ups and downs

I'm feeling like a caged bird lately. I've gotten to that big stage of pregnancy and it's making me feel all sorts of restless and burdensome. I want to go out, be social, enjoy the fall weather that's rolling in and make the best of the last few weeks I have of being pregnant. But instead I find myself being unable to go on walks for more than 1/2 hour before the back pain kicks in, feeling tired and grumpy again and feeling lonely. I don't really have anyone in my friend circle that is having a baby right now, so I don't have a comrade to talk to. I can't do the things I normally love to do in fall: go on long walks with the hubby, buy sweaters and fall boots, drink spicy mulled spiked cider and red wine or be out and about, enjoying the crisp, clean air. Instead, I feel like a cloistered wife whose seen WAY too much of the insides of her own home lately.

That, paired with the fact that my beloved cat died last week (hit by a car) and that I found out one of my close family members has Parkinson's and is on the decline means that I'm feeling depressed, angry, helpless and exhausted. This fall is already starting off so rough, when it should be a time of happiness and excitement over the daughterling. Instead, I feel restless and desperate for change.

I also feel like all of these things combined make me question everything. I feel scared again that I'll suck as a parent. I'm worried that I can't even manage my own life (lord I have to use a carabiner for my keys or I'd lose them all the time), let alone this little person that will depend on me. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing or cursing too much or just not being good enough to do everything right. I'm scared I won't know what to do when the baby comes or that I'll be so full of cabin fever that I'll be miserable on maternity leave.

Hell,I'm scared of getting her out!

Now, not to be a Negative Nancy or anything... there are some good things going on. Like the fact that the nursery is pretty much set up and I'm feeling good about bringing her home. Actually, I find myself sitting in the empty nursery all the time, smiling to myself like a dork. Because I just imagine her there, imagine what life will be like with her here and it's so exciting. I also imagine taking her out for walks and visits, watching her grow and listening to the crazy noises she'll make. I imagine spending fall with her, walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the holidays and seeing what she really looks like. I swear, having a kid is like knowing you got the best X-mas gift in the world, ever, under the tree and you're not allowed to open it for MONTHS. It's that good and frustrating and awesome.

I just feel like I'm treading water right now. I know it'll pass and all will be well, but it's so hard, this last month of waiting. I'm so ansy and just ready for her to be here. I know it'll come soon enough, but I've always been too impatient for my own good.