During pregnancy, the weight you gain and the way your body changes is something seen as joyous, blossoming and beautiful. Your round, growing belly is a symbol of ripeness and new life. All the weight change and body morphing is a good thing.
What they don't tell you is that once you have given birth, you don't look un-pregnant. Your belly isn't flat, for the most part, and you aren't magically pre-pregnant looking. A lot of jokes and fun are made of how you'll "lose 20 lbs in the least amount of time ever, just by giving birth," but the truth is very, very different.
I'm struggling a lot with this transition body I have right now. Yes, it's been less than a week and I know, in my rational mind, that it's not reasonable to think I'd be closer to my pre-pregnant shape. But honestly, I had no clue I'd look five months pregnant after giving birth. My belly is going down little by little, but I still have a bit of a swell to it. My ankles and legs are still a bit swollen and I have stretch marks and a bit of loose skin at the bottom of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and don't see the hot, awesome mommy bod, but this odd, misshapen form that doesn't know what it wants to be yet, caught between a pregnancy form and my old, curvy self.
Clothes still don't fit right and, due to my c-section incision, I can't actually wear a lot of my maternity pants and skirts because they rub up on it. So, I'm relegated to the same four pairs of pants to alternate with my nursing tanks, all of which make me feel like a frumpy house-frau. I constantly feel like nothing fits and that I am stuck in the same boring clothes all the time. It sucks.
Now, the truth of this whole matter is that I will shrink back and be closer to my original self in time. The real deal is that I had a baby and a c-section, both of which are fairly dramatic and traumatic things to happen to my body and it will take more than a week to adjust to it. And the reasonable approach to this would be to be easy on myself and not get so frustrated with feeling like an unattractive, lumpy frump.
But I have to say that, though I know what makes sense in my mind, it's hard to reconcile right now. Especially when you see all these Hollywood moms who have a baby and are smokin' hot within weeks after. And I think that it's hard as a woman not to find yourself comparing yourself to those images of "perfect" women who go from round pregnancy body to hardbody in the blink of an eye.
I'm lucky that I have a hubby who adores me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. I wish I could have some of that confidence right now. But I'll admit that I'm finding myself in a state of "whose body IS this!" right now. I kind of want to just curl up and hide from the world.
Yes, in the end it's still worth it. I still look at Story every day and know that her awesomeness outshines any body issues I'm experiencing. But that doesn't make it tough to just want my old pre-baby body back, or something close to it.
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4 comments:
Oh, I hear you! Yes, it is tough to see your body transform in this way. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your body has been through a lot and it takes time to get back (advice that I should have taken to heart several months ago!) I will say that now at 4 months postpartum I'm just now able to pack away the four pairs of maternity pants I have been wearing since last year. Most of my pre-preg pants fit finally, although not all. I had assumed also with the exclusive breastfeeding that the weight would just melt off like everyone claimed, but it didn't. I lost a lot of weight over the first 2 weeks, then it very gradually started coming off. I figure a pound a week is a reasonable expectation for someone who is eating well, nursing, and eventually, doing some light exercise. Yes, I felt (and still do) feel frumpy and not put-together most of the time, but that is just a feeling that I am learning to accept. I think you will notice a big difference in your body within a week, and after that you should see some gradual change. Here's a funny story: Right after I delivered, I couldn't get my pants above my KNEES! My knees were FAT!!! WTF!? After a few weeks I couldn't get them above my hips. After a couple months I could get them pulled up, but they wouldn't button. A month later I could button my pants, but when I'd sit down, the button would pop!!! Ha! Now they are just tight! So, I am sure you'll have the same incremental progress....just believe Tim when he says you are beautiful, b/c you are!
Celebrities have 2 main jobs: look "hot" (which is often the same as thin, whether or not we agree), and Do Their Thing (whether they're the actors, musicians, or get photos taken in clubs) - which is often also connected to the Hot thing.
So they spend all their money and mental energy on getting back to Hot as soon as possible, because that's at least half their life. They budget out 6 hours a day to work out, have nannies to watch the baby while the aerobicize trendily, etc. (Some celebs of course drop out and try to not be photographed for a few years and connect with the kid, but by definition, we don't hear about that as much.)
YOUR job is to ROCK -- in dance, with Story, with your graphic design stuff, with Tim and friends. You focus your time and attention on those things. None of those things require sexy pants. They just require your brain and soul-stuff, which appear to be unimpaired, and perhaps accentuated by motherhood.
And by posting these fears/concerns, even as you acknowledge they're not logical, by typing them out, you bring them from the crazy subconscious spinny-thing where they can fester, and back out into the world of logic, where they can be analyzed and dismissed. And sometimes you need to KEEP doing that, because the subconscious is mighty, and that's cool too.
(I'm someone who is really weirded out by motherhood, yet *I* keep reading your baby blog -- you must be doing something right!)
Hey, I know you already saw my 2 cents about my unfortunate weight GAIN post-baby, but I have one more things to say about that (which is also a "here, here!" to what super april said). One week after I had B I was still crying in the bathroom most of the time and rejecting visitors. I was shocked at how terribly I felt physically and emotionally. When I finally let people talk to me (esp other mothers), they gave me the comfort I needed. Which was simply being told - "You are ok, this is normal, many, many mothers feel like this after birth. There's nothing wrong with you if breastfeeding is hard, or if you feel too tired to do things on your own." If I had been communicating with people sooner, I don't think I would have wallowed as long as I did. My point is, I am so, so proud of you for using this blog as a way to communicate, and let your feelings out. That is a huge step towards feeling yourself again, and feeling some commraderie regarding the CRAZY things that mothers go through!
Oh sweetie. I really don't know what to say, other than I was sitting there the other night looking at you thinking you looked totally beautiful! You were snuggled up with Story, and your hair was all curly and wild and your eyes were shining it was awesome.
I asked a customer of ours, who had a c-section this summer, if she had any advice and she said #1: don't push yourself too much or it'll take longer to get back on your feet, and #2: it'll take about 8 weeks to really feel like "you". She was also totally envious that you have Tim around for so long, she said her husband went back to work after a few days (her mom was around to help but she said it wasn't as nice as having her husband).
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