Growing Up

It's been forever since I've updated. I guess that's what happens when you're busy living life.

Story is almost one now. I really seriously don't even know how to go about digesting that. ALMOST A YEAR OLD. Seriously??!! Where did the time go? How did this happen? I just sent out a bunch of invitations for her birthday and couldn't believe that I was actually sending them.

On that note, Story has gone through some major growth lately. She has been a learning fiend! So far, she can:

crawl like a pro
babble (and say a few words, like Mama, Dada, NO, Stop, Oh Wait, Nana)
pull herself up
stand for 2-3 seconds at a time
navigate from one piece of furniture to another
feed herself (not with a spoon yet)
clap
wave
play practical jokes (aka... licking your face, toe, anything to get a reaction)
hug
zerbert

And she's one ravenous, solid food eating machine. She's SO DONE with cereals and blended foods. She's currently a fan of:

pork anything (carnitas, ribs w/bbq, bacon)
chicken (she LOVES chicken of all sorts)
yogurt
goldfish/snacks
steak
potatoes
bruschetta
steamed veggies
pie
guacamole (kicked up, with tabasco)
corn

pretty much you name it, she'll eat it. And if you're eating it, she'll crawl over to you, climb up you and let you know that she would like some too, thankyouverymuch.

It's really exciting and wonderful. It's also kind of frightening to realize that if one year could go by so quickly, the rest of her childhood could be gone in a blink.

Back To Mine

X Posted in my other blog

Finding the balance between being a mother and being an individual being has been a trying task. I'm sure that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be the most devoted, loving parent possible AND still retain the part of me that is Brooke. In the time since Story was born, I have had to evaluate my entire life, not only in its day-to-day processes but my passions and interests as well. Everything is a gamble with time. How do I juggle being a mother, a good wife, a career professional and a fit/sane person?

I'm not sure I've figured that out yet. But I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The first few months after Story was born were spent in a depressed funk about myself. I felt like a fat, old, boring, sleep-deprived zombie, a girl who had no clue what she was doing or how to handle the mess she'd gotten herself into. My hair was ugly, I barely got to shower every day and I usually was covered in milk and smelled like baby. All of my clothes were frumpy, around-the-house deals, meant to conceal the bizarre body changes that pregnancy brings. I was a size 24/26 wreck who could barely walk one block around the neighborhood without getting winded. Where was the girl who could do 20 minute plus dance sets without blinking? What happened to the me that did yoga, that ran, that enjoyed knitting, movies, would run to the city to visit friends on a whim or could go shopping and actually enjoy herself?

The fact of the matter was that I lost Me for a while to become Mom. And it was a wonderful trade, fully worth it. But, as Story grows and becomes more of an individual, I'm finding myself finally being able to grab some of my old turf back.

To back up for a second, the first step in liberation was to completely stop everything I did that didn't involve parenting, working or being a wife. This sounds totally against all sense or reason, giving up all of the things that made me Brooke, but it's exactly what was needed. Because holding onto dance, yoga, crafting, vanity, all of it was just making me that much more depressed when I couldn't do them. I was constantly feeling under the gun, and worse, like an underachiever. Every time I missed a dance practice, missed a yoga class, forgot to work on a craft project, I just felt like a total loser, a bum.

So, I gave it all up. I have put myself on a dance hiatus, have stopped signing up for regular classes, have put all of my projects away for another time and have gotten back to basics in my life. And I must say that there is truth in the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. By giving up everything, I have found the peace and balance (or as much as I can be balanced right now) to evaluate what is important to me, what is worth doing and what is doable.

The end result is that I'm finding myself feeling much more satisfied and empowered with my life and discovering old and new passions again. I first prioritized my body as being my main passion- getting back into shape, eating well, sleeping as much as I can, challenging myself. I started by counting calories, becoming more in control of what I eat. Then, I added in exercise- first a little dance and yoga, then running and Wii Active. I've started demanding 1/2 hour, 5 days a week for fitness (and Tim has been nice enough to support me). I then started going to sleep earlier, when I can, trying to get more than 4 hours a night. All of this has added up to make me a happier, saner Brooke.

Made it to almost 7 months!

Well, it was a good 7 months worth of trying, but I've decided to give one final go this weekend, then I'm finally throwing in the breastfeeding towel. Story has weened herself (yes, you read that right. She's started refusing to nurse besides for comfort and will only take bottles besides) and I'm down to getting a whopping 1-3 ounces per day pumping (4-5 sessions). I've tried it all- supplements, oatmeal, old wives tricks, more pumping, less pumping. And in the end, it's just time to face the fact that my time breastfeeding miss lady might be done.

I'm really proud I made it this far and a little disappointed I can't hold out for a full year. I really wanted to make it a year, but, honestly, I'm not holding out hope. I've already done so many crazy things to keep it going, but my final straw is the fact that Story herself has decided that it's obsolete. Ever since she stopped feeding, my supply has seriously tanked.

So, I figure I'll try all I can to get her to feed this weekend, but if she refuses, I'll resign myself and put away my pumping gear. The amount I'm getting for all this effort is foolish, especially when she's almost totally formula and solid food fed now.

But still, bummer.

Oh well, everything ends. I just suck at not making goals I set for myself.

Grrrrrrrrreat

I just got a notice from Toys R Us that Story's crib has been recalled due to poor workmanship (the slats can break off and form a strangulation hazard). So now I am experiencing the singular joy of having to call Jardine and get instructions for returning/exchanging our crib.
This also means that we have to dismantle and get rid of the old crib, as well as haul a new one here and put it together. Gotta love it.
This, along with a teething, cranky baby makes for one fun evening.

Story's A Little Angel... almost

Visual Concepts Photography in Davidsonville, Maryland, does this fabulous thing with the hospital I work at called the Little Angels Calendar. Linda McCarthy takes awesome photos of babies and small children, then posts them in her gallery and opens up voting for the thirteen slots to fill the calendar. Votes are $1 each and a portion of the proceeds go to benefit the AAMC Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It's a really cool opportunity to take some cute pictures and do some good.

Anyways, I offered up miss Story to do a photo and the result was AWESOME. I'll admit, I kind of get creeped out by moms that dress their babies up and take photos... HOWEVER I think Linda did a wonderful job with Story and took a really precious shot.

I'll post the link when voting is up. Watch this space in the next few weeks!

A half year of Story

Miss Story turned 6 months old last week and my head is still trying to wrap itself around that fact. I'm having diametrically opposed feelings about it. On one hand, I can't believe that my baby is a half year old and will be a whole year old before I know it. On the other hand, it's like she's always been here. I can't imagine a life without her.

In honor of this milestone, here's my top ten favorite Story things that have happened since she was born:

10. When she first was discovering her sense of touch and would pet everything.

9. Sitting her down in the grass and watching her complete wonder at the outdoors.

8. The first time I saw her and I just kept kissing her funny face.

7. When I brought her home from daycare to discover she had magically learned how to hold her own bottle.

6. The amazed OMG WTF??!?! face she made when she first discovered the cats.

5. The fact that she is determined to walk and doesn't care if you think she can't, thankyouverymuch.

4. The crazy babbling she does to herself/her toys.

3. Sitting up unattended and playing.

2. Sleeping through the night.

1. Her laughing fits.

A hive of activity

Five months is the magic number. I'm convinced now that if you can make it through the first five months of your baby's life sane and relatively happy, you're golden. The first four months are so rough- your baby doesn't really respond to you emotionally, waking up every two hours at night to feed, transitioning back to working (if you so choose), only being able to breastfeed/bottle feed, the fragility of baby learning to use their body in basic ways. It's just tough stuff.

But make it through to five months and something changes. All of a sudden, your baby can have rice cereal and might, if you're lucky enough, sleep more at night. Emotions are easier to read and needs are easier to anticipate. Baby can sit up a bit, amuse themselves and is more durable (that sounds like the worst way to describe a baby, but it's true.)

Yes, life is so much better right now. Sure, the world outside is going to crap, but Story has definitely reached an "easier" plateau. And the increased amount of sleep for her and ourselves has definitely helped. I'm very excited that she can sit up in my lap now and play for most of our time together and is thoroughly enjoying tummy time. And she's a voracious eater, especially when it comes to cereal. She's just a joy and a delight to be around.

The only downside is that she's starting to refuse the breast. Mostly, because the bottle is instant gratification when compared to breastfeeding. Every time I put her on to feed lately she starts complaining, crying and screaming. I have to literally hold her on for a few minutes until my let down starts, then she chills out. Again, I'm finding myself at the edge of giving up breastfeeding. My supply dipped again (I now can barely get 6 oz after a day of pumping at work) and, with her refusing the breast, I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm still going to try to make it to a year, but I'm already proud I've made it to six months. It's already surpassing my own mother's breastfeeding record, so that makes me feel good. I'm hoping this is a phase Story is going through and that we'll be back to enjoyable feeding again soon.

On that note, the funniest thing has happened. Story has begun to recognize what milk looks like. Whenever Tim or I have a glass of milk and she sees it, she instantly starts grunting and thrusts her arms out to "beg" for it. It's really cute and makes me proud of how smart she is. On the other hand, it's dangerous to have a glass of milk anywhere near her, since she automatically things it's for her.

Makin' Baby Food!

I decided while Story was in utero that I was going to try to make most of her baby food. My friend Amy C posted in her blog about a wonderful book, Top 100 Baby Purees, and I immediately bought it and started studying. I will admit that my love for cooking was already deep seeded before embarking on the journey of baby food making, so the idea of making Story's food just seemed to be a natural course of things.

I will admit that at first I was a little intimidated. Even though I know it's really basic stuff, I just felt like I would some how mess it up. I seriously had no reason to worry, however, because it's really the easiest thing ever. All you do is steam (or mash, if it's fresh fruit) the ingredients, add some water or milk and freeze in ice cube trays.

Over the past few weeks, I have made baby food in the following flavors:

*banana
*avocado
*carrot
*sweet potato
*trio of root veggies (parsnip, sweet potato and carrot)

And today I plan on making a carrot/broccoli mix. I tell ya, by the time I start giving her these in a week or so, she'll have quite a nice freezer stash of food.

Even though it's sad to see Story growing up so quickly, it's also AWESOME. The fact that I can now take her to visit family and friends for a whole day with ease is just fabulous. Sure, I could take her out and nurse her before, but it required so much focused attention all the time. Now that's she's gotten down the tricks of holding a bottle and eating mushed foods, it's like a whole new ballgame.

MRSA!

Story recently got an infected hangnail that caused me to take the day off of work and go to the Pediatrician. It was so nasty and grody... poor gal. Anyways, I took her to the doctor, who squeezed the icky puss out and sent it for culturing. Meanwhile, he asked if I would like to put her on antibiotics or not and I told him most definitely. Anyways, Story is now totally fine and her finger has healed up nicely.

But the results of the culture came back and STORY HAD MRSA!!! We don't know where she got it from, only that it somehow infected her hangnail. I know she's fine and all, but it's so amazingly scary to think of. And I feel so bad, because I work in a hospital, so I'm automatically blaming myself for this one.

But the good part is that she's fine, that little missy is doing OK. But I'm totally freaked out now, of course.

Finally, I'm back!

I gained a whopping 78 pounds with Story. I honestly don't regret a single minute of it, as I was able to eat as many sugary, fatty, delicious treats as I could stomach. It was fabulous! However, the body dysmorphia that followed her birth was really tough to handle.

For instance, my best friend and her hubby surprised Tim and I by cleaning our whole house and leaving little presents for us when we returned with Story from the hospital. One of those presents was a pair of pajamas and a bath robe for me. I bashfully had to admit at the time that even though the pants were an XL, there was no way I was getting them on. I could barely scooch them over my thighs and even then, there was no way they were making it up FatButt Mountain. I put them away in my drawer and said, "I AM going to fit back into them. This is just a transition body. It will happen."

Since that time, I have been eating much better (if you don't count a fatty southern breakfast here and there) and, since my hypoglycemia reared its ugly head again, I have cut out all sugars and simple carbs from my diet. I've also GASP been exercising again and attending dance rehearsal fairly regularly. I don't own a scale though, so the only clue I've had that I've been losing weight has been my post preggo clothes becoming looser and looser.

Last week, I attempted the cute pajama pants again and THEY FIT! Like, without shimmying, without wiggling or tugging. They just fit like normal. I tried not to get too excited by it, as well, maybe the fabric stretched out the first time I attempted to put them on or something. I could still be just as big. So what if my work pants are starting to fall off me, that could be the fabric stretching.

Well, this morning I went into my closet and broke out the Ominous Tupperware Tub of Pre-Pregnancy Clothes. My favorite black work pants were on top, still a bit disheveled from when I tried them on a couple of months back and locked them back away in despair. I stepped into them and pulled them up with ease. Then, in an act of utter astonishment, I buttoned and zipped them up! They fit! Cue a whole bunch of angels with trumpets and heavenly light. Hallelujah!

I can't say how happy I am right now. My day is totally made. Sure, most of my tops still don't fit due to the delightful gifts of breastfeeding, but I'll take pants fitting any day!

first cereal!

and a few pictures...

Milestones!

Today, I am taking the day off since it is Story's official four month baby appointment. She got weighted, measured and vaccinated today. Our little gal is in the 50th percentile for weight, 25th percentile for head size (sorry Josh, we can no longer pretend you're her real daddy... she would of had to be in the 98th percentile for that!) and 95th percentile for height. Yes, you heard me. My daughter is a GIANT. The best part is that we could her our pediatrician talking to her assistant, not really believing Story was so tall. But then she saw her and was convinced.

Besides being an AMAZING trooper for her vaccines, Story also got the green light for starting cereal! Our miss S will now be getting baby cereal in the morning and before bed. Once she's mastered eating cereal, we can move her on to stage 1 solid foods.

But first things first, I've prepared to do battle against barley cereal. Since coming home at 9 a.m., I have assembled the high chair my awesome coworkers got me and have mixed up some cereal. In a few minutes, miss S will be seated, strapped in and tasting cereal for the first time! I've got the camera poised and ready, so expect a picture and video update later on.

MAN, I AM EXCITED! eep!

Other milestones include getting the greenlight to baby proof our living room and having Story spend most of her time on the floor. The pediatrician said we should try encouraging her to sit up and play, do even more tummy time and start learning to crawl. She was also really impressed with how Story loves to stand. However, the only scary thing is tackling our MESSY living room. That's today's chore for me, I guess.

OK, off to go feed that girl!

A little cheese

I was just emailing a coworker on what it's like to be a mom and I felt like I had to cut and paste it into my blog for reference...

It sounds odd, but I feel like having a child is the closest I’ve come to being obsessed with anyone. I adore her so much, no questions. I can’t get enough of her- her cute little feet, her smile, her hoots, grunts and coos. I could seriously watch her in her swing with her lovey for hours, just marveling at how awesome she is. And yea, sometimes she drives me insane and makes me so stressed out, but I still adore her. I can remember seeing my 20 week ultrasound and just being so proud of her, knowing that I already loved her more than I thought was humanly imaginable. I know it sounds cracked out, but I can remember seeing The Grinch That Stole Christmas with her this year and feeling a total association with the Grinch when he turned good- “And the Grinch’s heart grew three times that day.” That is exactly how I felt when I first saw her.

Cheesy, but true. Story is the best.thing.ever.

Actually crying over spilled milk...

or forgotten milk, more like.

Every day, I wake up early and stap on my pump, so I can start the process of getting Story's milk for the next daycare day. I then sit for 20 minutes, feeling very bovine, until the timer runs out. Then, I look at my yield, calculate how many more times I'll have to pump, then try to schedule it into my work day. Repeat.

Well, work lately has been meeting central, so it's been hard for me to find time to get away to pump. Thusly, my supply and yield has dropped. So, I'm now trying even harder, taking more supplements and feeling bad about it. Add to this that I'm trying to get stuff together for a fancy dinner I have to go to for work and everything is all weird.

The idea being, you don't stray from the schedule. As a parent, the schedule is what keeps me sane.

Well, the schedule was thrown out the window last night. Firstly, because I found out that the place we make our ready-to-eat dinners at is closing. Then, I decided to try and find shoes for the event on Saturday, which was also a wash. At that point, I decided to cut my losses and just go home. Tim had flipflopped with me and picked up Story, so I had a nice, warm house, hubby and baby to get to.

And all my milk from that day? Well, usually I come home, juggling Story and go straight to the refrigerator with it. But last night was odd. I came home to the buzz of activity and my dress for the event having arrived, so I got distracted. Then, later on that night, I thought, "Don't forget to put the milk away!" But, of course, I forgot.

This morning, when getting up to pump, I found all of my milk still in the living room in my cooler pack. Ruined. There's no way in hell I can give it to Story. I opened the bag and literally started sobbing. Why? Well, because it is so hard right now for me to keep her partially breast milk fed at work. I try so hard to adhere to a schedule, drink tons of water, take supplements, anything I can do to try and get a measly 12-16oz a day. And when I do, I hate to admit it, but it IS like liquid gold. So, to leave it out all night and realize today that I've failed Story just totally sucks.

uh oh...

Story has been more and more in control of her arms, hands, legs and feet as of late. This is causing her to be extremely tactile. She likes to touch my arm or hold my hand whenever possible, feel the texture of her blankets and grasp at our clothes. It's so amazing.

But it can also be trouble. Tim warned me this morning that he thinks she's discovered her privates. This was just confirmed when I went to change her. I opened up her dirty diaper and BOOM her hand went straight for her crotch. I was shocked by her speed and accuracy. GREAAAT one more thing to watch out for when changing her.

summer dreamin'

In the midst of a snow and icy storm, I find myself daydreaming of visiting the beach with Story. I simply cannot wait to see her sit in the sand, wriggling her toes and grasping at it. It's going to be SO amazing.

And not to mention the fashion! Not only am I going to get a fancy pin-up bathing suit, but miss Story will need her first bathing suit as well! Of course, she'll wear it like three times, but no matter! I've already found one I love at Old Navy and it's nice and cheap, too!



There's a bunch of "UV Guard" suits at Babies R Us and, though I understand the benefits, it just reminds me way too much of the "indoor kids." They were basically full bodysuits for babies, which just seems way too restrictive for me. Yes, I understand that UV protection is important, but I'll do that with lots of sunscreen. She needs to feel the sea air on her skin!

Sigh, only a few short months and we'll be past the freezing cold.

one week back

I've been back at work for approximately one week now and things are going pretty well. I'm finding that life is pretty darned hectic and I do miss being with Story all day long, but thems are the breaks. Having to work, due to all sorts of big, adult responsibilities I have make me have no choice but to suck-it-up and go back, even though there are times I really wish we had the money for me to be a stay at home. But whatever, there are perks, too. For starters, I appreciate Story SO MUCH more now that I don't see her all day. I pick her up from daycare and just think of how much I love her and want to spend every minute with her.

Speaking of daycare, Story loves it there. LOVES it. Like, for instance, the other day she cried when I took her out of Miss Brenda's arms so she could go home. And to see the way she follows the other kids with her eyes. She's in heaven :) Though I know she misses me, too, because she SMILES and SMILES when I come to pick her up.

I have a feeling that my weeks will just fly by me from here on out. I'm already feeling wistful at the fact that it feels like I blinked and she's three months old. It's a bit startling to know that in another blink she'll be on solid foods. My my, so crazy!

well, it's official

I will have to start supplementing Story with formula in the next few days while she's at daycare. I'm just not getting enough out of my pumping sessions and her stash has dwindled down to a two-day supply. Figuring that it's currently taking me 3-4 days worth of pumping to get two 8oz bottles for her daycare, my time is pretty much up.

I'm still going to continue to pump all day at work and only breastfeed her when she's at home, in hopes of getting my supply back up. Hopefully, I'll be able to increase my yield enough that she can be taken off formula in the next few weeks (crosses fingers). I was pretty down about this yesterday, as I tried so hard all weekend to pump and store enough milk, but my yield is dropping again (which I really think is due to her going through a growth spurt- she's stopped sleeping through the night and is feeding all the time again), so I barely got 8 oz the whole weekend :(.

I did some meditating on this yesterday and I've come to terms with it. Let me say that I really don't have a problem with formula feeding, though I know it seems different from ready my frantic posts in this blog. I seriously have no issues with it. It's just that I set myself a goal to only breastfeed Story and, because I'm both an over-achiever and sore loser, it's been really hard for me to back down. I feel like I'm failing Story, Tim and myself by just not getting enough milk to feed her at daycare. I know it's not my fault, that a lot of elements led to this eventuality. But in the end I have to do what's best for Story and my sanity, so that means breaking out the formula we got for free at the hospital (what a racket) and supplementing as long as is necessary.

Thanks to all of you for your support in this crazy mess. I really appreciate it.

medical pet peeve

As a member of PR/Marketing for a hospital, I work on campaigns that teach patients to "Speak Up" about their healthcare. Our hospital is dedicated to empowering patients to tell their caregivers when they have an issue or think that they aren't being given the best level of care. Because, though doctors and nurses are incredibly smart, sometimes the patient can give valueable info that can positively effect their outcomes.

My whole experience with breastfeeding has been really rough. Partly because I am a first time mom and, though I went to classes and got books, I didn't have a great grasp on how this whole thing works (not to mention it's a learned skill). I did, however, take a class at my hospital that equated to little more than a militant lactation consultant telling us how breastfeeding is SO GOOD for you and that you can't, Can't, CAN'T do formula or you are, in essence, a terrible parent. She gave us techniques for breastfeeding and talked about "emptying yourself" but never talked about how long you should feed, how to deal with "sleepy babies" (which are common with c-section deliveries) nor did she address any of the health issues you may encounter that inhibit breastfeeding (plugged ducts, thrush, mastitis, etc.). I think this was because she was worried that this info would scare women off even trying, as it's hard stuff. But still, an educated woman is an empowered woman.

Then, the nursing staff was totally 20 years outdated on their nursing support while I was in the hospital. Telling me, in effect, that my baby feeding for 5 minutes total every two hours was totally fine (the norm should be at LEAST 15 each side, or 30 minutes or more on one side), which resulted in my milk supply being hindered and Story losing more than 10% of her bodyweight while in the hospital. Because of this, I had to bust my butt to get my supply back up.

On top of this, the nurses didn't listen to me when I told them my catheter was backing up, causing me to have a very painful UTI.

Then, finally, my "breast infection." When I first contacted my ob/gyn, the nurse insisted it was an infection. But I told her it didn't seem like mastitis (I googled it and the symptoms didn't match up) and asked if I should be examined. She said it was just an infection , that I should take the meds, use the cream and only pump that side. She also told me I couldn't store my milk from that breast, as it could cause reinfection. When the meds seemed to not be working and my supply greatly decreased, I finally called and insisied on being seen.

So, what did the OB do? Took one look at me and said, "You don't have mastitis. That's a clogged duct. That's why your meds didn't work. The onway to solve the problem is nursing. " So, basically my pumping, dumping and antibiotic taking was for nothing. If I had been seen like I asked and properly diagnosed, my supply wouldn't have diminished so much and I could have cleared this up a week ago. As it is, I'll be lucky if I can get my supply up enough again to continue exclusively breastfeeding her.

It just makes me so mad when I'm not listened to. Especially when the OB shrugs and says, "well, you can just quit if you want."
NO, I shouldn't have to quit breastfeeding because YOUR staff doesn't listen, because your practice is so large and busy that you'd rather give me meds than actually examine me.

ok, end of rant.

going back

I go back to work tomorrow. Part of me is so excited to get back to my career and have real grown up interaction. I've been really missing my job, my coworkers and the buzz of being a part of a marketing department. I miss creative meetings, ad campaigns, going to the coffee shop with my coffee buddy... all of it.

But I'm so sad about my maternity time ending with Story. Although being inside a lot due to breastfeeding and the season has driven me nuts, I just love her so. Being home with her has been such a lovely experience. I'm already heartbroken about the milestones I'll miss. And her smiling, happy periods during the day. I wish I could compromise and somehow work at home with her.

Oh well, life goes on. I'm gonna try to enjoy our last day of leave together by lounging around and enjoying her presence.

so close...more TMI fun

I really am so close to quitting breastfeeding. I am trying SO HARD to stay the course, but this is crazy. My breast infection is only slightly less painful, even after five days on antibiotics. I'm no longer crying while nursing, but it's still so painful that I can only stand a few minutes before wimping out. This is seriously some of the most intense and awful pain I've ever experienced. Well, next to the c-section :)

I'm just so depressed that my antibiotics seem to not be working. Usually it takes several days for antibiotics to work for me, but this time they just aren't kicking in. My life has also gotten extremely harder due to this infection, as I now can only feed on the left side AND I have to pump the right every time I feed on the left to make sure my supply stays intact.

Now for a major whinefest... throughout the course of pregnancy and mother hood I have dealt with the following:

*UTIs for the first time in my life
*Ridiculously swollen legs, feet and sometimes hands
*A c-section I wasn't expecting
*Horrible breastfeeding info from nurses once Story was born that resulted in low milk levels, when combined with my c-section drugs
*A sleepy baby who didn't gain enough weight due to poor breastfeeding practices on my part and c-section meds
*Another UTI I got in the hospital from my surgery recovery
*A breast infection that makes breastfeeding the worst pain ever

I know, I know, women go through a lot of crap. And there are many bullets I dodged, thanks to luck of the draw. But still, that's a long list!

I know I really want to breastfeed Story, but honestly... that formula keeps looking better and better...

Do You Like Jeopardy?

Fresh off the camera. Taken moments ago.

I Miss You

I never realized how lyrics to Bjork's I Miss You totally hit the mark on how I felt when I was pregnant.

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking

But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you

I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
By the time I stop waiting
I miss you

random thought.

I am trying SO HARD

I am trying so desperately hard not to give up on breastfeeding right now. I have an infection of the ta-ta (yeah, TMI I know), am in a great deal of pain, am totally stressed out and, as a result of all this, have had to halt my storing of milk for going back to work.

I am currently doped up, on antibiotics, have to use a bizarre cream and have now had to add in both sterilizing my pump after every use (I was cleaning it with anti-bacterial soap and all 1x/day, but that's no good) as well as had to master feeding Story while pumping at the same time, no easy task.

I just feel like breastfeeding has been SUCH an uphill battle for me. I think it is for a lot of people. But right now I feel like every time I win one fight, I find a whole new, worse opponent just around the corner.

My goal is to breastfeed Story for at least a year. If I can make that, I am going to seriously shout for joy at this point. I feel like I'm at the point of just going day-to-day, trying so hard not to give up and reach for some formula.

just no fair

It's just not fair. Now that I'm about to go back to work in a week, Story has become just the BEST baby to be around. She and I spend our days eating, playing and cooing, watching TV, playing with developmental toys. She takes regular naps, even will nap in her swing without complaint... she's just a treasure.

Why is it that I can't just stay at home and enjoy her? Well, I probably COULD if I really wanted to, but we'd have to sell the house, a car, all that. No, I love my career and I am excited about getting back to it. But part of me is so upset that I have to go back. I will miss her amazing personality every minute I'm away from her. She's just magical.

I know that in the years to come, she'll be even more incredible every day. And I'm so excited for her going to daycare. My lovely friend, Toya's, mom will be watching her and I'm just sure she'll make lots of new friends and adore her caregiver. She's so social that I'm sure daycare will be tons of fun for her.

I just can't wait until I have more leave stored up again and I can take some days with her. She's just so fun now.

Story has a boyfriend!

So, I finally got the courage to attend a Baltimore Natural Mothers/Attachment Parenting Meetup Group this afternoon. I've kept meaning to attend, as I am in some dire need of having some moms to hang out with in the area. But even though I'm usually a social animal in other situations, for some reason I've been terrified about meeting and hanging out with other moms. I guess I just sometimes feel so clueless as to what I'm doing, no matter how much I research, that I am afraid of hanging around other moms and looking like a total dolt. But I finally pulled myself by my wussy little bootstraps and went out.

And it was a ton of fun! It was a very low-key hangout, with nice snacks (must remember to contribute in the future!) and a cool gal talking to us about chemicals in baby products. It's pretty disturbing that the U.S. sells products that are known to be harmful to children, including baby care products that have icky stuff in them. She also educated us on the Kid Safe Chemicals Act, which urges the U.S. to stop allowing companies to put toxic chemicals in home cleaners, detergents and body products.

But probably the best part was that Story got a boyfriend! This awesome mom was there with her little boy, Lief (of COURSE I can't remember HER name... it's terrible. SEE why I'm so afraid of making friends?) who just so happens to be about a week older than Story. So now, by default, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Their first date was very romantic- lots of drooling, staring at shiny lights, looking at shadows and ignoring each other. I think they're off to a great start!

And I came home to the Ravens versus Dophins, with the Ravens winning so far!

It's been a pretty good day. If I didn't have thrush, it'd be much better, though. But oh well, you can't have everything, now can you?

TMI... so much pain

Yesterday evening, I started having pain while nursing on the right side. Over the course of the evening, it has turned into what can only be described as excruciating pain emanating from the right nipple every time Story feeds. It's so horrible that I've had to switch her to the left side and have resorted to using my pump to drain the right side and give it to her via bottle so I don't damage my supply. I hoped it was just a sore area or minor clogged duct, but it won't go away. Even pumping is SO painful, but it's way better than nursing.

I'm pretty sure that Story and I have thrush and will have to high tail it to her pediatrician for a check-up on Monday. This also means that I'll have to more than likely dump any milk I'm getting off my right (the most highly productive) side. I just can't deal with this, it's SO much pain. And combined with the fact that I'm still sick and sleep deprived, I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and upset.

Sometimes, I just want to give up on breastfeeding. I love the closeness and the benefits for Story, but it's been so problematic for me. And this pain is SO INTENSE and so horrible, I just don't know how long I can hold up.