Story's First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is literally a family rock-block for us. We start off with Tim's family coming in a day or two before, and thus begins all day visits with his large family and our Thanksgiving day fun with mine. Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday to spend with our families, as it's almost like an festival concert or something. And it's gluttony-tastic, with Thanksgiving day, Chinese food night, Seafood day and then leftover time.

I was a bit worried about Story and how she'd handle this kind of intense, people-ladened time. She's spent most of her existence in our tiny home, hanging out with Tim and I, kind of secluded from other humans. It's not that we're trying to coddle her, but it's freakin' cold out (and holiday shopping season, which means it's hell to get around and go to malls where we could do some indoor walking...) I was worried that she'd get really overstimulated and be a crying mess the whole time.

Wednesday was the first day I went over to Tim's parent's house, which just happened to coincide with his first day back at work. I went over early because I was nervous about my first day handling Story all by myself, so I felt like it would be great to hang out around family. And it was! Tim's family are totally cool about me breastfeeding, so I had lots of company while S ate up a storm. And everyone was so wonderful about wanting to hold her and help me get some downtime.

It was similarly laid-back at my sister's house, though they weren't as cool with breastfeeding (well, my sister was... but mom told me to be more modest, which kind of ticked me off. oh well, we all have our different comfort zones.) It was so cute to see my niece caring for S and feeding her, too. It was just awesome to have so much love and help from family. It's not that I expected less, but it was still so wonderful.

However, S did get REALLY overstimulated. I found that at about 3pm each day she would get really fussy and angry at all the stimulation. Tim's mom had a great solution for this, which was to throw a blanket over her to shield out the light and some noise. I called this the "parrot effect" and it worked pretty well. However, Tim found the surefire solution, which was to put her in our Premaxx Sling Carrier and close the drawstrings all the way, which shut out the light and noise as well as gave her a nice rocking motion when Tim walked her around. This put her out lickety split! I just love how parenting makes us discover all of these amazing toys and contraptions!

Today is Family Home Thanksgiving with Amy, La, Josh and possibly Katie/Dingo. Even though the last few days were fun, I'm so glad to have one to ourselves at home and then a relaxing dinner with a few friends. I think S needs a day to wind down.

Cloth Diapering is easy... really!

I will humbly admit that we used regular old, environment-harming diapers for the first month of Story's existence. I had bought a bunch of cloth diapering supplies and was sure I'd be good to go by the time she got here, but then she was so small at birth that none of them would fit. That, combined with all the stress and lack of sleep from the first few weeks of us adjusting to her in our lives meant we figured it was worth it to use disposable diapers for the first few weeks or so.

I also must admit that a little bit of why we didn't start it up was because we were scared. No matter how many tutorials I'd read online or people I'd talked to about their experiences, I was really anxious about actually using cloth diapers. I kept imagining all these leaks and gross, soppy prefolds. So, there you have it... I can dance with giant, flaming fans without a second thought, but cloth diapers freaked me the heck out.

One good facet of my personality is that I definitely know myself well enough to know how to get around my own bullshit. So, I woke up one morning and decided it was time to jump in. I got up, changed her out of her disposable diaper and put on a cloth diaper and cover. I resolved myself and put the hubby on notice that we would be cloth diapering from now on, with the occasional disposable if need be. And we haven't looked back since.

And yes, as you can tell by the post title, it's WAY easier than I thought. I totally don't know why I was so scared in the first place, to be honest. The hardest part about prefolds is getting down how to fold them, of which there are several methods. Once I got down the fold I preferred, it got easier and easier each time to change Story in no time flat. The only other challenge was figuring out which covers fit and worked best, but in the end I found that most covers are fabulous at containment. They're also darned cute.

So far, I'm a huge fan of indian prefolds with Bummis SuperBrite covers or Mimas PUL covers (an awesome chick who sells her stuff on Etsy.) We've also used a BumGenius diaper, which was great, too, but I like the fact that I can reuse covers with multiple prefolds, whereas the BumGenius is a single use n wash diaper.

Man, look at me, I sound smart :)

But seriously, I feel like I'm becoming a diaper genius. And really, it's not any big deal, because it's much easier than it seems.

OH and Amy La, I finally got to use the wool soaker you knitted for her! I put it on her today so she could have some extra protection without wearing a full crawler onesie and it was SO CUTE. I'll have to take a picture :)

growing and growing

Story had her one month appointment at the pediatrician's today and it went wonderfully. She has yet again grown WAY more than either Tim or I could have guessed. Within the past week, she has put on a whopping 10 ounces and has grown two inches (though I think, in all honesty, that those two inches occurred over time.) But seriously, it's amazing that she went from barely gaining weight to packing on the ounces. Good job, daughter!

She's also started making little cooing and "uhn" noises, which is just the sweetest and cutest thing to behold. It's just so damned cool how she seems to do something new and different every day. I have to admit that I'm a bit sad to think that I'm going to miss so much when I go back to work. Tim is already sad in advance when he thinks of what he'll miss when he goes back to work in a week. I wish we had tons of money so we could both stay home and just bask in her awesomeness... oh well.

Best and Worst

There's a lot of crap that they market to moms out there, most of which is utterly useless. I have to admit that I fell into the new-mom trap of buying some gimmick items that I totally didn't need. I also was given some awesome stuff that I never even thought to ask for. So, I'm listing my best and worst mom items in this thread for the benefit of my mom-friends out there (and I've decided to keep this thread posted in the lefthand navigator bar for future updates.)

BEST

Born Free Bottles- These are the only bottles Story will use at this point (1 month old.) They are just the right size for her and the nipples give just the right amount of suction. I introduced these bottles at three weeks to give her some supplemental milk and they haven't interfered with breastfeeding that much. I notice a small difference, but nothing major. And I think this is because, unlike a couple of the other bottle types we bought, these look the most like real nipples. And I love the fact that they're BPA free and so sturdy.


Gillian O'Malley Nursing Sleep Bra- When I first bought this, I missed the "sleep bra" portion of the description. I literally picked it up in a frantic dash to Target after we brought Story home because I kept putting off buying nursing bras. When I got to Target, this was the only one they had in my size and I was desperate. So, after using it a few times, I was hating on it because it was so lacking in the support category and it made me look like Mrs. Ugly Saggyboobs. However, when I went to hate on it and checked it out on Target's site, I realized it's a sleep bra. Huh. Well then I love it, because it's so comfy and just perfect for sleeping. And yeah, if you're anything like me, you'll need a bra for sleeping. It helps contain the leaks and makes life much more comfy.

Itzbeen- My friend Casey got us one of these and it's amazingly useful. Though it seems so simple in its construct, it's brilliant. It times when you last changed the baby, fed the baby, how long the baby has been sleeping. It's been especially great for timing breastfeeding.

Kiddopatamus Swaddle Me Blanket- I LOVE THIS THING. LOVE LOVE LOVE. A wonderful coworker bought this for me and it's like solid gold. Swaddling correctly can be such a pain with regular blankets, but this one is so simple. Just tuck the baby in, wrap the two velcro flaps around em and you're done. It's so soft and the velcro is really strong, it's definitely worth way more than ten bucks! Plus, I'm a sucker for the bear velcro clasps.

Medela Freestyle Breast Pump- I haven't really ever used another pump to compare it to, so I can't say this one is better than any other. But I can say that this pump does a wonderful job, is fairly comfortable and allows me to walk around and do stuff, if I feel like it. It's relatively quiet (though I still feel like the motor sounds like it's saying, "Mooo, mooo, mooo...") and has these awesome attachments that fit my nursing bras to keep the pumps in place. Plus, it comes in a nifty bag that I use to cart it around in when we go visiting places so I can still pump regularly.
Pack n Play/Playard- I totally thought these were useless, but they have been such a lifesaver. Especially for those of you with multi-level homes or who spend time in your backyard gardening, bbqing or just hanging out a lot, these are a must-have. It's so convenient to have a combo changing table, playard and bassinet.

Target Nursing Tanks- I can't believe that a tank this cheap is this good. I bought a Bravado tank (see below) and, while it's nice and supportive, it SUCKS as far as ease of use goes. It kind of blows my mind that the "cheapo" tanks I bought at target, literally less than half the price of the Bravado tanks, are just as comfy and are WAY more convenient to use. These tanks are cute, nice and long in the torso and can be opened and closed with one hand, in seconds flat. They also aren't too thick material wise, so they don't ride up as easily. And for the price, I could get them in multiple colors without breaking my budget.

LovelyDuds baby wrap- We have every kind of carrier possible: baby bjorn, sling and then this thing, which is basically one long piece of fabric. And I love them all for their different uses, but this one is definitely my favorite. It keeps Story nice and close and is totally easy to use. Not to mention, it looks pretty on and can grow with her.

Zippered Sleep n Plays- These are literally the best articles of baby clothing ever. They're cheap, cute and so easy to get our girl in and out of. They cover all the basic needs- ease of use, warmth, cuteness and affordability. I LOVE THEM. I started off using a lot of the snappy onesies that were given to us, then, after getting a few of these from Target, I promptly went back and picked up tons more. Between these and sleep gowns, I'm set.

WORST

Bravado Nursing Tank- As I mentioned above, I am not a huge fan of these tanks. I'm really impressed by the amount of support they offer for bigger ta-ta ladies like me (I'm about an E now.) These tanks definitely feel like you're wearing a very supportive sports bra and that's definitely a plus. But even the wonderful support and fairly flattering form don't make up for its issues as far as ease of use go. First off, they have these odd circular clasps that are very hard to fasten with one hand. Sure, I can get them off easily, but getting them back up is a real pain to do one-handed. And then there's the issue of pumping. Though my pump comes with several bra-style attachments, the Bravado circular clasp style seems to be proprietary, wherease the cheapo Target tank is standard. So, I have to do this crazy jury-rigging to get the Bravado tank to work with my pump. NOT fun. And finally, the material is such a thick stretch material that yeah, it does do a bit of shaping... but it also rolls up easily and feels kind of cloistering. And at fifty bucks each, these just don't seem worth it.

Snap Up Crawlers/Sleep-n-Plays- I don't know why in this age of zippers they still make these things. Trying to snap a squirming, upset baby into one of these is like hell on earth. Picture this: your kid is already annoyed at being stripped down and having its nice, warm, poo filled diaper removed so you can wipe them down and force them into a new one. They are kicking, squirming, crying and complaining. Now, try to get those legs and arms into a snap up sleep-n-play. Yeah, hell. You want something that can zip up in a flash so that your baby can be nice and cozy again, not some article of clothing you have to keep snapping and re-snapping when they kick and unsnap the whole damned thing. URGH.

win baby legwarmers!

Win 20 Pairs of Baby Leg Warmers from babySNAZZ!


had to post this nifty contest shared by Amy on her blog. Thanks!

waiting game

It's so frustrating waiting to be cleared to do higher impact exercise. I understand that I had major surgery and I respect that. I'm not saying that it makes sense for me to be so frustrated right now, but I do. Before getting pregnant, I was a very active person- I danced, taught dance, did yoga, pilates and the occasional jog/run. Now, I spend most of my time sitting on a coach, feeding my daughter, watching way too much tv and knitting when I can. I know, TOUGH LIFE, but it actually is a bit like torture. I see my bellydance dvds and I yearn to get up and dance for hours, I see my yoga mat and I daydream about doing an intense yoga practice. But I can't do either of these things, as my surgery involved separating my abdominals and cutting through tons of layers of flesh, fat and uterus.

My body just feels antsy. This is only made worse by staring at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the flabby, stretch-marked belly and body that stare back at me. I've always been a curvier girl, but I've had very well defined abdominal muscles and strong things and arms from dance and yoga, so this body doesn't feel like my own. It feels like someone else hijacked my body, took it for this wild nine month spin and dumped it back on my doorstep, all odd and stretched out.

I understand that this, too, will all pass in time and I'l be back to my old self before I know it... but for now I feel like I've got cabin fever in my own skin.

I think I'm going to call my ob/gyn tomorrow and see what exercises I am cleared to do for now. Maybe I can do some low impact yoga? I'm already walking when I can, even though it's gotten pretty gross outside. I just don't know how long I can take being so sedentary.

gettin fat!

Woohoo!

Just came back from the pediatrician and Story is up a whopping 11 ounces from her last weigh in a week ago!!! She's back to her birth weight and all is going fabulously. Just goes to show how odd babies are with their growth spurts. I also am quite happy to find that my new feeding/pumping techniques have worked!

I have to admit that I wasn't surprised that she had gained weight. In the past few days, she's all but outgrown a bunch of the newborn onesies we bought for her. It's really cool, but also a but stunning to notice that one day your baby fits into something and the next you can barely squeeze them in. Human growth is so amazing!

It's also been great to have Tim be able to feed Story via bottle. It's really wonderful to watch him bond with her in that way. It's also nice that I can now get a 4 hour block of sleep in once in a while at night.

Speaking of which, off to go be lazy while Story takes a nap. It's rainy, so I feel a hot drink and internet surfing fiasco coming on.

My best advice... pt 1 (or something)

First off, thanks Rachel for the kind comment about my honesty on this blog. I have found that the honesty that other friends of mine posted in their blogs really helped me to get through some rough spots in the pregnancy and motherhood department, so I'm trying to follow suit. Oh and nice to meet ya via internet.

Now, for the BEST ADVICE I can give to any of my friends who are pregnant or are planning to be pregnant in the future...

Plan on having a c-section.

OK, that sounds crazy. No I don't mean to plan for one like, demand your doctor delivers you via c-section. I know that some women really prefer the idea of a c-section versus vaginal delivery and, honestly, I can't hate on that. I respect every woman's right to do whatever they'd like with their own bodies, period.

But what I mean is that you should research what c-sections involve, know the process behind them and be aware of the risks and recovery time.

I can honestly say that I have been so ill-prepared and kicking myself with my body and the whole c-section thing. I had planned on having a totally natural birth, no drugs no nothing and even went so far as to delay going to the hospital to ensure as little interventions as is possible (note: for those of you going WHA??? to this, it is suggested that you wait until your contractions are approx 3 minutes apart or so before heading to the hospital if you want to have a natural birth. This ensures that you'll be laboring in the hospital less and have less chances to 'accidentally' say yes to meds during a bad contraction... but I digress.) The thing is, I was so anti-intervention birth that I did very little studying up on them. Meaning, I was completely in shock and ill-prepared, both mentally and physically, to deal with a c-section.

So, how can you prepare?

First off, go read up on them. I HIGHLY suggest reading the Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy, as it has a very good section (which I read after the fact, LOL) on c-section birth. Get a good idea of what they involve, especially the procedure itself and recovery time. Another good thing to note is that if you plan on breastfeeding, understanding the impact of post c-section recovery drugs and different feeding positions to manage pain.

Secondly, and this was a really big one for me... PACK like you're having a c-section. Even if you're one hundred percent sure you're having a vaginal birth, like I was, pack for a three to four day stay in the hospital. This is as simple as making sure you have a couple of nursing bras, a couple of nursing tanks, some toiletries and a good good nightgown or two. I was severly under-packed and found that I had to beg my saint of a mother to buy me a nightgown because I couldn't wear pants with my incision. And honestly, by the second day of wearing it I was a bit ripe. The only regret I have as far as packing was the lack of clothes, because if you do have to have a c-section you'll be so full of IVs, catheters and wearing sad, old lady like underpants/pads that having some nice, fresh clothes will do WONDERS.

Finally, give yourself permission to heal. I've had to relinquish a lot of my mommy duties to ensure I heal properly and it has been tough. At first, I wanted to do so much for Story- I wanted to change her, bathe her, take care of every little need. But I'm lucky I have a husband who knows about my tendency to overlook my own body's needs who laid down the law for me. The hard truth is it takes at least 6 weeks to heal in the first stages of a c-section, then up to a year to fully heal. It's major surgery. I've had a hard time realizing that I will have to be very careful with my dance studies after six weeks, that I am not an invincible wolverine woman. But knowing and accepting that what I'm doing is for the best for my body and, in turn, for my family has definitely helped me a lot mentally.

And that's the end of this session of best advice. Hopefully, none of you who want to have vaginal births will have to go through the wackiness I did. But honestly, be smarter than I was and read up on the alternative. It'll give you piece of mind and managed expectations.

I Has a System

A bit of a warning here... you are about to learn so much about my lactation, it will make your head spin. If you have breast issues, read no further. Though honestly, if you DO have breast issues, you should get over them... b/c boobs rule.

Anyways...

Tim and I talked about my breastfeeding concerns on Sunday and we decided on a system for helping my sanity. My main concerns are making sure that I have enough milk supply to feed Story effectively (you establish your milk supply in the first four weeks and I had spent so many days in the hospital, I am a bit worried about not producing enough) and that I increase my supply effectively before the four week point.

So, we came up with a plan. As of Sunday, I have been pumping at least four times per day, about 1/2 hour after feeding Story for twenty minutes. We've then been giving her that extra milk via bottle at night so Tim can have some feeding/bonding time and Story gets an extra feeding per day. Now I KNOW that lactation consultants usually tell you to wait a month before introducing any form of bottle, but Story has been latching so well that I'm following my own gut here. I figure it's better to increase my production and give Story a caloric boost via breastmilk in a bottle than to go to forumla.

And I am happy to report that it's working! I just did my first pumping session this morning and I have seen a good jump in production. At first I was only getting 1 ounce total from pumping both sides at once, what seemed like a piddly amount. It's only been about one full day of increased pumping and I'm already getting three ounces total! The funny thing is that lefty is a severe underachiever to righty, so I think I'm going to have a few sessions today only pumping lefty to try to get it up to snuff.

I have to admit that I'm crying as I write this, because I had become so hopeless. But things are definitely looking up! Big shout outs to Amy C for all your help and suggestions! Especially a big thank you for suggesting Breastfeeding Made Simple, as it's a great book for understanding lactation and solving breastfeeding issues!

a true fact about Story

She almost always falls asleep looking like she's ready to fight whoever tries to wake her up. She clenches her little fists and looks like she's ready to rumble.

I find this precious beyond all explanation.

breastfeeding challenges...Again?

Just got back from the pediatrician and I'm pretty stressed/bummed out. Turns out that Story has not gained a single ounce since last week, which is really troubling. The pediatrician didn't seem to be very worried, but she still asked us to come in next week for a follow-up to make sure she's gaining weight.

This first started out as a worry when we came home from the hospital and she'd lost a pound since birth. It's pretty normal to lose weight, but it was still hard to see she'd lost that much. The doctor suggested it was probably due to my c-section recovery and the percocet I was taking. She told me that I should try to stop taking it, which I did follow for a few days. Within that time, Story gained four ounces and seemed to be on the right track. However, it was at the sacrifice of finding myself in so much pain that I could barely walk. So, I started taking it again, deciding that being able to sleep and walk was important for taking care of Story.

I have to admit though that now I'm feeling terrible about Story's lack of weight gain. I know, if the pediatrician isn't really worried, it's probably fine. But still, I feel so bad. I definitely notice the difference in the two days since I've stopped taking the percocet. Story is much more alert in the daytime, she seems to be feeding better (before she'd fall asleep while feeding and I'd constantly have to wake her up... it still happens now but not as often), and she's been responding well to on-demand feeding. So, hopefully her weight will go up.

It just makes me feel like a failure to not have her gaining weight back. I feel like feeding her is my number one job right now, so it sucks that she's not climbing back up steadily. I kind of blame myself for not being tough enough to have stopped taking the percocet the first time around, but I know that's silly. Still, I feel like our society makes breastfeeding such a "natural" thing that not doing so well at it makes women feel like there's something wrong with them, like me.

I think the only thing I can do is try to remain positive and focus on keeping up our feeding routine. If we go back next week and she's not doing better, then it will probably come down to formula supplementing/pumping to supplement. Cross your fingers for us!

cheesy, but true

"You think you know how much you can possibly love another human being, then you have a child... and you don't believe how much you love this little person. It seems impossible, but it's true."

Though I've always rolled my eyes and thought it was cheesy when people said this to me, I can't argue against it now. Story is just the greatest and best thing ever. Ever ever ever.

I should note that Story has become the most enjoyable baby in the past week. She's wide awake and barely fussy, she sleeps well, she enjoys playing with both mommy and daddy. She even has favorite activities, like: staring at the curtains, eating her fists and checking stuff out. I can't wait until she gets even more active so we can play with some of the awesome toys she has.

If any of you out there are soon to be moms/recent moms and struggle with a baby, the only advice I give you is this: ditch the books. Ditch the books and ditch the well-intentioned declarations and advice from friends, family and online groups. Parent by your instinct, it won't let you down. Sure, consult doctors and other resources with questions you have, but, in the end, follow your heart. Every baby is different and you know how to parent your child. Trust me, once I stopped trying all these random "methods" for soothing and making Story happy and just paid attention to what my gut said, life has been FABULOUS!

:)

Good stuff

OK, so I've done a lot of venting and all on this blog lately, which is good for the sanity. But I don't want to make it seem like life has been one hard patch lately. There have been quite a few awesome things that have happened, so I figured I'd list them...

*Story had her first bath in the kitchen sink. Yup, she's a sink baby. I gave her the bath while daddy took pictures and she HATED every moment of it. It was really precious, though.

*Our loverly friends, Jess and Greg, gave us a swing that she adores. We put her in it last night and she swung while watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I am happy to report that she seemed entranced by this show. Thanks again Jess and Greg!

*Story has had two nights in a row sleeping in her crib, getting 3-4 hour blocks of rest and going to be fairly fuss free. We still stop in all the time to check on her (it's actually harder to not freak out when she's being so peaceful and sleepy, LOL) and pat/reassure her. But two whole nights of no screaming/wailing!

*Story played on her rainforest tummy/back play mat for quite some time today and had a blast. Though we think she was more entranced by the curtains in the dining room than the play set.

*Story had the most explosive poop ever today. OMG she was hanging out with daddy in the dining room and I could hear it while I hung out in the living room, it was THAT loud. She also seemed very happy and proud of this.

*I got to take Story on a walk around the neighborhood with Tim yesterday afternoon. It was a bit hard, as I still had some painful moments, but it felt SO GOOD to be out and about, getting fresh air. Story also really seems to like it, though the bumpy ride makes her sleepy.

There's been a lot of other awesome moments, but gushing about them all would probably annoy the heck out of you all. But I'll just say this- she is the coolest thing and I'm so glad she exists. I really can't wait until I heal more so we can go on more walks and a day trip here and there. For now, it's great to enjoy her company and get to spend a lot of lazy days on the couch with her.

so much information

I think one of the hardest things about being a new parent is all the information that gets thrown your way. It seems like there is a book for everything and a million and one approaches to parenting. I get so daunted by all of the methods and approaches to child rearing, especially since I view a lot of them as ways to make a buck off of sleep deprived, stressed out parents.

That said, in the past week I've been reading The Baby Whisperer, The Sears Book of Sleep and even Tim's Be Prepared book for dads. Though I still feel like each of them has their own style that doesn't totally fit what we're into, it's good to get some tips from each source that work and make Story happy. Those, combined with some awesome moms I know who read this blog, has definitely made a good impact on Story in the first week at home.

One of the best things that's happened already is that she seems to actually like her crib. At first, we were co-sleeping with her and we were finding it to be a bit problematic. First off, it made me really nervous to have her hanging out in our bed, especially since I have been on pain meds for the c-section. Also, she seemed to be much fussier, crankier and prone to mixing up her night and day. But whenever we'd put her in her bassinette, she'd cry non-stop. Definitely no fun.

Our pediatrician suggested establishing a firm difference between night and day by having loud tv/activity on during the day and keeping the house dark and quiet at night. She also suggested letting her CIO (cry it out) in the crib until she fell asleep. I'll admit that I'm not too keen on that, even though it was how I was raised. So, we tried putting her in her crib and using some of the soothing methods we learned in Newborn Care class (swaddling, of which Tim is AMAZING at and shushing/white noise.) Then, Tim and I turned on the monitor and visited/soothed every time she woke up or started crying. Immediately, we noticed a huge difference. She has been happily going to sleep at night, sleeping for longer stretches each time and only waking up really for feedings. She also seems SO much happier during the day, being alert and playful. I think we were both really stressing her out/keeping her up too much with our "soothing" methods of bouncing, rocking, singing, etc. every time she woke up before.

It's definitely not perfect. She's a little person who has been thrown into this bizarre world, so she still wakes and needs soothing (or I have to wake her for feedings, which is so hard to do. She looks so sweet and precious, I just want to let her sleep... but a mom's gotta do what she's gotta do.) But it's amazing how she's gone from screaming/crying in large blocks during the day to being happy and alert.

However, we'll see how long this lasts. As I've said before, this parenting stuff seems like one giant experiment, so who knows if next week she'll be a totally different baby with a whole new set of rules :)

first family photo

Taken this morning after breakfast. I'm proud to say I don't look AS high as I usually do in all my pictures. Tim and Story are naturals, of course :)

a hard day with a good ending

Warning: LONG LONG POST :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I wish I could say it was easy, happy and full of sunshine and unicorns. Instead, it was full of doctor's appointments, rushing around, lots of pain, discomfort, a screaming baby and a breakdown on my part. But, like I said, it ended really well and there were some great breakthroughs as well.

On Thursday, I got hooked up to a Holter monitor for my heart. When having my c-section, I had a bout of ventricular tachycardia, which can be a possibly life threatening event. However, they really believe it was a random occurrence brought on by the suddenness of the surgery, my anxiety level and, in my opinion, the drugs they gave me to stop my contractions (which they told me would make my heart race like crazy...) Even though they did several rounds of tests and believe I'm fine, they wanted me to do a 24 hour monitor to make sure. This means that I had to have five electrodes and a monitor unit strapped to me for a whole day, while trying to manage a new baby and breastfeeding. On top of that, I had to write down every time I ate something, went to the bathroom, had an "extreme emotion" (laughing, crying, fright, etc.), took medication, breastfeed, drank caffeine and any other event which might be reflected in a change in heart rate. It was really rough, especially since Story kept on trying to pull out my nodes all the time while breastfeeding.

And on Thursday, Story had a rough night. She started crying at about 11pm and it went on through the morning, until about 10 a.m. with a few pauses in between. Neither Tim or I could figure out what was going on. I kept feeding her, we changed her, tried to put her down for naps and nothing worked.

So my birthday morning started out with a cranky baby and these itchy nodes on me that made life annoying. Still, I fixed Tim and I some pancakes and bacon while Story was in her bassinet, because I just needed some time to myself. Then, it was on to the pediatrician for a check up. Good news is that Story is gaining weight, which means her feedings are going well. And the pediatrician gave us some great advice about sleeping and acclimating her to night versus day. She told us to establish clearly that day = being awake: loud tv, cleaning, talking, friends/visitors, only allowing short naps for Story, etc. Night = low lights, soft tv if anything, winding down and putting story in her crib to sleep. I asked her about crying, because Story would cry the instant we put her in a crib. The pediatrician said that letting her cry is fine as long as we're sure all her needs are met... that babies need that to settle down and learn coping. We decided to give it a go.

After this appointment, we headed up to Annapolis to drop off my Holter monitor and get my prescription for UTI meds. Yup, I have a UTI. I believe I got it from the hospital, since there were a few times when my catheter bag needed to be refilled/was backed up and it took forever for a nurse to respond. On one occasion, the nurse was like, "oh no, it's draining fine," and I responded, "no, I can feel it backed up, my bladder feels like it's a strained balloon... Please dump the bag for me." Anyways, I now was dealing with c-section healing and an inflammed/painful bladder. JOY :) So, I was given meds from my ob/gyn to solve the problem, but I had to pick them up.

Upon picking them up, I found out they suspend your employee pharmacy card when you're on leave at the hospital I work at. It would have been nice if they'd let me know that. Instead, here I was with no cash, just my employee badge/card and a diaper bag. Thanks to a kind stranger, I was able to pay the $.70 for my prescriptions and get some relief. I'm so glad there are kind souls left in this world.

By this time, it's 12:30 p.m. or so and I'm starving. But we wanted to eat/be stationed at home, so we traveled back home. On the way back, we went by Trader Joe's to get me some cranberry juice and snacks, then on to the liquor store for my birthday treats- a bottle of nice red wine and some pumpkin beer. Even though I'm still on meds (though I stopped taking my percocet b/c I was disturbed with how it might effect Story), I had decided to delay my motrin so I could have a glass of wine. We got to introduce Story to our local liquor store owner, whom we adore, and he was just thrilled to see her. Then it was on to home.

Next commences hours of screaming baby, episodes of "it hurts when I pee," and extremely exhausted Tim and Brooke trying to cope. Because of stopping my percocet, I was in so much pain from my incision and the UTI. Delaying the motrin didn't help either. And I was on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep, so the world was foggy and horrible. Around 4p.m. I had an extreme breakdown. I couldn't stop crying because I felt like I was the third wheel in our family- Story seemed to be so much happier with Tim than me, I was just a set of milk bags who had no idea how to comfort her, I was unable to do so many basic things still because of my healing, I couldn't sleep through her wailing in her co-sleeper and I just felt like everyone would be better off without me. I admitted to tim that I felt so stressed that I felt like I was letting him and Story down.

He immediately told me to go take a nap while he took story on a walk around the neighborhood. He told me that my feelings were totally normal and expected: it was a combination of hormones and baby blues, that I was doing so much better than I thought and that neither of them were let down. He reminded me that Story sometimes will only calm down for me, that I am great at feeding and taking care of her, that I help support him by constantly telling him how wonderful he's doing. He also reminded me that being in a lot of pain makes every task that much harder. That keeping my calm is that much harder because I'm dealing with healing and pain management as well. It made me feel a lot better, though I still cried myself to sleep once they left.

Once dinner rolled around, about 7ish, we decided it was time to put Story in her crib and take a stab at acclimating her to night versus day. It was hard to hear her cry through the monitor, but it only lasted about 30 minutes before we heard her calm down and then it was quiet. She was actually sleeping! We both couldn't believe it. Even though she would only do it in a few hour spurts, she was beginning to get used to her crib! It was the first good turn of the night. Then, we started getting Trick or Treaters. Watching Tim's delight at giving them candy was awesome. It was also great to imagine next year, when I can take our little Story around for first Trick or Treating! I had my glass of wine and started to chill out a bit.

But I was still in so much pain. I could barely get up and down the stairs because of delaying my motrin. Tim finally looked at me and said, "you HAVE to start taking the percocet again, Brooke. I know you don't want to, but you've been so stressed and in so much pain since you stopped that you're breaking down and that's not good for any of us. Your ob/gyn gave you this on purpose, because it's better to manage your pain and be able to be a good mom than to deny medication and be miserable." I finally gave in and it was the best choice. Within an hour, I was feeling so much better and was totally unphased by Story's crying and could deal with her with compassion and kindness, instead of crying and self-blaming. I don't want to take these for too long, but at least for the next week like they suggested.

So, the night did end on a good note. Story slept in several 4 hour blocks through the night, she's happy and alert today, I've finally mastered cluster feeding and I feel refreshed and pain-free. I don't know if this will last, as it seems every time we have a pattern established with Story she changes it up, but I hope so! I feel like I made it through a really rough patch though and was able to learn some really good lessons about myself- I can't ignore doctor's orders because I think I should be some superwoman who can just live with pain. That doesn't make me a better wife or mother. And I have to be able to put Story in her crib and walk away sometimes. Monitors exist for a reason. And maybe what she needs is some alone time to decompress.