Dear Daughterling

I put off having you for so long, because I felt like I needed the time to be perfect- I'd have a great job, your dad and I would own a house you could grow into, I'd feel we were financially stable enough to provide for you, I'd be mature enough to be the best parent I possibly could be, the world would be safer, the economy would be stable and everything would fall into place, ensuring you the least amount of stress, worry or care.

Well, if any of us waited in this world for the optimal environment for having children, the planet would be barren and left to the monkeys to deal with.

It's with an odd chuckle that I realize you're coming into this world in a time of tremendous upheaval. Our economy is totally shot (they just announced today that a bill that would bail out Wall Street, which is this big money making place you'll learn about some day, isn't passing and the world is freaking out), we're in a state of flux in the Middle East, Russia hates us, a lot of the world hates us, for that matter, big financial institutions and banks are going under, the housing market is tanked, global warming is rapidly changing our climate, many people are without jobs and we're in the midst of a historical election that will take place just days after you arrive on the scene.

But for all this, I don't think you could possibly show up at a better time. Because having you in such a time as this means that, with the whole world seemingly stacked against itself, there's nowhere to go but up. And, as is said in a very cheesy Disney movie mommy loves, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare." So it's odd to know that in a time where I'd usually be freaking out about everything and wanting to hide under a rock, I'm finding myself smiling like crazy and being extremely excited... all because of you.

And you know what, too? I went back and did some checking around and you know what? The world was pretty crazy when I was born, too. I just don't think there's ever a perfect time for any of us to come into this world. Or maybe, anytime is a perfect time for us to come into this world.

Anyways, you'll be here soon and more than likely everything will still be crazy, unsolved, undecided and up-in-the-air. But that's OK. I think you'll like it here anyways. Even though everything seems crazy now, the world is full of awesome things that make times like these drift from our memories as we grow older.

Like ice cream. Man, you're gonna LOVE ice cream.

See you soon,

Love yo momma.

birth companions, check!

I totally forgot that today was the day Tim and I were slated to meet our birth companions. For those who are like, "what the heck are birth companions?" I'll explain. Birth companions, or doulas, are trained professionals who serve as advocates and support to the mother and her partner during birth. They fulfill many roles, from communicating your birth wishes to your nursing staff and doctor (whether or not you want interventions/drugs, whether you'd like to labor in various positions, if you intend to breast feed or not, etc.) as well as being mental support during birth. They don't take the place of doctors or nurses, they're just like having personal birthing assistants.

For our birth, Tim and I are participating in the Johns Hopkins Birth Companions program, which is a free service to help nursing students get doula training. It's beneficial for both them and us, as we couldn't normally afford a doula and they get to experience our birth and count it towards their training. So we're all sort of learning as we go along.

We met our doulas today and they're great gals. Both are young, fun and very well educated (I was expecting they might be shaky or scared, but they were both so well composed and relaxed. I actually asked if they'd attended births before because they seemed so calm.) They helped me to understand their role, as well as what Tim and I were looking for in our birth. We're trying to go for an all natural, intervention-free birth, but I'd also like to be able to get medication if I change my mind. We chatted with them for about a half hour and I felt totally great with our decision. They were very surprised with my own planning and knowledge, as well as Tim's calm nature and his knowledge/expectations for birth. I think this is going to be an amazing and good experience.

Now, I just have to think of a "safe word" to use that means I really, honestly want meds. Tim suggested, "paladin," muhahaha.

my amazing sister`

Many of my friends know this already, but I have just about the best sister on Earth. Seriously, you may think your sister is better, but she's not. My sister, indeed, is the best.

My sister is not only smart, pretty and one of the funniest people I know, but she's also one of the most generous. Though she pretends to be a heartless Republican, she is really a giant softy who would do anything for the people she loves. There, I have exposed her secret.

She took Tim and I out yesterday and literally got us everything else we could possibly need for our daughter besides the stroller (which we are asking for some family help with.) With my niece in tow, we went on a baby shopping spree at Target. She bought us a pack-n-play, monitors, cute clothes and booties, a freaky jungle themed baby play set (I say "freaky" because it has a "friendly giraffe" toy as part of the set that really weirded my sister out, but I love), all sorts of bottles and breast feeding accessories, a first aid kit, blankies and, best of all, a Redskins cheerleader baby set (this is funny as I'm more of a Ravens fan, but the daughter can now be dressed up for hanging out with Aunt Kim on game day.) She totally didn't have to be so generous, but I'm glad she was. I have SO MUCH less stress now, I can't even tell ya. I look around the daughter's room and say... "YES. We could have her soon and everything would be fine."

Now, my sister would say that she is only being so nice because she had MY daughter (my niece and I are kindred spirits) and my daughter will, therefore, be a little conservative Republican like her. She jokes that it's because our daughter will be just like her and she's investing in her future.

But I know the truth... it's because she's the best sister in the world.

So, could you go at like, ANY DAY?

There are some things that you just shouldn't say to a pregnant woman. For the life of me I DON'T KNOW why they're not just common sense, but they're not. I have had more than my share of people say things to me as I began to look more and more pregnant that I just don't understand how they think they're appropriate or welcome.

These include:

"So, any day now, huh!" (if you say this to a woman who has more than one week left before her due date, she'll give you laser stabby-eyes, more than likely. Because it sucks for someone to A) Say they think you're big B) Remind you that you have WEEKS left of discomfort.)

"You have X weeks left? Wow, are you sure you're not having TWINS!" (I don't know how anyone thinks this is cute or acceptable to say. People know very early on now if they're having twins and they'll tell you if they are. Again, calling someone big is rude. I think we pregnant women should counter with,"No, no twins for me. But man you ass is HUGE. Are you gaining weight?")

"From the looks of you, he/she is gonna be a big baby!" (OK, I get there is some weird cultural thing that lauds big, fat, healthy babies. But again, comments like this just make a girl feel huge AND you may acutally be bringing up a hard issue. If a woman has been told by her doc she's measuring behind or the baby isn't gaining enough weight, you have more than likely just opened up a very hard can of worms. Good job, tactolicious!)

and, for my final one...

"God... it must be terrible to be so pregnant in X weather!" (I know you think you're commiserating, but after the 1 millionth time of someone pointing out how miserable you must be because of a climate you cannot change, it gets old and annoying. I seriously want to look people in the eye and say, "Oh wow.. YEAH I HADN'T noticed! Gawd, if you hadn't brought up that it was broiling out there since I was 30 weeks pregnant, I just wouldn't of even thought of it. Man, this IS uncomfortable, WOW!")

Nice things that are always welcome in my book are:

"You look beautiful today." (you don't have to mention The Glow. Please don't, in fact.)

"You are carrying your pregnancy wonderfully! You look great." (even if you don't mean it, it's nice to think we don't look like inflated blueberries.)

"Girl, you look hot!" (it's nice to not be called "cute" all the time.)

Just remember that the whole world seems to think that pregnant women are public property- we get touched, manhandled, talked at by crazy strangers constantly, asked our due date about five million times a day, our food choices are openly scrutinized by family, friends and strangers and given parenting advice we don't want. So be kind to us and, once in a while, try not to act like our personalities and all of our lives revolve around being pregnant/a mother. We were individuals with all sorts of hobbies, passions, fears and hopes before getting pregnant. Just because we're pregnant now doesn't mean we still aren't those same people. We don't throw off the mantle of numerous years on this earth and brainwash ourselves once we get a positive on a pee stick.

ups and downs

I'm feeling like a caged bird lately. I've gotten to that big stage of pregnancy and it's making me feel all sorts of restless and burdensome. I want to go out, be social, enjoy the fall weather that's rolling in and make the best of the last few weeks I have of being pregnant. But instead I find myself being unable to go on walks for more than 1/2 hour before the back pain kicks in, feeling tired and grumpy again and feeling lonely. I don't really have anyone in my friend circle that is having a baby right now, so I don't have a comrade to talk to. I can't do the things I normally love to do in fall: go on long walks with the hubby, buy sweaters and fall boots, drink spicy mulled spiked cider and red wine or be out and about, enjoying the crisp, clean air. Instead, I feel like a cloistered wife whose seen WAY too much of the insides of her own home lately.

That, paired with the fact that my beloved cat died last week (hit by a car) and that I found out one of my close family members has Parkinson's and is on the decline means that I'm feeling depressed, angry, helpless and exhausted. This fall is already starting off so rough, when it should be a time of happiness and excitement over the daughterling. Instead, I feel restless and desperate for change.

I also feel like all of these things combined make me question everything. I feel scared again that I'll suck as a parent. I'm worried that I can't even manage my own life (lord I have to use a carabiner for my keys or I'd lose them all the time), let alone this little person that will depend on me. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing or cursing too much or just not being good enough to do everything right. I'm scared I won't know what to do when the baby comes or that I'll be so full of cabin fever that I'll be miserable on maternity leave.

Hell,I'm scared of getting her out!

Now, not to be a Negative Nancy or anything... there are some good things going on. Like the fact that the nursery is pretty much set up and I'm feeling good about bringing her home. Actually, I find myself sitting in the empty nursery all the time, smiling to myself like a dork. Because I just imagine her there, imagine what life will be like with her here and it's so exciting. I also imagine taking her out for walks and visits, watching her grow and listening to the crazy noises she'll make. I imagine spending fall with her, walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the holidays and seeing what she really looks like. I swear, having a kid is like knowing you got the best X-mas gift in the world, ever, under the tree and you're not allowed to open it for MONTHS. It's that good and frustrating and awesome.

I just feel like I'm treading water right now. I know it'll pass and all will be well, but it's so hard, this last month of waiting. I'm so ansy and just ready for her to be here. I know it'll come soon enough, but I've always been too impatient for my own good.

eep cloth diapering

Lord, there is SO MUCH to learn as far as cloth diapering goes. I can understand now why so many people go the way of disposables, because it's way easier to just buy and toss than to learn the intricacies of absorbency rates, diaper covers, cover types, pocket diapers, all-in-ones (AIOs) and pre-washing.

But we have a saying in Brooke and Tim land:

It's not about what's easy, it's about what's right.

And what's right is not creating piles and piles of plastic diapers in landfills that will take 300 years to biodegrade. What's right is not bringing someone into this world to a large burden of ecological waste. Sure, we do enough damage in our day-to-day lives and I know that I've made my negative impacts on the world. I'm sure I'll continue to do so in the future. But my desire is LESS of a negative impact. The more I reuse/cut out of my life, the better and better I leave the planet.

(stands down from soapbox)

In light of this, I have just completed my second buy of cloth diapering stuff. I have spent a modest amount on a pail, pail liner, two wet bags, 24 prefolded diapers in infant size (though I have to admit, they look a bit big) and some diaper covers of various sorts. I'm planning on trying out prefolds/covers for the first three months or so, then maybe switching to pocket/AIOs from there on out. I'm trying out some BumGenius (har har) one size diapers and, if those work well, I'll continue to use them throughout little daughterling's diapering experience.

I have to admit that it's scary, looking at the amount you spend on start-up for this. BUT I calculated what I would of spent on throwaways, and I'm still saving in the long run. Not staggering amounts, but it's nice to save money AND be nice to the environment, so there you go.

And I told Tim that if we have more than one of the little buggers, then it will be more than worth the moolah to reuse this stuff.

EEP parish the thought! Could I go through this all again?

Maybe. I've always wanted two kids max, though. Stay tuned.

33 Weeks- Big Adult Purchases

I have reached the 33 week point, which means I only have about 7 weeks or so to go. That's less than two months and, though it's not some significant number by any medical standard, for some reason it's a milestone for me. For some reason, finding myself with less than two months left to go feels like I'm on the part of the rollercoaster where I've hit the apex of the hill and can just feel that pull downwards. I know that everything will whirl by from here.

Tim and I just got back from Babies R Us after having made major purchases that solidify the impending parenthood- we bought our crib and dresser/changing table set. After much searching/scoping out online, I picked a few sets that got great reviews as far as wear and tear go, as well as a crib that converts into a toddler bed. We didn't break the bank or anything (it's amazing to me how expensive cribs/kid's bedroom sets are... OMG it's as much if not more than adult beds in most cases), but I feel like we got the best set for our money.

Behold, the pretties:



and the changing table (we got one to match the crib above, but they don't have that color online, so I'm posting the "natural" one)



We had to order these in store (that's the way it goes at BRU, I guess), so it'll be a week or more before we can pick them up. I'm just so excited. It was a scary and big purchase to make, but then I have to remind myself that the amount we spent on both these items was HALF what people pay at the posh baby store up the street for a single set of drawers, so that makes me feel better.

It's just getting so REAL!

Nesting is a funny funny thing

I think it's safe to say that both Tim and myself are in the AAAAAAAAAAAAH Nesting phase. Though I will freely admit that I'm in much more of a hyper mode, we're both finding ourselves a bit antsy over the very near future arrival of our daughter.

For those not in-the-know, "nesting" is a term in the parenting/baby-focused world regarding the period in the last few months of gestation in which the extreme, guttural urge to prepare your home and space for your impending spawn completely takes over your life. You find yourself in a focused state wherein all of your surroundings are scrutinized and your brain becomes a series of to-do and to-buy lists. The tiniest of chores or items to be acquired become big worries, making each day that ticks by another day lost, another day where you are more and more ill prepared to be a parent.

The impact that nesting has had on me has been dramatic. I think I told myself I wouldn't be "one of those people," but oh yes, yes I am. I am finding myself driven to wash all of the baby's sheets, curtains and clothing, to fold and prepare them and clean them, even though I still have seven weeks left. I find myself standing in the middle of the baby's room, just staring, thinking, "OH MY GOD I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS," not knowing just how much time has elapsed since I entered the room. I am constantly scanning craigslist and ebay, terrified that we'll forget to buy some big item or that my crib set will fall through (it's being handed down from my sister's sister-in-law, who is still using it for her toddler.) I am looking all around and finding clutter, clutter everywhere. I am just so damned scared I'm ill prepared.

But it's not just anxiety. It's excitement. I'm putting the sheets in the porta-crib because I just want to see what the room would look like in stasis, waiting for the girl. I keep hugging the baby clothes, smelling them and wondering what it will be like to have them filled with a little person. I have cleaned the bottles already and, even though I won't use them until the daughterling is a month or so old anyways, I keep picking them up and smiling at the idea of putting them to use. It's just so magical, like waiting for the best Christmas ever.

It's just so hard. Because I can feel it, it's like the whole universe and the air and everything are whispering, "soon, soon!" And having to wait is making me both giddy with excitement and wild with anxiety.

I think of the term "nesting" and I wonder if birds feel this way, too. I don't know. I think it may just be some crazy human thing we made up, just another piece of static for our daily chatter. But boy, it sure feels like a tangible, hard-wired set of reactions to me. Primal and bizarre.

gratitude

I had my baby shower on Saturday and I cannot express how lucky I feel. My sister put so much hard work into organizing the event, including tons of cooking and Martha Stewart-like hostessing. My mother and mother-in-law also pitched in, as well as my sister's close friends, my niece and her good friend. So many friends and family trucked on up to the Frederick area to help celebrate our daughter-to-be and lend their support. It was so fantastic, so much better than I could have imagined.

I'll admit that although I'm a performer, I can't stand to have attention on me in a regular setting. Sure, family/friend gatherings are one thing, but whole events centered on me are daunting and flattering. I was a bit scared of having so many people there to focus on me and my pregnatude that I found myself working like crazy with my sister and everyone on setting out food and stuff for the shower, because I was nervous and needed distraction. But it was awesome! Everyone was so relaxed and I got to just sit back, mingle and enjoy myself.

So, as to the loot... we walked away with some awesome clothes for the gal (she is going to be more hip and trendy than Tim and I can ever hope to be) as well as some necessities, like two Boppys, a nifty snack ball, rattles, toys, bedding, etc. What I really loved was how all of my friends and family had really put themselves into their gifts and what they gave reflected them. It was great to receive handmade gifts as well, like soakers/kimonos/burpcloths from Amy and a beauteous receiving blanket from Linda.

Now we have to gear up for the rest of the crazy baby spending. I tell ya, there is a LOT you have to acquire for start-up supplies. But thankfully we have some moolah stored up, so we should be ok. One awesome thing I found out is that a new shop is opening in Pikesville this weekend that sells cloth diapering and mothering materials. I'm going to give it a go on Sunday and see what it's like. I really would like to get to try some things out and see what I'm interested in buying before I go all gung-ho.