Growing Up

It's been forever since I've updated. I guess that's what happens when you're busy living life.

Story is almost one now. I really seriously don't even know how to go about digesting that. ALMOST A YEAR OLD. Seriously??!! Where did the time go? How did this happen? I just sent out a bunch of invitations for her birthday and couldn't believe that I was actually sending them.

On that note, Story has gone through some major growth lately. She has been a learning fiend! So far, she can:

crawl like a pro
babble (and say a few words, like Mama, Dada, NO, Stop, Oh Wait, Nana)
pull herself up
stand for 2-3 seconds at a time
navigate from one piece of furniture to another
feed herself (not with a spoon yet)
clap
wave
play practical jokes (aka... licking your face, toe, anything to get a reaction)
hug
zerbert

And she's one ravenous, solid food eating machine. She's SO DONE with cereals and blended foods. She's currently a fan of:

pork anything (carnitas, ribs w/bbq, bacon)
chicken (she LOVES chicken of all sorts)
yogurt
goldfish/snacks
steak
potatoes
bruschetta
steamed veggies
pie
guacamole (kicked up, with tabasco)
corn

pretty much you name it, she'll eat it. And if you're eating it, she'll crawl over to you, climb up you and let you know that she would like some too, thankyouverymuch.

It's really exciting and wonderful. It's also kind of frightening to realize that if one year could go by so quickly, the rest of her childhood could be gone in a blink.

Back To Mine

X Posted in my other blog

Finding the balance between being a mother and being an individual being has been a trying task. I'm sure that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be the most devoted, loving parent possible AND still retain the part of me that is Brooke. In the time since Story was born, I have had to evaluate my entire life, not only in its day-to-day processes but my passions and interests as well. Everything is a gamble with time. How do I juggle being a mother, a good wife, a career professional and a fit/sane person?

I'm not sure I've figured that out yet. But I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The first few months after Story was born were spent in a depressed funk about myself. I felt like a fat, old, boring, sleep-deprived zombie, a girl who had no clue what she was doing or how to handle the mess she'd gotten herself into. My hair was ugly, I barely got to shower every day and I usually was covered in milk and smelled like baby. All of my clothes were frumpy, around-the-house deals, meant to conceal the bizarre body changes that pregnancy brings. I was a size 24/26 wreck who could barely walk one block around the neighborhood without getting winded. Where was the girl who could do 20 minute plus dance sets without blinking? What happened to the me that did yoga, that ran, that enjoyed knitting, movies, would run to the city to visit friends on a whim or could go shopping and actually enjoy herself?

The fact of the matter was that I lost Me for a while to become Mom. And it was a wonderful trade, fully worth it. But, as Story grows and becomes more of an individual, I'm finding myself finally being able to grab some of my old turf back.

To back up for a second, the first step in liberation was to completely stop everything I did that didn't involve parenting, working or being a wife. This sounds totally against all sense or reason, giving up all of the things that made me Brooke, but it's exactly what was needed. Because holding onto dance, yoga, crafting, vanity, all of it was just making me that much more depressed when I couldn't do them. I was constantly feeling under the gun, and worse, like an underachiever. Every time I missed a dance practice, missed a yoga class, forgot to work on a craft project, I just felt like a total loser, a bum.

So, I gave it all up. I have put myself on a dance hiatus, have stopped signing up for regular classes, have put all of my projects away for another time and have gotten back to basics in my life. And I must say that there is truth in the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. By giving up everything, I have found the peace and balance (or as much as I can be balanced right now) to evaluate what is important to me, what is worth doing and what is doable.

The end result is that I'm finding myself feeling much more satisfied and empowered with my life and discovering old and new passions again. I first prioritized my body as being my main passion- getting back into shape, eating well, sleeping as much as I can, challenging myself. I started by counting calories, becoming more in control of what I eat. Then, I added in exercise- first a little dance and yoga, then running and Wii Active. I've started demanding 1/2 hour, 5 days a week for fitness (and Tim has been nice enough to support me). I then started going to sleep earlier, when I can, trying to get more than 4 hours a night. All of this has added up to make me a happier, saner Brooke.

Made it to almost 7 months!

Well, it was a good 7 months worth of trying, but I've decided to give one final go this weekend, then I'm finally throwing in the breastfeeding towel. Story has weened herself (yes, you read that right. She's started refusing to nurse besides for comfort and will only take bottles besides) and I'm down to getting a whopping 1-3 ounces per day pumping (4-5 sessions). I've tried it all- supplements, oatmeal, old wives tricks, more pumping, less pumping. And in the end, it's just time to face the fact that my time breastfeeding miss lady might be done.

I'm really proud I made it this far and a little disappointed I can't hold out for a full year. I really wanted to make it a year, but, honestly, I'm not holding out hope. I've already done so many crazy things to keep it going, but my final straw is the fact that Story herself has decided that it's obsolete. Ever since she stopped feeding, my supply has seriously tanked.

So, I figure I'll try all I can to get her to feed this weekend, but if she refuses, I'll resign myself and put away my pumping gear. The amount I'm getting for all this effort is foolish, especially when she's almost totally formula and solid food fed now.

But still, bummer.

Oh well, everything ends. I just suck at not making goals I set for myself.

Grrrrrrrrreat

I just got a notice from Toys R Us that Story's crib has been recalled due to poor workmanship (the slats can break off and form a strangulation hazard). So now I am experiencing the singular joy of having to call Jardine and get instructions for returning/exchanging our crib.
This also means that we have to dismantle and get rid of the old crib, as well as haul a new one here and put it together. Gotta love it.
This, along with a teething, cranky baby makes for one fun evening.

Story's A Little Angel... almost

Visual Concepts Photography in Davidsonville, Maryland, does this fabulous thing with the hospital I work at called the Little Angels Calendar. Linda McCarthy takes awesome photos of babies and small children, then posts them in her gallery and opens up voting for the thirteen slots to fill the calendar. Votes are $1 each and a portion of the proceeds go to benefit the AAMC Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It's a really cool opportunity to take some cute pictures and do some good.

Anyways, I offered up miss Story to do a photo and the result was AWESOME. I'll admit, I kind of get creeped out by moms that dress their babies up and take photos... HOWEVER I think Linda did a wonderful job with Story and took a really precious shot.

I'll post the link when voting is up. Watch this space in the next few weeks!

A half year of Story

Miss Story turned 6 months old last week and my head is still trying to wrap itself around that fact. I'm having diametrically opposed feelings about it. On one hand, I can't believe that my baby is a half year old and will be a whole year old before I know it. On the other hand, it's like she's always been here. I can't imagine a life without her.

In honor of this milestone, here's my top ten favorite Story things that have happened since she was born:

10. When she first was discovering her sense of touch and would pet everything.

9. Sitting her down in the grass and watching her complete wonder at the outdoors.

8. The first time I saw her and I just kept kissing her funny face.

7. When I brought her home from daycare to discover she had magically learned how to hold her own bottle.

6. The amazed OMG WTF??!?! face she made when she first discovered the cats.

5. The fact that she is determined to walk and doesn't care if you think she can't, thankyouverymuch.

4. The crazy babbling she does to herself/her toys.

3. Sitting up unattended and playing.

2. Sleeping through the night.

1. Her laughing fits.

A hive of activity

Five months is the magic number. I'm convinced now that if you can make it through the first five months of your baby's life sane and relatively happy, you're golden. The first four months are so rough- your baby doesn't really respond to you emotionally, waking up every two hours at night to feed, transitioning back to working (if you so choose), only being able to breastfeed/bottle feed, the fragility of baby learning to use their body in basic ways. It's just tough stuff.

But make it through to five months and something changes. All of a sudden, your baby can have rice cereal and might, if you're lucky enough, sleep more at night. Emotions are easier to read and needs are easier to anticipate. Baby can sit up a bit, amuse themselves and is more durable (that sounds like the worst way to describe a baby, but it's true.)

Yes, life is so much better right now. Sure, the world outside is going to crap, but Story has definitely reached an "easier" plateau. And the increased amount of sleep for her and ourselves has definitely helped. I'm very excited that she can sit up in my lap now and play for most of our time together and is thoroughly enjoying tummy time. And she's a voracious eater, especially when it comes to cereal. She's just a joy and a delight to be around.

The only downside is that she's starting to refuse the breast. Mostly, because the bottle is instant gratification when compared to breastfeeding. Every time I put her on to feed lately she starts complaining, crying and screaming. I have to literally hold her on for a few minutes until my let down starts, then she chills out. Again, I'm finding myself at the edge of giving up breastfeeding. My supply dipped again (I now can barely get 6 oz after a day of pumping at work) and, with her refusing the breast, I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm still going to try to make it to a year, but I'm already proud I've made it to six months. It's already surpassing my own mother's breastfeeding record, so that makes me feel good. I'm hoping this is a phase Story is going through and that we'll be back to enjoyable feeding again soon.

On that note, the funniest thing has happened. Story has begun to recognize what milk looks like. Whenever Tim or I have a glass of milk and she sees it, she instantly starts grunting and thrusts her arms out to "beg" for it. It's really cute and makes me proud of how smart she is. On the other hand, it's dangerous to have a glass of milk anywhere near her, since she automatically things it's for her.