My life has such irony at times, it kills me. I feel like I'm wonderful at telling my friends and family to stop carrying around so much stress, that stress is harmful to the body. I can sit down, listen to their fears and give advice on sleep, yoga, meditation and such, but I can't seem to take my own medicine.
I've been a stress ball lately. I'm stressed because I feel un-pregnant, if that makes sense. Now that I'm in the second trimester and am past most of the sickness and fatigue (still have some heartburn and nausea once in a while), I don't have any of the hard, physical evidence of being pregnant. Not unless you count my lack of fitting into any of my pants anymore, which is something, I guess. Seriously, I know it's crazy to complain about feeling ok, but I just feel so nervous that everything isn't going well. Why? Probably my past miscarriage PTSD mixed with my general trait of being a worry-wort. I know it doesn't really make sense, but that doesn't mean I'm being practical about it. I'm just a ball o stress for no apparent reason.
Last night at yoga, my teacher gave this great speech on fear. It was started off by a reading from "The Daily OM" and then progressed into her own talk about what we go through as women with pregnancy. She emphasized how it's totally normal to go from being elated to terrified, unsure about yourself to feeling like a superwoman. I just wish I felt a little more like a superwoman than a super-wuss lately.
Just had another doc appointment this morning, for which I was nervous as sin. Why? No reason, really. Just my run-of-the-mill fear. Everything went well, of course and I even got to hear the heartbeat again.
Best thing ever about today was having the doc search for the heartbeat, find it, only to have the baby move to evade the doppler. The doc kept making funny remarks like, "your baby sure is active!" and "your kid is a prankster! It's avoiding me on purpose!" It made me smile a lot to think of having an asshole kid already.
When I told my mom about it, she replied, "uh-huh. See! It's already not listening to a word you say."
It was the perfect response. I am back to smiling now and dreaming of loose-fitting maternity pants.
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