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Finding the balance between being a mother and being an individual being has been a trying task. I'm sure that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be the most devoted, loving parent possible AND still retain the part of me that is Brooke. In the time since Story was born, I have had to evaluate my entire life, not only in its day-to-day processes but my passions and interests as well. Everything is a gamble with time. How do I juggle being a mother, a good wife, a career professional and a fit/sane person?

I'm not sure I've figured that out yet. But I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The first few months after Story was born were spent in a depressed funk about myself. I felt like a fat, old, boring, sleep-deprived zombie, a girl who had no clue what she was doing or how to handle the mess she'd gotten herself into. My hair was ugly, I barely got to shower every day and I usually was covered in milk and smelled like baby. All of my clothes were frumpy, around-the-house deals, meant to conceal the bizarre body changes that pregnancy brings. I was a size 24/26 wreck who could barely walk one block around the neighborhood without getting winded. Where was the girl who could do 20 minute plus dance sets without blinking? What happened to the me that did yoga, that ran, that enjoyed knitting, movies, would run to the city to visit friends on a whim or could go shopping and actually enjoy herself?

The fact of the matter was that I lost Me for a while to become Mom. And it was a wonderful trade, fully worth it. But, as Story grows and becomes more of an individual, I'm finding myself finally being able to grab some of my old turf back.

To back up for a second, the first step in liberation was to completely stop everything I did that didn't involve parenting, working or being a wife. This sounds totally against all sense or reason, giving up all of the things that made me Brooke, but it's exactly what was needed. Because holding onto dance, yoga, crafting, vanity, all of it was just making me that much more depressed when I couldn't do them. I was constantly feeling under the gun, and worse, like an underachiever. Every time I missed a dance practice, missed a yoga class, forgot to work on a craft project, I just felt like a total loser, a bum.

So, I gave it all up. I have put myself on a dance hiatus, have stopped signing up for regular classes, have put all of my projects away for another time and have gotten back to basics in my life. And I must say that there is truth in the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. By giving up everything, I have found the peace and balance (or as much as I can be balanced right now) to evaluate what is important to me, what is worth doing and what is doable.

The end result is that I'm finding myself feeling much more satisfied and empowered with my life and discovering old and new passions again. I first prioritized my body as being my main passion- getting back into shape, eating well, sleeping as much as I can, challenging myself. I started by counting calories, becoming more in control of what I eat. Then, I added in exercise- first a little dance and yoga, then running and Wii Active. I've started demanding 1/2 hour, 5 days a week for fitness (and Tim has been nice enough to support me). I then started going to sleep earlier, when I can, trying to get more than 4 hours a night. All of this has added up to make me a happier, saner Brooke.