i resolve

My full list of resolutions can be found on my "other blog" by visiting the link in the left navigation portion of this page... but as far as my Mommy Resolutions,

I resolve:

1) To not give up on Story, Tim or myself, no matter what obstacles I face. Walking away to catch a breath is one thing, but I'll always jump back in the fray.

2) To try to enjoy every little minute with Story that I can. She's already growing up so quickly and I want to live in the moment.

3) To be easier on myself. I don't have to be perfect all of the time. I'm not a terrible mother if I fail.

4) To be as healthy and happy as I can be.

5) To breastfeed Story for a full year, at least. Even if I have to supplement with formula at times, keep on breastfeeding her as much as I can.

I can honestly say that a year ago I had no clue I would have a child by this point in my life. We decided to start "trying" last January and, somehow, in my funny brain I thought it would be years before I would be a mom. But honestly, Story knew when we needed her. To bend a silly quote from the Lord of the Rings,

"A Story is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to."

Well, I'm glad you arrived in '08. Here's to the fun '09 will bring, including: sitting up on your own, eating solid foods, crawling, holding your own bottle, babbling and starting to stand and walk!

on taking our baby's temperature...

"You turn it on, you put it in her butt and wait for it to beep. It's not rocket science."

Said to Tim when he asked me just how to use the rectal thermometer on Story.

first fever

Story has been feeling a bit warm to me today, so I finally ponied up and took her temperature. She has a 100.7 fever :( Called the pediatrician and she said to administer tylenol and keep an eye on her.

I am so nervous and scaredn. I know this is only the first of many, but it's scary nonetheless. She's so listless and obviously cranky/grumpy. My nerves are totally on edge.

I just want her to be all better :(

vaccinated!

Story had her first rounds of vaccinations today. It was really scary and rough to watch her go through the four shots (OK...I had to cover my eyes while tim watched. I'm a real wuss.) I strongly believe in vaccination, though, so I feel that it's all for the best.

It's interesting that, due to all of the vaccination outcries by ridiculous people like Jenny McCarthy, our pediatrician went into extreme details about what each disease that we're vaccinating against does to people and why these vaccinations are necessary. Listening to the sympotms of polio, tetanus and the like, I found myself imagining those symptoms happening to Story and it just tore me up. Scary stuff.

I found myself crying afterwards, but not for Story and fear of what she was going through. I was crying thinking about all of the children NOT being vaccinated.

(steps onto soapbox)

The recent anti-vaccination movement really scares me. Though a part of me says, "eh... not my kid. Every parent has the right to their own methods and choices concerning their child's well-being," another part of me says, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" The fact that a whole bunch of parents are refusing to vaccinate their children based on unfounded links between vaccinations and autism is so unfathomable to me. I feel that these parents are so vehemently refusing vaccination because they have grown up in a time of privilege, a time when, thanks to the common use of vaccination in the U.S., they haven't had to deal with what pre-vaccination mothers endured- having one or two children in five live to adulthood, watching your child die of polio, witnessing scores of babies die of any of the diseases we now vaccinate against. Because of this, these mothers live in a sort of rebellious ignorance. One that could, in a worst-case scenario I hope doesn't happen, have these same mothers and fathers who are currently "speaking out against vaccination" on television watching their child die of a measles outbreak or other illness due to their actions.

The compassionate side of me tries to understand Jenny McCarth and other mothers of autistic children who jump to point the finger at vaccinations for their child's condition. As a parent, I have already found myself wondering if every time Story is upset, has tummy pain, hasn't gained weight correctly or gone through some other road bump it's because of me or something I did to her unwittingly. In that aspect, I can understand parents of autistic children wanting someone to blame and vaccinations are an easy scapegoat. Now, I'm not an autism scholar. I'm only a parent who has done resarch and has satisfied my own conscience to the belief that there is still no concrete evidence that shows vaccines cause autism.

Our pediatrician said something that really shook me up at our first interview. When talking with us about how her practice vaccinates all of their patients and explaining to us why, I pointed out how I was 100 percent pro-vaccination and was a bit worried about the increasing numbers of people not vaccinating their children. To this, she replied,

"Well, sadly, it'll only take one mass outbreak of measles in California or Colorado, where parents are refusing to vaccinate in large numbers, and a bunch of children dying to stop this trend."

And the thing that freaks me out is that she's right. God I hope it doesn't happen. But seriously? It's scary.

Anyways, VACCINATE YO KIDZ!

(steps down from soapbox)

Now several hours post-vaccination, Story is totally happy and vocal, smiling and talking to me while hanging out in her boppy. She's still got her cute little band-aids over her shot areas, but she doesn't seem at all affected by the vaccines. I worry about her having a fever, being cranky or fussy and unhappy from the after effects of the vaccines... but you know what? It's nothing compared to what she could go through if I refused to give them to her.

OK, gotta go hang out and shriek/coo with my daughterling!

dress mischief managed

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Oh, husband!

Holiday season means awesome parties and the chance to dress up and actually have adult conversation. This week, I have my own work Christmas party and the hubby's parties to go to. I feel so lucky to have found help watching Story for these events. However, there is a little snag w/ the hubby's party.

ME: I have to figure out what to wear this weekend for the party.
HUBBY: You can wear your Gala dress.
ME: Uh, no I can't. I wouldn't fit into it. And it's a bit dressy anyways. It's a black tie dress.
HUBBY: The party is black tie. And you'd totally fit into it.
ME: What? You didn't mention that! And no, I am still 30 lbs away from fitting into that dress.
HUBBY: They don't really mean it.
ME: Was it on the invitation?
HUBBY: Yeah. But I'm sure you can just wear something dressy.

That's boys for you. Bless him for thinking I look just as I did pre-baby, but there is NO WAY I'm going to fit into that dress. So, off to Le Target today to fing an affordable dress and cute shoes. Thanks to hubby's parents who are watching Story.

Life is Bliss, Life is Weird

Behold a Day in the Life of Me

6-6:30 a.m.- Story has her first morning feeding, falls back asleep
7:00 a.m.- Wake up, have breakfast, shower and pump while Tim watches Story.
7:30 a.m.- Tim wakes up. I wrap up whatever "Me Time" activity I'm engaged in and get ready for the work day.
8:30 a.m.- Tim leaves for work. Story and I settle in for our day together.
8:30-11:30 a.m.- Thus starts Story's main eating block, so we hunker down for some TV and "one handed blogging" time. TV usually consists of: What Not to Wear, CSI, Food Network, TLC Baby Shows, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Dexter, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and anything else I find on TV that amuses me. During this time, I am also juggling feeding Story at least 2 times if not more, making sure I have healthy snacks handy, drinking tons of water, pumping when I can and changing tons of diapers. Also, Story has a "Morning Coos/Gurgles of Happiness Rock Block" of fifteen minutes or so that occurs at some point in this time.
11:30ish- Have One Handed Lunch. Usually soup, pre-mixed salad, leftovers, a sandwich... pretty much whatever I can wrangle with Story in a sling. Try to convince Story that her musical Rainforst Swing is the best thing ever and that she should hang out in it for 10-15 minutes before freaking out so I can have lunch unfettered. Sometimes it works (thanks so so much Jess! She's finally taking to it.)
Noon-1:30ish: Feed Story again and surf the intarwebz until Story starts to yawn/show sleep signs.
1:30-2:30/3p.m.- Story and I nap in bed with the kitties. They always look vaguely put-off to see us come up and join them in their quiet sanctuary.
3 p.m.-4 p.m.- Walkies/exercise/outings to the store.
4 p.m.-6:30 p.m.- "Unhappy Hour" starts, aka a fussy time of day for Story. I wait desperately for Tim to come home so I can pass her off and clean/make dinner/get a bath/go to Yoga/Whatever the heck I can do to get a moment to myself.
7:00 p.m.- Dinner. Usually consisting of either me feeding Story while eating or Tim feeding her while eating.
8:00 p.m.- CooFest, starring Story. She has really taken to talking a bunch to me at this time each night and smiling like crazy. I live for 8 p.m.
8:30 p.m.- 10:30 p.m.- Tim, Story and I watch a movie, or talk and hang out, or do chores, or watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until we're all sleepy.
10:30 p.m.- Tim swaddles Story (he's the best at it.) Story and I go upstairs to bed, where I read her a fabulous bedtime story (either Entertainment Weekly, The Book of Vice: Very Naught Things and How to Do Them or The Giving Tree) while she eats and falls asleep.
11 p.m.- 6:30 a.m.- Sleep fitfully on our badly busted bed (caving in the middle, but no fear! We have a new one being delivered Saturday. THANK GOODNESS for amazing Grandma Wesemeyer and her generous Christmas gift!), with Story waking anywhere from 1-3 times for feeding, depending on whether she's growth spurting or not.

rinse, repeat. No, it's not really as structured as it sounds, either, as there's always room for a little spontaneity on either Story/my part. Sometimes, we completely throw off all sanity and go out for social calls with Grandma Suze, Nana or have lovely callers stop by to do lunch or hangouts.

It's really a lovely life, if not a bit hectic. Whoever thinks that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't a full time job, consider this: at least working professionals get breaks to eat, go to the bathroom alone and can leave after approximately 8.5 hours or so. Still, I get the benefit of having an awesome coworker who enjoys a good mid-day nap as much as I do.

Which brings me to another thought...

I realized while at an awesome cookie party on Sunday that a lot of this blog makes it sound like I am constantly stressed out/freaked out about being a mom. While that is definitely a truth part of the time, for the most part it's not. I really think that having Story has been the single awesomest thing that has ever happened to me. And spending my days with her lately has been a welcome challenge and an amazing blessing.

I think I post a lot of my struggles and trepidations because I feel like it's important for me to vent about them and seek solace in other moms I know. It is, in some funny way, my tapping into the Mommy Brain Trust out there and checking out some wisdom to help with the hard parts. I also post about the rough times because I hope some of the solutions I've gone through could help other moms I'm friends with, or at least give them comfort in knowing they're not alone. In some of my darkest moments, it helped to have other moms out there that I knew who blogged and were honest about their own struggles, as it helped me not to feel like the Worst Mom Ever 2008. So I hope my honesty helps pay some of that good karma back.

Ok, enough for now. Time to go spend the last few minutes before bed buying Tim his last present. Story, that lucky gal, is getting... wait for it... MORE CLOTH DIAPERS! YAY! Seriously though, I'm going to wrap some of them up so she has something to open :)

this blog is a changin!

I've realized lately that Story really isn't a larva at all anymore, hence I will be changing the name of this blog in the next day or two.

The new blog address will be storyslife.blogspot.com.

I'll try to hold onto the other address to redirect here for a bit, but please uodate your bookmarks!

Dream Dinners update

So, we've been doing Dream Dinners for several months now and I have to say that it has been a pretty good experience on the whole. A lot of the meals have been super tasty and easy to prepare. It's also saved us a bit of cash, which is great in these leaner times. Seriously, some of the meals (like their crab pinwheels and stuffed shells) have been smack-yo-mama good! I have received may high fives from the hubby.

The only downsides have been that just as some of the meals have been stellar, some have been pretty bad AND the cook time on a lot of the meals we've had lately don't make it a convenience for us (a lot of th emeals we first found had only 10-20 minute cook times, now we're finding most have 50 minute plus cook times.) Not only are we talking bad taste-wise, but quality wise as well. Two that come to mind are their citrus tilapia (which has turned us off from getting fish dishes in the future) which tasted way too fishy and bland and the pork paprika, which was watery and downright gross.

Because of this, we will probably cut back our meals in the future and be choosier about getting dishes we've tried and liked. That means going back to meal planning/buying more groceries, but I'm actually a bit excited by it. I think we'll still try to do Dream Dinners for the next few months during the weeknights, but I'm getting to a point where Tim and I can manage cooking on the weekend.

Plus, cooking is actually really stress relieving for me and I miss putting dinners together from scratch.

I'd still recommend a service like Dream Dinners to anyone trying to save some time and money on meals (especially new parents.) But I kind of can't wait to cut down on them a bit.

brilliant, just brilliant

This is just amazing. The Cure as baby music? It's sooooooooo pretty. I really thought it would be cheesy as all hell, but then the hubby and I heard some of them on this wonderful documentary, Goth Cruise, last night (a very good documentary, for those of you with Comcast. It's under the IFC Free movies.)

It makes my inner goth squeeeeeeee with happiness. And it's just so dreamy and nice. I totally plan on playing it while Story and I nap today.

PS- Thanks to all of you for your support with my milk issues :) You rock. I think that women in our culture are made to feel so responsible for every little thing we can or can't do for our babies, it's just unfair. But whatever happens with Story, I'm proud I've already made it this far. My goal is six months at least, a year plus if I can manage. We'll see.

More Breastmilk Woes/Worries

It's freaky for me to realize I only have about 5 weeks left before I go back to work. That means only five weeks to establish a good stash of breastmilk to feed Story during the day while she's in daycare. I'm pumping as much as I can get in, when she's not eating like a crazy monster...

But there's a problem. I still have low supply. I've done everything I've felt I can to increase my supply and, though I definitely have enough to feed Story every few hours, I still only get about 4oz tops at a time when I pump. And that is only at peak pumping/supply times. I usually get about 1-2 ounces on average.

I feel like I've tried everything to get to the level that other gals I read about are at. Women on my baby boards talk about getting 8 oz or so per pumping session and I just feel so worthless. I know, it's crazy to feel worthless because I make less milk, but there ya go. I do. And I've tried so desperately to raise my output- drinking Mother's Milk teas, taking multivitamins, pumping more, anything I can do to up the ante. And though I saw some rise, I seem to have hit my plateau.

Which leaves me conflicted. If I keep on pumping religiously before I go back to work, I'll probably have enough of a stash to get Story through the first couple of weeks, up to the first month at most. I wanted to continue to exclusively breastfeed her, but I'm worried I just won't have enough stashed to be able to do that.

I've resolved myself to try as hard as I can and, if I can't make enough milk to keep up, I may consider supplimenting with formula. I don't think there's any shame in supplimenting with formula, nor do I have issues with moms that exclusively use formula. I just feel like a failure, again, for not producing as much as other women. I want so badly to only breastfeed Story, it just hurts to think I won't be able to keep it up when I go back to work.

Sigh.. off to pump again. In the meantime, I still have more wacky home remedies to try out to increase milk supply... oatmeal, anyone?

speaking of nursing covers... BRILLIANT GIZMO

I was just searching etsy for nursing covers when I found this:



nursing clips from modestmilk. turns any blanket you own into a nursing cover! And it's uber affordable!

mom = mark?

Since becoming a mom, I've discovered a lot of great inventions that have made my life easier. I've also discovered a ton of "must have" items that are total scams. I get so annoyed at what are, to me, over-priced items created to make money off of flustered, nervous new moms.

Case-in-point, nursing covers. I'm in the market for one because I find there are times I want to breastfeed Story in public and block out stimuli so she can chill out. I just checked out a brand name one and they want $45 for what amounts to no more than a cheapo rectangle of fabric with a couple of ties for your neck to keep it on. Literally, like five bucks or so worth of fabric and minimal sewing skills.

Yeah, I get that you pay for convenience, but come on! That kind of mark-up is crazy. And I see it all the time: baby wraps, nursing clothes/bras, diaper bags... And there's this odd undertone that if you don't buy these things, you're a bad mom. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Well, all I can say is thanks for etsy.com. I've found all these items on there for half the price or less. And just as good if not better quality.

But seriously...I'm a mom, not a mark!

baby soothing is weird

I spoke too soon yesterday, as the rest of my day took a bad u-turn into fussy babyville. Story was nursing what felt like 24-7, with only maybe half an hour to an hour between feedings. Every time I put her down for a nap, she started wailing and was generally pissed. Even when I tried to put her down so I could take a moment to myself, to try and do a little yoga or hell, eat once in a while, she started bawling and screaming bloody murder.

I found myself breaking down and crying at multiple moments yesterday, begging Story to stop crying and pleading her at the end of each nursing to chill out and let me please please please get something to eat. Nope, she was not having it. This made me even more exhausted, upset and, at times, angry. Though the very real, adult part of my brain said, "she can't help it, she's a baby," there was the emotionally and physically drained part of me that found myself getting so annoyed with her and angry at myself for not being able to soothe her. At these times, I put her in her pack n play and did some deep breathing for a moment or two until I felt better.

I will again reiterate that I think parenting an infant is an amazing strength and character builder, it makes you a superparent. I've had to meet so many challenges with very little sleep and complete ignorance of how to solve the problem and, though at times I've felt like I can't do this, that I'm the worst parent on the planet, I've found that Story and I can figure this stuff out in the end. All I've needed to do was take a step back, breathe and allow myself to break down once in a while. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to know how to solve everything off the bat. It feels like I should be perfect, but I'm allowed to feel defeated once in a while, as long as I collect myself and jump back into the fray.

Now, in retrospect I think there were a few possible reasons for why Story was in such a terrible mood yesterday.

1) She's hit the 6 week growth spurt and is eating like crazy in order to grow.
2) I ate REALLY spicy tuna sushi for the first time in a long time and it went through my milk and upset her tummy and tastebuds (I already had a day like yesterday a week or so ago because I ate really spicy salsa.)
3) I was trying to do too much on my first day alone. I kept trying to constantly pump between feedings to increase my supply more, clean up the house a bit and do some knitting.

Whatever reason she was upset, today seems to be going better. She's still been ravenous, but she's also been happy and fun to deal with. I already resolved myself to get very little done today, besides some grocery shopping as a mental health outing (new moms NEED to get out once a day if they can, in my opinion. It helps you break free of your mommy-bubble of a house and interact with actual speaking humans...), but besides that I plan on being lazy and feeding Story as much as she needs it, no worries about pumping or anything else.

Now, to address the title of this post...

In order to feed S and continue to pump, I tried out the wacky idea of feeding her on one breast and pumping the other at the same time. What resulted was the most amusing thing I've seen in a long time.

As soon as the pump starts going, S goes from being awake and engaged to heavy-lidded, lethargic and sleepy. The sound of the pump put her to sleep! No kidding! She completely conked out! She then woke up when I turned it off, so I put her on her boppy and turned it on again. The result? You got it, totally sleepy baby!

She is currently in her pack-n-play and taking a nap, which is AMAZING. It's so funny what works at soothing babies. Seriously, they are the BEST science experiment ever!

Ok, off to do Yoga while she's still sleeping :)

too much fun

Story spent about 1/2 hour this morning just cooing and smiling at me. I put her on her Boppy pillow (which she usually hates) and she just smiled and smiled at me, interjecting "hunh"s and "aaah"s of joy. It was AMAZING. She was so happy and animated, like I've never seen before. She started it when Daddy came down to leave for work and just kept on going until she got hungry. Just fabulous.

It's like every day she gets more and more of a personality. It's just so awesome! Yay for fabulous baby!

Today is my first full day on my own since Tim went back to work. Though he went back last Wednesday, I spent all the days he was at work with family for the holidays, so I had tons of help and support. But today, I am all on my own for the first full, straight day.

I plan to spend the day lazing about, making some important phone calls regarding medical bills and such and POSSIBLY getting some knitting done, we'll see. After the last few people-filled days, I think both Story and I need a quiet day at home.