gifts from hard times

Tim came home last night with a large bag full of amazing, all new and never used gifts from a co-worker: tons of cute pink and bunny-ladened footsie onesies for 0-6 month babies, a cozy fleece sleeper set, cute knit hats, teething toys, a feeding/bowl set and some other goodies (I'll post a Flickr picture of the lot in a few days.) As I removed each piece, I kept feeling so blessed to have such caring, giving people around us. I also felt the giddiness of imagining that in less than three months we'll have a little daughterling to fill all these clothes.

The only bittersweet part is how we came to have them. This co-worker's good friend was expecting a girl and ended up having a miscarriage. So, she's held onto all this stuff for a long time, unable to donate or throw it away. Then, when she heard we were expecting a girl, she saw it as the right time to pass them along.

This is not the first round of gifts we've received due to another's misfortune. And though I feel so honored to have people pass along these items, these little things that used to be attached to their own thread of promise and memories to come, it's a bit hard. Because looking at them makes me realize how nothing is a given, how everything can change at a split second and how having a child is one of the biggest acts of faith a person can take on.

Before I had my miscarriage, I thought that babies were this thing you just had, that they were easy to come by, for most people and once you got preggo, BOOM... you have a baby. But after my experience, I realized that every one of us living and breathing on this earth had to go through so many tiny obstacles, so many chances of everything going wrong, that we really are miracles. That's cheesy, I know, but it's true. We all went through the challenge course of possible birth defects, malformation, exposure to illnesses that could cause miscarriages, preterm labor, leaking of fluid, stillbirth and all the other myriad issues that cause children to not be born into this world as expected.

And I know all those things are morbid. Sorry for the buzzkill. But actually, I see them as a big positive as well. If you are here on this Earth, right now, it's because a lot of little things aligned to get you here safely, a lot of chance, a lot of faith. Whether you believe in anything or not, you're here and that's amazing.

Holding these gifts from hard times, I feel a sense of power. I have been in those depths of loss and regret and I am emerging to have a healthy daughter. I don't know how I know it, but I just do. This time, I feel that things will be different. All has gone well up to this point, minus a scare or two. But when she does get here, she can rest assured knowing that, unlike some people in this world, she was hoped for, battled for and supported by the good energy and well wishes of a community of people. And that rocks.