recovery drugs and different feeding positions to manage pain.

Secondly, and this was a really big one for me... PACK like you're having a c-section. Even if you're one hundred percent sure you're having a vaginal birth, like I was, pack for a three to four day stay in the hospital. This is as simple as making sure you have a couple of nursing bras, a couple of nursing tanks, some toiletries and a good good nightgown or two. I was severly under-packed and found that I had to beg my saint of a mother to buy me a nightgown because I couldn't wear pants with my incision. And honestly, by the second day of wearing it I was a bit ripe. The only regret I have as far as packing was the lack of clothes, because if you do have to have a c-section you'll be so full of IVs, catheters and wearing sad, old lady like underpants/pads that having some nice, fresh clothes will do WONDERS.

Finally, give yourself permission to heal. I've had to relinquish a lot of my mommy duties to ensure I heal properly and it has been tough. At first, I wanted to do so much for Story- I wanted to change her, bathe her, take care of every little need. But I'm lucky I have a husband who knows about my tendency to overlook my own body's needs who laid down the law for me. The hard truth is it takes at least 6 weeks to heal in the first stages of a c-section, then up to a year to fully heal. It's major surgery. I've had a hard time realizing that I will have to be very careful with my dance studies after six weeks, that I am not an invincible wolverine woman. But knowing and accepting that what I'm doing is for the best for my body and, in turn, for my family has definitely helped me a lot mentally.

And that's the end of this session of best advice. Hopefully, none of you who want to have vaginal births will have to go through the wackiness I did. But honestly, be smarter than I was and read up on the alternative. It'll give you piece of mind and managed expectations.

I Has a System

A bit of a warning here... you are about to learn so much about my lactation, it will make your head spin. If you have breast issues, read no further. Though honestly, if you DO have breast issues, you should get over them... b/c boobs rule.

Anyways...

Tim and I talked about my breastfeeding concerns on Sunday and we decided on a system for helping my sanity. My main concerns are making sure that I have enough milk supply to feed Story effectively (you establish your milk supply in the first four weeks and I had spent so many days in the hospital, I am a bit worried about not producing enough) and that I increase my supply effectively before the four week point.

So, we came up with a plan. As of Sunday, I have been pumping at least four times per day, about 1/2 hour after feeding Story for twenty minutes. We've then been giving her that extra milk via bottle at night so Tim can have some feeding/bonding time and Story gets an extra feeding per day. Now I KNOW that lactation consultants usually tell you to wait a month before introducing any form of bottle, but Story has been latching so well that I'm following my own gut here. I figure it's better to increase my production and give Story a caloric boost via breastmilk in a bottle than to go to forumla.

And I am happy to report that it's working! I just did my first pumping session this morning and I have seen a good jump in production. At first I was only getting 1 ounce total from pumping both sides at once, what seemed like a piddly amount. It's only been about one full day of increased pumping and I'm already getting three ounces total! The funny thing is that lefty is a severe underachiever to righty, so I think I'm going to have a few sessions today only pumping lefty to try to get it up to snuff.

I have to admit that I'm crying as I write this, because I had become so hopeless. But things are definitely looking up! Big shout outs to Amy C for all your help and suggestions! Especially a big thank you for suggesting Breastfeeding Made Simple, as it's a great book for understanding lactation and solving breastfeeding issues!

a true fact about Story

She almost always falls asleep looking like she's ready to fight whoever tries to wake her up. She clenches her little fists and looks like she's ready to rumble.

I find this precious beyond all explanation.

breastfeeding challenges...Again?

Just got back from the pediatrician and I'm pretty stressed/bummed out. Turns out that Story has not gained a single ounce since last week, which is really troubling. The pediatrician didn't seem to be very worried, but she still asked us to come in next week for a follow-up to make sure she's gaining weight.

This first started out as a worry when we came home from the hospital and she'd lost a pound since birth. It's pretty normal to lose weight, but it was still hard to see she'd lost that much. The doctor suggested it was probably due to my c-section recovery and the percocet I was taking. She told me that I should try to stop taking it, which I did follow for a few days. Within that time, Story gained four ounces and seemed to be on the right track. However, it was at the sacrifice of finding myself in so much pain that I could barely walk. So, I started taking it again, deciding that being able to sleep and walk was important for taking care of Story.

I have to admit though that now I'm feeling terrible about Story's lack of weight gain. I know, if the pediatrician isn't really worried, it's probably fine. But still, I feel so bad. I definitely notice the difference in the two days since I've stopped taking the percocet. Story is much more alert in the daytime, she seems to be feeding better (before she'd fall asleep while feeding and I'd constantly have to wake her up... it still happens now but not as often), and she's been responding well to on-demand feeding. So, hopefully her weight will go up.

It just makes me feel like a failure to not have her gaining weight back. I feel like feeding her is my number one job right now, so it sucks that she's not climbing back up steadily. I kind of blame myself for not being tough enough to have stopped taking the percocet the first time around, but I know that's silly. Still, I feel like our society makes breastfeeding such a "natural" thing that not doing so well at it makes women feel like there's something wrong with them, like me.

I think the only thing I can do is try to remain positive and focus on keeping up our feeding routine. If we go back next week and she's not doing better, then it will probably come down to formula supplementing/pumping to supplement. Cross your fingers for us!

cheesy, but true

"You think you know how much you can possibly love another human being, then you have a child... and you don't believe how much you love this little person. It seems impossible, but it's true."

Though I've always rolled my eyes and thought it was cheesy when people said this to me, I can't argue against it now. Story is just the greatest and best thing ever. Ever ever ever.

I should note that Story has become the most enjoyable baby in the past week. She's wide awake and barely fussy, she sleeps well, she enjoys playing with both mommy and daddy. She even has favorite activities, like: staring at the curtains, eating her fists and checking stuff out. I can't wait until she gets even more active so we can play with some of the awesome toys she has.

If any of you out there are soon to be moms/recent moms and struggle with a baby, the only advice I give you is this: ditch the books. Ditch the books and ditch the well-intentioned declarations and advice from friends, family and online groups. Parent by your instinct, it won't let you down. Sure, consult doctors and other resources with questions you have, but, in the end, follow your heart. Every baby is different and you know how to parent your child. Trust me, once I stopped trying all these random "methods" for soothing and making Story happy and just paid attention to what my gut said, life has been FABULOUS!

:)

Good stuff

OK, so I've done a lot of venting and all on this blog lately, which is good for the sanity. But I don't want to make it seem like life has been one hard patch lately. There have been quite a few awesome things that have happened, so I figured I'd list them...

*Story had her first bath in the kitchen sink. Yup, she's a sink baby. I gave her the bath while daddy took pictures and she HATED every moment of it. It was really precious, though.

*Our loverly friends, Jess and Greg, gave us a swing that she adores. We put her in it last night and she swung while watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I am happy to report that she seemed entranced by this show. Thanks again Jess and Greg!

*Story has had two nights in a row sleeping in her crib, getting 3-4 hour blocks of rest and going to be fairly fuss free. We still stop in all the time to check on her (it's actually harder to not freak out when she's being so peaceful and sleepy, LOL) and pat/reassure her. But two whole nights of no screaming/wailing!

*Story played on her rainforest tummy/back play mat for quite some time today and had a blast. Though we think she was more entranced by the curtains in the dining room than the play set.

*Story had the most explosive poop ever today. OMG she was hanging out with daddy in the dining room and I could hear it while I hung out in the living room, it was THAT loud. She also seemed very happy and proud of this.

*I got to take Story on a walk around the neighborhood with Tim yesterday afternoon. It was a bit hard, as I still had some painful moments, but it felt SO GOOD to be out and about, getting fresh air. Story also really seems to like it, though the bumpy ride makes her sleepy.

There's been a lot of other awesome moments, but gushing about them all would probably annoy the heck out of you all. But I'll just say this- she is the coolest thing and I'm so glad she exists. I really can't wait until I heal more so we can go on more walks and a day trip here and there. For now, it's great to enjoy her company and get to spend a lot of lazy days on the couch with her.

so much information

I think one of the hardest things about being a new parent is all the information that gets thrown your way. It seems like there is a book for everything and a million and one approaches to parenting. I get so daunted by all of the methods and approaches to child rearing, especially since I view a lot of them as ways to make a buck off of sleep deprived, stressed out parents.

That said, in the past week I've been reading The Baby Whisperer, The Sears Book of Sleep and even Tim's Be Prepared book for dads. Though I still feel like each of them has their own style that doesn't totally fit what we're into, it's good to get some tips from each source that work and make Story happy. Those, combined with some awesome moms I know who read this blog, has definitely made a good impact on Story in the first week at home.

One of the best things that's happened already is that she seems to actually like her crib. At first, we were co-sleeping with her and we were finding it to be a bit problematic. First off, it made me really nervous to have her hanging out in our bed, especially since I have been on pain meds for the c-section. Also, she seemed to be much fussier, crankier and prone to mixing up her night and day. But whenever we'd put her in her bassinette, she'd cry non-stop. Definitely no fun.

Our pediatrician suggested establishing a firm difference between night and day by having loud tv/activity on during the day and keeping the house dark and quiet at night. She also suggested letting her CIO (cry it out) in the crib until she fell asleep. I'll admit that I'm not too keen on that, even though it was how I was raised. So, we tried putting her in her crib and using some of the soothing methods we learned in Newborn Care class (swaddling, of which Tim is AMAZING at and shushing/white noise.) Then, Tim and I turned on the monitor and visited/soothed every time she woke up or started crying. Immediately, we noticed a huge difference. She has been happily going to sleep at night, sleeping for longer stretches each time and only waking up really for feedings. She also seems SO much happier during the day, being alert and playful. I think we were both really stressing her out/keeping her up too much with our "soothing" methods of bouncing, rocking, singing, etc. every time she woke up before.

It's definitely not perfect. She's a little person who has been thrown into this bizarre world, so she still wakes and needs soothing (or I have to wake her for feedings, which is so hard to do. She looks so sweet and precious, I just want to let her sleep... but a mom's gotta do what she's gotta do.) But it's amazing how she's gone from screaming/crying in large blocks during the day to being happy and alert.

However, we'll see how long this lasts. As I've said before, this parenting stuff seems like one giant experiment, so who knows if next week she'll be a totally different baby with a whole new set of rules :)

first family photo

Taken this morning after breakfast. I'm proud to say I don't look AS high as I usually do in all my pictures. Tim and Story are naturals, of course :)

a hard day with a good ending

Warning: LONG LONG POST :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I wish I could say it was easy, happy and full of sunshine and unicorns. Instead, it was full of doctor's appointments, rushing around, lots of pain, discomfort, a screaming baby and a breakdown on my part. But, like I said, it ended really well and there were some great breakthroughs as well.

On Thursday, I got hooked up to a Holter monitor for my heart. When having my c-section, I had a bout of ventricular tachycardia, which can be a possibly life threatening event. However, they really believe it was a random occurrence brought on by the suddenness of the surgery, my anxiety level and, in my opinion, the drugs they gave me to stop my contractions (which they told me would make my heart race like crazy...) Even though they did several rounds of tests and believe I'm fine, they wanted me to do a 24 hour monitor to make sure. This means that I had to have five electrodes and a monitor unit strapped to me for a whole day, while trying to manage a new baby and breastfeeding. On top of that, I had to write down every time I ate something, went to the bathroom, had an "extreme emotion" (laughing, crying, fright, etc.), took medication, breastfeed, drank caffeine and any other event which might be reflected in a change in heart rate. It was really rough, especially since Story kept on trying to pull out my nodes all the time while breastfeeding.

And on Thursday, Story had a rough night. She started crying at about 11pm and it went on through the morning, until about 10 a.m. with a few pauses in between. Neither Tim or I could figure out what was going on. I kept feeding her, we changed her, tried to put her down for naps and nothing worked.

So my birthday morning started out with a cranky baby and these itchy nodes on me that made life annoying. Still, I fixed Tim and I some pancakes and bacon while Story was in her bassinet, because I just needed some time to myself. Then, it was on to the pediatrician for a check up. Good news is that Story is gaining weight, which means her feedings are going well. And the pediatrician gave us some great advice about sleeping and acclimating her to night versus day. She told us to establish clearly that day = being awake: loud tv, cleaning, talking, friends/visitors, only allowing short naps for Story, etc. Night = low lights, soft tv if anything, winding down and putting story in her crib to sleep. I asked her about crying, because Story would cry the instant we put her in a crib. The pediatrician said that letting her cry is fine as long as we're sure all her needs are met... that babies need that to settle down and learn coping. We decided to give it a go.

After this appointment, we headed up to Annapolis to drop off my Holter monitor and get my prescription for UTI meds. Yup, I have a UTI. I believe I got it from the hospital, since there were a few times when my catheter bag needed to be refilled/was backed up and it took forever for a nurse to respond. On one occasion, the nurse was like, "oh no, it's draining fine," and I responded, "no, I can feel it backed up, my bladder feels like it's a strained balloon... Please dump the bag for me." Anyways, I now was dealing with c-section healing and an inflammed/painful bladder. JOY :) So, I was given meds from my ob/gyn to solve the problem, but I had to pick them up.

Upon picking them up, I found out they suspend your employee pharmacy card when you're on leave at the hospital I work at. It would have been nice if they'd let me know that. Instead, here I was with no cash, just my employee badge/card and a diaper bag. Thanks to a kind stranger, I was able to pay the $.70 for my prescriptions and get some relief. I'm so glad there are kind souls left in this world.

By this time, it's 12:30 p.m. or so and I'm starving. But we wanted to eat/be stationed at home, so we traveled back home. On the way back, we went by Trader Joe's to get me some cranberry juice and snacks, then on to the liquor store for my birthday treats- a bottle of nice red wine and some pumpkin beer. Even though I'm still on meds (though I stopped taking my percocet b/c I was disturbed with how it might effect Story), I had decided to delay my motrin so I could have a glass of wine. We got to introduce Story to our local liquor store owner, whom we adore, and he was just thrilled to see her. Then it was on to home.

Next commences hours of screaming baby, episodes of "it hurts when I pee," and extremely exhausted Tim and Brooke trying to cope. Because of stopping my percocet, I was in so much pain from my incision and the UTI. Delaying the motrin didn't help either. And I was on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep, so the world was foggy and horrible. Around 4p.m. I had an extreme breakdown. I couldn't stop crying because I felt like I was the third wheel in our family- Story seemed to be so much happier with Tim than me, I was just a set of milk bags who had no idea how to comfort her, I was unable to do so many basic things still because of my healing, I couldn't sleep through her wailing in her co-sleeper and I just felt like everyone would be better off without me. I admitted to tim that I felt so stressed that I felt like I was letting him and Story down.

He immediately told me to go take a nap while he took story on a walk around the neighborhood. He told me that my feelings were totally normal and expected: it was a combination of hormones and baby blues, that I was doing so much better than I thought and that neither of them were let down. He reminded me that Story sometimes will only calm down for me, that I am great at feeding and taking care of her, that I help support him by constantly telling him how wonderful he's doing. He also reminded me that being in a lot of pain makes every task that much harder. That keeping my calm is that much harder because I'm dealing with healing and pain management as well. It made me feel a lot better, though I still cried myself to sleep once they left.

Once dinner rolled around, about 7ish, we decided it was time to put Story in her crib and take a stab at acclimating her to night versus day. It was hard to hear her cry through the monitor, but it only lasted about 30 minutes before we heard her calm down and then it was quiet. She was actually sleeping! We both couldn't believe it. Even though she would only do it in a few hour spurts, she was beginning to get used to her crib! It was the first good turn of the night. Then, we started getting Trick or Treaters. Watching Tim's delight at giving them candy was awesome. It was also great to imagine next year, when I can take our little Story around for first Trick or Treating! I had my glass of wine and started to chill out a bit.

But I was still in so much pain. I could barely get up and down the stairs because of delaying my motrin. Tim finally looked at me and said, "you HAVE to start taking the percocet again, Brooke. I know you don't want to, but you've been so stressed and in so much pain since you stopped that you're breaking down and that's not good for any of us. Your ob/gyn gave you this on purpose, because it's better to manage your pain and be able to be a good mom than to deny medication and be miserable." I finally gave in and it was the best choice. Within an hour, I was feeling so much better and was totally unphased by Story's crying and could deal with her with compassion and kindness, instead of crying and self-blaming. I don't want to take these for too long, but at least for the next week like they suggested.

So, the night did end on a good note. Story slept in several 4 hour blocks through the night, she's happy and alert today, I've finally mastered cluster feeding and I feel refreshed and pain-free. I don't know if this will last, as it seems every time we have a pattern established with Story she changes it up, but I hope so! I feel like I made it through a really rough patch though and was able to learn some really good lessons about myself- I can't ignore doctor's orders because I think I should be some superwoman who can just live with pain. That doesn't make me a better wife or mother. And I have to be able to put Story in her crib and walk away sometimes. Monitors exist for a reason. And maybe what she needs is some alone time to decompress.

dear friends with babies

When does the "baby crying all the time when it's awake" thing end? With Story, we're getting little ten minute- half hour bursts of inquisitive, cute baby, then hours of crying or hours of sleep. I'm just wondering for my own sanity, as we are in constant crying/sleeping land.

Thanks for any input :)

feeling not so cute

During pregnancy, the weight you gain and the way your body changes is something seen as joyous, blossoming and beautiful. Your round, growing belly is a symbol of ripeness and new life. All the weight change and body morphing is a good thing.

What they don't tell you is that once you have given birth, you don't look un-pregnant. Your belly isn't flat, for the most part, and you aren't magically pre-pregnant looking. A lot of jokes and fun are made of how you'll "lose 20 lbs in the least amount of time ever, just by giving birth," but the truth is very, very different.

I'm struggling a lot with this transition body I have right now. Yes, it's been less than a week and I know, in my rational mind, that it's not reasonable to think I'd be closer to my pre-pregnant shape. But honestly, I had no clue I'd look five months pregnant after giving birth. My belly is going down little by little, but I still have a bit of a swell to it. My ankles and legs are still a bit swollen and I have stretch marks and a bit of loose skin at the bottom of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and don't see the hot, awesome mommy bod, but this odd, misshapen form that doesn't know what it wants to be yet, caught between a pregnancy form and my old, curvy self.

Clothes still don't fit right and, due to my c-section incision, I can't actually wear a lot of my maternity pants and skirts because they rub up on it. So, I'm relegated to the same four pairs of pants to alternate with my nursing tanks, all of which make me feel like a frumpy house-frau. I constantly feel like nothing fits and that I am stuck in the same boring clothes all the time. It sucks.

Now, the truth of this whole matter is that I will shrink back and be closer to my original self in time. The real deal is that I had a baby and a c-section, both of which are fairly dramatic and traumatic things to happen to my body and it will take more than a week to adjust to it. And the reasonable approach to this would be to be easy on myself and not get so frustrated with feeling like an unattractive, lumpy frump.

But I have to say that, though I know what makes sense in my mind, it's hard to reconcile right now. Especially when you see all these Hollywood moms who have a baby and are smokin' hot within weeks after. And I think that it's hard as a woman not to find yourself comparing yourself to those images of "perfect" women who go from round pregnancy body to hardbody in the blink of an eye.

I'm lucky that I have a hubby who adores me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. I wish I could have some of that confidence right now. But I'll admit that I'm finding myself in a state of "whose body IS this!" right now. I kind of want to just curl up and hide from the world.

Yes, in the end it's still worth it. I still look at Story every day and know that her awesomeness outshines any body issues I'm experiencing. But that doesn't make it tough to just want my old pre-baby body back, or something close to it.

OMG baby carriers

Last night, Tim discovered that there are two things that Story loves.

*Rap Music
*Being carried around while daddy does chores.

The only problem was that daddy was having a helluva time balancing all of his chores and carrying her around. Whenever he'd put her down to go do something he needed both hands for, she'd start wailing all over again. If only there were SOME amazing invention that allowed him to carry her while doing the chores...

Tim mentioned to me that we should make sure we get a sling carrier of some sort and I was like, "UM we were given a baby bjorn type carrier from Chris and Val forever ago!" And he was like, "really? I don't remember that.." Well, just a few moments ago, Tim found it and is currently lugging Story around the house while doing some fun chores- moving dream dinners from the chest freezer into the fridge, working on laundry and who knows what else. There is no extreme wailing, no horrid crying. Sure, Story goes through phases of crying/deciding whether she likes the carrier, but nothing compared to last night.

Ok, seriously... who would have known that something so simple as a knock of baby bjorn could bring so much sanity to our little family? Damn I love this thing.

I can't wait until I'm healed enough to try it out! Oh man, just going on walks around the neighborhood would be awesome!

Other blogs... and FLICKR!

Hello You Crazy Kids-

I wanted to point out that I have finally added links to my other blogs in the left sidebar. I've been bad and never linked all of my blogs together, so I figure it's time I did. So, if you're interested in non-baby posts or dance thoughts, you can find them over on the side.

And it's finally happened... we have started to post waves of disgustingly cute baby photos to Flickr.

Back to play our favorite game...

Why Is The Baby Crying?

:)

Nursing is tough stuff

Nursing is really hard, or at least for me it is. I'm finding that it's so tough to make it work, especially b/c I have very limited positions right now due to my c-section incision. I can't sit upright extremely well, so the normal cross-body hold is tough to maneuver. But, like Tim Gunn says, I'm "making it work" any way I can.

Did you know that during the first few days of work, you're aiming to have your baby feed 8-12 times a day? That's a lot! We only got six yesterday, but I think we're going to hit the mark today. Already she's hit four feedings since midnight, so we're doing better!

And the nurse taught us the BEST trick ever!!! She gave us a syringe of sugar water that I use to drop on me and in Story's mouth while feeding. This is helping her to latch much better than before (she was oddly motor-boating it and just not fully getting it down every time. This caused her to start wailing like bloody murder!) We've found this to be a great tool to get her to latch and she's already starting to get it without the syringe now. YAY for women's wisdom!

And I made more progress in the last hour- I was able to walk down the hall to the "kitchen" and refill my own water/ice. It doesn't seem like much, but it was a huge triumph for me. I've barely been able to walk around our room, so it was great to get down the hall! And I'm wearing more "normal" clothes, like a nursing tank and a pair of palazzo pants, so I'm feeling more like myself every moment.

Though it's so weird to see how I look five months preggo, still. It's gonna take a while for the belly to settle down a bit again, I know that. But I have to admit it makes me feel porky and unattractive. Thank goodness for hubby who tells me I'm pretty all the time :)

too precious

Story LOVES her daddy's snoring. She's on his chest right now, awake and totally fascinated by him. Every time he snores, she touches and strokes his beard in appreciation.

:)

about the buddha

The doctors LIE my friends, they LIE!

Though by no means small, our Story was not the 9lbs predicted! Story was a "mere" 7lbs 15 ounces at birth! We think they overestimated b/c they were feeling her big butt down near my cervix and were mistaking it for a head, causing them to misinterpret her weight.

So there ya go!

The story of Story

Story Brooke Pumplin was born on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 in a set of bizarre and zany circumstances. Could you expect anything less from our girl? Here's the, ahem, story...

I woke up at 5:45 ish on Thursday morning with false labor contractions. I didn't know they were false at the time, but when they continued to be erratic and didn't intensify, I figured they were bunk. Tim said to me, "I know this is going to come back to kick me in the ass, but I don't think these are the real deal. She isn't coming today."

This is the point in which it is important to note that you should never NEVER engage yourself in a battle of wits against me. I will seriously win every time. I looked at him and said, "oh no. No she's coming out TODAY."

So, Tim left for work and I decided to stay home and wait things out. My contractions felt really hard and all, but all of a sudden petered off. Even though it felt like the time was past and that she was destined to be in there until Monday's ultimate induction eviction, I still was determined in my mind to get her out.

In order to do this, I decided to take a walk up to Starbucks for a hot cocoa. I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door, wrapped in my favorite shawl against the new bite in the air. All along the way, I looked like a crazy person as I talked at my belly, giving Story the pep talk.

"dear Story. You are coming out TODAY, here me. Today. You've had long enough in there and mommy is really ready to meet you. I want you to come into this world safely, but I want you out today. AND if you come out today, well I'll spoil you extra, because it would mean that mommy would beat daddy in a battle of wits, which is very very important." I changed my destination en-route, deciding that going to the library to check out a book for reading while in the hospital was certain to add more weight behind my "this kid is coming today" determination.

When I got home, I began getting very intense contractions that were only about 6 minutes apart. I decided to drink some water and lay down on the couch (for those not preggo/who haven't been there before, a lot of false labor is chalked up to dehydration... so they tell you to drink a lot of water and lie down when you start having contractions.) About forty five minutes later, I feel a swift kick (which puzzled me, b/c it should have been a head-butt... get to that soon) to my cervix and a POP! as my water breaks. I immediately stood up and felt warm gushes of fluid soak my yoga pants. I ran upstairs, started a shower to clean myself up (now certain we were in long-haul city) and called Timmers. I said to him, "my water just broke. GET HERE," and hung up.

I then took one of the longest and hottest showers of my life, scrubbing myself silly and using every frilly, girly potion I could find. I had heard from my friend Casey that she did this and it was a good idea. Because once you go in for a delivery, you're there for at least a day or so without being able to really shower. And I like being clean!

I also went into extremely focused "get stuff done" mode. I packed blankets, pillows, grabbed my amniotic fluid soaked pants in case they wanted to test them in L&D to confirm a rupture and grabbed other essential items I might need that weren't already packed in the car. The intensity and focus was amazing, as I went on auto-pilot prepping for delivery. The only annoying thing were the starving kitties who kept flanking me and meowing at the top of their lungs, usually during contractions. I warned the kitties that pestering a woman having intense contractions was NOT the way to prolong their kitty lives, but they weren't having it. I called Tim again to say, "where are you. I can't find the extra cat food. I am going to KILL these cats if you don't get here soon, Ow OW OWWW!"

Then Tim got home and we rushed out to Labor and Delivery, calling the doctor on call as well as my mom/sister on the way. I told Tim to call his parents, but we totally got wrapped in the moment and didn't call them until Story was here. SIGH. Anyways, back to it, we arrived at L&D to find my friend Miss Helen working the desk. Oddly enough, her first words to me were, "did you get my email, honey?" (I was redesigning the birth certificates for her, LOL) I told her I was in labor, then continuted to have an intense contraction at the desk and they took me to check my rupture. This means taking a litmas swap and using it on your wet panties, very very classy. It came up blue, meaning I was a rupture, so they prepped a room for me. I then had another really crazy contraction right as a tour full of expectant parents rolled through. I'd be lying if I said I didn't LOVE looking at their horror-filled faces as I yelled/OMed in pain.

Then we got put in our room and met up with Nisleen, our doula. I stripped down and put on my gown, getting ready for delivery. They called in my doc to have her do a pelvic exam and we all settled into what we were sure would be hours of long labor/delivery. Then, the doc comes in to check my cervix for progress and says,"hmm... that doesn't feel right. I need to do an ultrasound on you." She comes back and lo and behold, our girl is breech. She then says,"I'm suggesting you have a C Section." In a split second I agreed, because I couldn't dream of putting Story in harm. Thus started the cokctail of drugs to stop my contractions, pain meds to help me wait for an OR to open up and everything feeling like it was whirring past me, out of control.

I know it's cheesy as hell, but all I could think of was yoga, the yoke, the way. Sometimes you have to just surrender yourself to the way and go where it takes you, without question. My mind just said, "this is how it's going to be done and you're gonna be fine. Just let go." So I did.

I went from having a natural childbirth to a C-Section with a spinal block. I was taken to the OR, tim in scrubs, and given a spinal block that made me numb from the chest down. I was laid back Jesus-style and strapped down at three points- across my legs and each arm. A sheet was pulled up so I couldn't see the procedure, though I was wide awake. The awesome staff played Motown music and I cracked jokes about the whole situation- "If you guys are gonna have this sheet up, shouldn't you put on a puppet show or SOMETHING???!" I went from what I felt would be an intimate, serene setting birth to a whole team operating to get the daughterling out safely. It was odd, but it's just the way it had to be.

So, what IS it like to have a baby cut out of you? Fascinating, frightening and funny. I could feel all this pulling and pressure as they cut into my fat layer, spread aside my abdominals (yes I could feel that act via pressure) and then cut into my uterus. I could literally feel them shimmy her out of the womb, even the POP sensation as the got her unstuck from up under my ribs. I could feel the shuffling as they put me back together. It was so odd.

One other odd thing I should mention is that I had a case of ventricular tachycardia after I saw Story for the first time. It was really freaky at the time and made me feel all sorts of scary. The anesthesiologist gave me some drugs that counteracted it and all ended well. I've since had a battery of vascualr tests, all of which have come out just fine. They think this was a one time, random incident, probably brought on by the stress of the situation. But it was WAY scary.

Well, the rest is history, as they say. They pulled her out, tim got to go while they cleaned her up and did her Apgar tests and, after my weird cross with a potentially fatal case of ventricular tachycardia, I was brought to recovery with Tim and Story. One weird fact- most women shake for a while after pregnancy on account of the stress of the situation. My body temp was down to 95.5, I shook like crazy and I was all sorts of out of it. They gave me some demerol to stop the shaking and finally I started to feel a little more human.

Since then, I have gone through lots of pain, moments of decreased dignity, feeling defeated and terrible as a parent b/c I'm so limited in what I can do b/c of the C Section and worrying about my heart scare. But in the past day I've gotten a lot more comfy and have been told that my heart tests came back fine, so hopefully all is well from here on out as far as things go.

I have to take one moment to shout out how wonderful Tim is as a parent. Beyond wonderful, astounding. He has this amazing way with Story and is such a good soother. Also, he has fearlessly stepped up and taken on all of the major baby tasks I can't help him with yet due to my c section- he changes her dirty diapers, burps her, walks her around, swaddles her. He's just fabulous. Little by little I can do more and more, but I'm so glad to have married the best person ever. Good job, me.

And as for Story, she is the greatest and best thing I and Tim have ever done together. She is beautiful, funny, surprising, thoughtful, affectionate and joyful. She is just too amazing to believe. She is more than I ever thought I could hope for and just too WOW to put into words.

Ok, I have to go now as I tire of being separated from her. BYES! Updates later.

omg

water broke about 1/2 hour ago. Off to L&D we go!

damn contractions HURT!

Induction Scheduled!

Well kids, the daughterling will be here, come hell or high water, by Monday. I just got off the phone with the surgical scheduler at my hospital and they're going to induce me on Monday at 5:30 a.m. if the daughterling isn't here by then. I'm still hoping she comes of her own volition, but I'd much rather induce her Monday and get my doc (the one that delivered me into this world) than wait until later on in the week and get some other doctor I may not even know. Also, I'm hoping to avoid a C-section by inducing her while she's just around 9lbs than waiting until she's even bigger and risking it down the road.

This has been hard for me, as I really wanted to have a nautral/non intervention birth. But you know, I'm coming to peace with it. I really think it's what's best for her, to get her into this world safely, so I gotta do it.

BUT HOPEFULLY I will walk her out before then! Send me good vibes!

d'oh...

Well, it looks like my contractions petered out. I'm still getting one here and there, but nothing to write home about. They've lost their regularity, so I'm not in active labor.

BLECH :(

I'm still hanging around the house just in case. I figure that if I go an hour or more without a single contraction, then I'll head back in to work.

La is coming over for lunch in a minute, then I'm going on a walk to see if I can walk her out. The one neat thing is that she's definitely descended due to this morning's fun. I can feel her sitting much lower in my pelvis.

I'll keep everyone posted if things pick up again.

don't freak out.. but maybe...

I've been having contractions since about 5:45 am, 8-10 minutes apart, about 45 sec-1 minute in length. These could just be false labor, since they're not at 5 min apart for an hour yet. But MAN I hope this is it.

I had a talk with the daughterling last night and told her we need to be done with this... so maybe she is listening, who knows?

Anyways, it could be nothing and probably is since I had barely any progress yesterday... but cross your fingers for me!

BIG buddha baby, please come out

Dear Daughterling-

I just came back from the doctor and he says you're currently around 9lbs.

OK, let's be honest here. I know this is because while other gals were getting sick all the time and barely eating a thing, you and I seemed to be able to load up on all the food we could find. While those wussy babies were barely gaining any bulk and keeping their trim physique, you and I were delighting in fatty foods, cheeseburgers, fruit galore, ice cream and protein smoothies. Because we're not chumps and we're not quitters. You and I know a thing or two about being strong, awesome gals.

But maybe we overdid it?

I mean 9lbs. WHOA.

Please come out soon,

Your Mom

---------------------

So, the baby update is as follows:

I will be getting a call in the next two days from my doc's office to schedule an induction. Because she is so huge, they will not allow me to go past 41 weeks. Honestly, I'm fine with that. I don't want to go on much longer, myself. It's getting to be really hard and painful to get around, so I'm fine with getting her out. SURE I didn't want to be induced, but I trust my doctors when they tell me she's huge. She FEELS so weighty. And the doc was adamant about how inducing me was better than letting me go to 42 weeks and needing a C-section. That I agree with as well.

So, within the next week, I will definitely have my baby. I'll let you all know when I find out the induction day! I'm still hoping she comes naturally, but we'll see!

3 Days to due date... meh

I am so very tired. It feels like I just couldn't expand any more and that the daughterling is soooo huge, she just needs to come out. I am all sorts of exhausted as sleep is pretty much doing nothing for me (I'm still lucky enough to get like 6 hours most nights, but I wake up so many times in between that it's more like an hour or two here and there at a go.)

Everyone at work who sees me keeps joking that I have that "so ready to go" look on my face. It's totally true. I have my doc appointment today and I'm just praying that they say I'm on my way to being done. I'm not down with induction or anything, unless they tell me the baby is somehow in jeopardy/needs to come out... but MAN it would be like Christmas if the doc was like, "you're about ready to have this baby in a few days." Sigh... oh please oh please oh please.

For the time being, I just need to focus on work and trying to be as productive as I can. It's really hard not to check out/want to fall asleep in my office.

Cross your fingers for me! New update after doc's appointment.

what DO contractions feel like?

If there's anything I've learned in this crazy thing called pregnancy, it's that our society has a huge expectation that women are "natural" mothers. By this I mean that we're expected to just know what all of pregnancy is like. There's no in-depth explanation guides, no dictionary-of-pregnancy per se or collective knowledge base. There is nothing scientific, no easy-answer font of wisdom where we can go to get clear cut answers or definitions.

Sure, there are TONS of books, online pregnancy sites and a million different "methods" that they try to market to us. But what I find over and over again is that none of these things are willing to give a definitive answer to anything. Instead, I find myself with scores of other women online trying to find collective answers, timidly asking about things we feel ashamed we don't know about.

What are contractions like? How do you know if you're having them?

What's the difference between effacement and dilation? Do they even mean anything in terms of labor?

How do you detect a decrease in fetal movement? What are kick counts? Should I do them?

What does it feel like when the baby "drops?"

The fact of the matter is that pregnancy is so bizarre, unpredictable and different for everyone. And I think that this randomness should be openly shared with women. We should all know that pregnancy, labor and its features are not something every woman should be expected to know every little facet of by instinct alone. And honestly, no book or guide will fully educate or prepare you. It's a complicated and interesting process that can be just as chaotic as it is scientific. I get really annoyed thinking of all of the books and gimmick "methods" out there that prey upon our fears of sucking as mothers, of doing something "wrong" to make money.

So, I've decided to share my knowledge for whatever that's worth over the next week. It may not apply for any of my friends that have had babies or are going to in the future, but it's free! And maybe through my experience, friends that come after me will be a bit less confused than I've been.

First up is contractions. I've heard a bunch of different descriptions of contractions, with everything from them being crazy, intense and awful to women who don't even realize they're having real ones until it's nearly go time for delivery. For me, I've been feeling more intense contractions lately, though I'm not sure if they're "real" ones versus Braxton-Hicks.

Braxton-Hicks for me feel like my belly getting hard and stiff. They don't hurt at all, nor do I notice them most of the time. They just seem to happen and have no rhythm, rhyme or reason to them. They feel like a balloon being fully inflated- they still have a tiny bit of give, but are mostly hard.

As for more intense contractions, mine feel like they start with my belly getting hard, then I start to feel discomfort and tightening that spreads from my back all the way to my belly button and ending in my lower abs. They're not really regular or extremely painful yet, just not comfy. And they make me stop what I"m doing and pay attention. I can't really talk or concentrate. I have to breathe til they're done. Then it's on to life as usual.

For friends that have had babies, how does my description compare to yours? I'm really interested to know what it's like for others.

8 days?? REALLY?

There are officially 8 days until my due date. What does that mean? Not much of anything, per se. But it's still surreal. The idea that way back in February when I found out I was pregnant set me hundreds of days out and now they have dwindled down to just about a week before the due date is astounding. So much growth has happened for me. Both Tim and myself have experienced so many awesome things and gone through so many ups and downs... it's just unbelievable. And to know that this is just the start of a whole other person joining our family is so cool, I can't even tell you.

I think I've also gotten a hold of myself nerve wise and it's time to take a healthier approach to the waiting game. I have to focus on what I can do to stay occupied and not let myself fall into anxious/over excitable hermit time. So, for this weekend I plan on going out for dinner with a small group of chums for Tim/My joint birthday and then spending the rest of the weekend doing some knitting and scrapbooking I've been putting off. I'm also going to try to go for a walk around the neighborhood to take in the brisk, beautiful air. Maybe a little basic yoga on the mat in the backyard, too.

I need to make sure I continue spending time with friends and not acting like every day I have to be uber prepared, lest it be THE BIG DAY. The daughterling will come when she's ready and there's no point in me trying to prepare for or control that.

only 1 cm...

Just got back and I'm only at 1cm dilated. The doc says that means he'd put me at "July if this were baseball season." That means that I'm starting to travel towards labor/birth, but it's not like it's about to happen in a few days or so.

He then brought up the dreaded words I didn't want to hear...

At your next appointment, we'll discuss what you want to do if you go past your due date.

Oh man.. oh man... I don't want to go past too much. First of all, I don't want to lose money by leaving work on the 24th, only to have her come a few weeks late. I don't even have enough leave to cover fully the 28 day period between when I leave work and when the maternity disability kicks in, let alone the daughterling possibly coming a few weeks late. It's just so frustrating.

I mean, I understand that babies are gonna come when they're gonna come. But it's getting really hard to be preggo anymore and having the doc bring up me going past due just made me want to cry.