Story's Life

Growing Up

2009-08-24T16:02:00.003-04:00

It's been forever since I've updated. I guess that's what happens when you're busy living life.

Story is almost one now. I really seriously don't even know how to go about digesting that. ALMOST A YEAR OLD. Seriously??!! Where did the time go? How did this happen? I just sent out a bunch of invitations for her birthday and couldn't believe that I was actually sending them.

On that note, Story has gone through some major growth lately. She has been a learning fiend! So far, she can:

crawl like a pro
babble (and say a few words, like Mama, Dada, NO, Stop, Oh Wait, Nana)
pull herself up
stand for 2-3 seconds at a time
navigate from one piece of furniture to another
feed herself (not with a spoon yet)
clap
wave
play practical jokes (aka... licking your face, toe, anything to get a reaction)
hug
zerbert

And she's one ravenous, solid food eating machine. She's SO DONE with cereals and blended foods. She's currently a fan of:

pork anything (carnitas, ribs w/bbq, bacon)
chicken (she LOVES chicken of all sorts)
yogurt
goldfish/snacks
steak
potatoes
bruschetta
steamed veggies
pie
guacamole (kicked up, with tabasco)
corn

pretty much you name it, she'll eat it. And if you're eating it, she'll crawl over to you, climb up you and let you know that she would like some too, thankyouverymuch.

It's really exciting and wonderful. It's also kind of frightening to realize that if one year could go by so quickly, the rest of her childhood could be gone in a blink.

Back To Mine

2009-07-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

X Posted in my other blog

Finding the balance between being a mother and being an individual being has been a trying task. I'm sure that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be the most devoted, loving parent possible AND still retain the part of me that is Brooke. In the time since Story was born, I have had to evaluate my entire life, not only in its day-to-day processes but my passions and interests as well. Everything is a gamble with time. How do I juggle being a mother, a good wife, a career professional and a fit/sane person?

I'm not sure I've figured that out yet. But I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The first few months after Story was born were spent in a depressed funk about myself. I felt like a fat, old, boring, sleep-deprived zombie, a girl who had no clue what she was doing or how to handle the mess she'd gotten herself into. My hair was ugly, I barely got to shower every day and I usually was covered in milk and smelled like baby. All of my clothes were frumpy, around-the-house deals, meant to conceal the bizarre body changes that pregnancy brings. I was a size 24/26 wreck who could barely walk one block around the neighborhood without getting winded. Where was the girl who could do 20 minute plus dance sets without blinking? What happened to the me that did yoga, that ran, that enjoyed knitting, movies, would run to the city to visit friends on a whim or could go shopping and actually enjoy herself?

The fact of the matter was that I lost Me for a while to become Mom. And it was a wonderful trade, fully worth it. But, as Story grows and becomes more of an individual, I'm finding myself finally being able to grab some of my old turf back.

To back up for a second, the first step in liberation was to completely stop everything I did that didn't involve parenting, working or being a wife. This sounds totally against all sense or reason, giving up all of the things that made me Brooke, but it's exactly what was needed. Because holding onto dance, yoga, crafting, vanity, all of it was just making me that much more depressed when I couldn't do them. I was constantly feeling under the gun, and worse, like an underachiever. Every time I missed a dance practice, missed a yoga class, forgot to work on a craft project, I just felt like a total loser, a bum.

So, I gave it all up. I have put myself on a dance hiatus, have stopped signing up for regular classes, have put all of my projects away for another time and have gotten back to basics in my life. And I must say that there is truth in the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. By giving up everything, I have found the peace and balance (or as much as I can be balanced right now) to evaluate what is important to me, what is worth doing and what is doable.

The end result is that I'm finding myself feeling much more satisfied and empowered with my life and discovering old and new passions again. I first prioritized my body as being my main passion- getting back into shape, eating well, sleeping as much as I can, challenging myself. I started by counting calories, becoming more in control of what I eat. Then, I added in exercise- first a little dance and yoga, then running and Wii Active. I've started demanding 1/2 hour, 5 days a week for fitness (and Tim has been nice enough to support me). I then started going to sleep earlier, when I can, trying to get more than 4 hours a night. All of this has added up to make me a happier, saner Brooke.

Made it to almost 7 months!

2009-05-08T16:30:00.002-04:00

Well, it was a good 7 months worth of trying, but I've decided to give one final go this weekend, then I'm finally throwing in the breastfeeding towel. Story has weened herself (yes, you read that right. She's started refusing to nurse besides for comfort and will only take bottles besides) and I'm down to getting a whopping 1-3 ounces per day pumping (4-5 sessions). I've tried it all- supplements, oatmeal, old wives tricks, more pumping, less pumping. And in the end, it's just time to face the fact that my time breastfeeding miss lady might be done.

I'm really proud I made it this far and a little disappointed I can't hold out for a full year. I really wanted to make it a year, but, honestly, I'm not holding out hope. I've already done so many crazy things to keep it going, but my final straw is the fact that Story herself has decided that it's obsolete. Ever since she stopped feeding, my supply has seriously tanked.

So, I figure I'll try all I can to get her to feed this weekend, but if she refuses, I'll resign myself and put away my pumping gear. The amount I'm getting for all this effort is foolish, especially when she's almost totally formula and solid food fed now.

But still, bummer.

Oh well, everything ends. I just suck at not making goals I set for myself.

Grrrrrrrrreat

2009-05-04T19:27:00.003-04:00

I just got a notice from Toys R Us that Story's crib has been recalled due to poor workmanship (the slats can break off and form a strangulation hazard). So now I am experiencing the singular joy of having to call Jardine and get instructions for returning/exchanging our crib.
This also means that we have to dismantle and get rid of the old crib, as well as haul a new one here and put it together. Gotta love it.
This, along with a teething, cranky baby makes for one fun evening.

Story's A Little Angel... almost

2009-04-29T12:50:00.004-04:00

Visual Concepts Photography in Davidsonville, Maryland, does this fabulous thing with the hospital I work at called the Little Angels Calendar. Linda McCarthy takes awesome photos of babies and small children, then posts them in her gallery and opens up voting for the thirteen slots to fill the calendar. Votes are $1 each and a portion of the proceeds go to benefit the AAMC Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It's a really cool opportunity to take some cute pictures and do some good.

Anyways, I offered up miss Story to do a photo and the result was AWESOME. I'll admit, I kind of get creeped out by moms that dress their babies up and take photos... HOWEVER I think Linda did a wonderful job with Story and took a really precious shot.

I'll post the link when voting is up. Watch this space in the next few weeks!

A half year of Story

2009-04-27T06:30:00.002-04:00

Miss Story turned 6 months old last week and my head is still trying to wrap itself around that fact. I'm having diametrically opposed feelings about it. On one hand, I can't believe that my baby is a half year old and will be a whole year old before I know it. On the other hand, it's like she's always been here. I can't imagine a life without her.

In honor of this milestone, here's my top ten favorite Story things that have happened since she was born:

10. When she first was discovering her sense of touch and would pet everything.

9. Sitting her down in the grass and watching her complete wonder at the outdoors.

8. The first time I saw her and I just kept kissing her funny face.

7. When I brought her home from daycare to discover she had magically learned how to hold her own bottle.

6. The amazed OMG WTF??!?! face she made when she first discovered the cats.

5. The fact that she is determined to walk and doesn't care if you think she can't, thankyouverymuch.

4. The crazy babbling she does to herself/her toys.

3. Sitting up unattended and playing.

2. Sleeping through the night.

1. Her laughing fits.

A hive of activity

2009-04-05T19:48:00.003-04:00

Five months is the magic number. I'm convinced now that if you can make it through the first five months of your baby's life sane and relatively happy, you're golden. The first four months are so rough- your baby doesn't really respond to you emotionally, waking up every two hours at night to feed, transitioning back to working (if you so choose), only being able to breastfeed/bottle feed, the fragility of baby learning to use their body in basic ways. It's just tough stuff.

But make it through to five months and something changes. All of a sudden, your baby can have rice cereal and might, if you're lucky enough, sleep more at night. Emotions are easier to read and needs are easier to anticipate. Baby can sit up a bit, amuse themselves and is more durable (that sounds like the worst way to describe a baby, but it's true.)

Yes, life is so much better right now. Sure, the world outside is going to crap, but Story has definitely reached an "easier" plateau. And the increased amount of sleep for her and ourselves has definitely helped. I'm very excited that she can sit up in my lap now and play for most of our time together and is thoroughly enjoying tummy time. And she's a voracious eater, especially when it comes to cereal. She's just a joy and a delight to be around.

The only downside is that she's starting to refuse the breast. Mostly, because the bottle is instant gratification when compared to breastfeeding. Every time I put her on to feed lately she starts complaining, crying and screaming. I have to literally hold her on for a few minutes until my let down starts, then she chills out. Again, I'm finding myself at the edge of giving up breastfeeding. My supply dipped again (I now can barely get 6 oz after a day of pumping at work) and, with her refusing the breast, I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm still going to try to make it to a year, but I'm already proud I've made it to six months. It's already surpassing my own mother's breastfeeding record, so that makes me feel good. I'm hoping this is a phase Story is going through and that we'll be back to enjoyable feeding again soon.

On that note, the funniest thing has happened. Story has begun to recognize what milk looks like. Whenever Tim or I have a glass of milk and she sees it, she instantly starts grunting and thrusts her arms out to "beg" for it. It's really cute and makes me proud of how smart she is. On the other hand, it's dangerous to have a glass of milk anywhere near her, since she automatically things it's for her.

Makin' Baby Food!

2009-03-30T08:02:00.004-04:00

I decided while Story was in utero that I was going to try to make most of her baby food. My friend Amy C posted in her blog about a wonderful book, Top 100 Baby Purees, and I immediately bought it and started studying. I will admit that my love for cooking was already deep seeded before embarking on the journey of baby food making, so the idea of making Story's food just seemed to be a natural course of things.

I will admit that at first I was a little intimidated. Even though I know it's really basic stuff, I just felt like I would some how mess it up. I seriously had no reason to worry, however, because it's really the easiest thing ever. All you do is steam (or mash, if it's fresh fruit) the ingredients, add some water or milk and freeze in ice cube trays.

Over the past few weeks, I have made baby food in the following flavors:

*banana
*avocado
*carrot
*sweet potato
*trio of root veggies (parsnip, sweet potato and carrot)

And today I plan on making a carrot/broccoli mix. I tell ya, by the time I start giving her these in a week or so, she'll have quite a nice freezer stash of food.

Even though it's sad to see Story growing up so quickly, it's also AWESOME. The fact that I can now take her to visit family and friends for a whole day with ease is just fabulous. Sure, I could take her out and nurse her before, but it required so much focused attention all the time. Now that's she's gotten down the tricks of holding a bottle and eating mushed foods, it's like a whole new ballgame.

MRSA!

2009-03-27T18:51:00.002-04:00

Story recently got an infected hangnail that caused me to take the day off of work and go to the Pediatrician. It was so nasty and grody... poor gal. Anyways, I took her to the doctor, who squeezed the icky puss out and sent it for culturing. Meanwhile, he asked if I would like to put her on antibiotics or not and I told him most definitely. Anyways, Story is now totally fine and her finger has healed up nicely.

But the results of the culture came back and STORY HAD MRSA!!! We don't know where she got it from, only that it somehow infected her hangnail. I know she's fine and all, but it's so amazingly scary to think of. And I feel so bad, because I work in a hospital, so I'm automatically blaming myself for this one.

But the good part is that she's fine, that little missy is doing OK. But I'm totally freaked out now, of course.

Finally, I'm back!

2009-03-09T09:36:00.002-04:00

I gained a whopping 78 pounds with Story. I honestly don't regret a single minute of it, as I was able to eat as many sugary, fatty, delicious treats as I could stomach. It was fabulous! However, the body dysmorphia that followed her birth was really tough to handle.

For instance, my best friend and her hubby surprised Tim and I by cleaning our whole house and leaving little presents for us when we returned with Story from the hospital. One of those presents was a pair of pajamas and a bath robe for me. I bashfully had to admit at the time that even though the pants were an XL, there was no way I was getting them on. I could barely scooch them over my thighs and even then, there was no way they were making it up FatButt Mountain. I put them away in my drawer and said, "I AM going to fit back into them. This is just a transition body. It will happen."

Since that time, I have been eating much better (if you don't count a fatty southern breakfast here and there) and, since my hypoglycemia reared its ugly head again, I have cut out all sugars and simple carbs from my diet. I've also GASP been exercising again and attending dance rehearsal fairly regularly. I don't own a scale though, so the only clue I've had that I've been losing weight has been my post preggo clothes becoming looser and looser.

Last week, I attempted the cute pajama pants again and THEY FIT! Like, without shimmying, without wiggling or tugging. They just fit like normal. I tried not to get too excited by it, as well, maybe the fabric stretched out the first time I attempted to put them on or something. I could still be just as big. So what if my work pants are starting to fall off me, that could be the fabric stretching.

Well, this morning I went into my closet and broke out the Ominous Tupperware Tub of Pre-Pregnancy Clothes. My favorite black work pants were on top, still a bit disheveled from when I tried them on a couple of months back and locked them back away in despair. I stepped into them and pulled them up with ease. Then, in an act of utter astonishment, I buttoned and zipped them up! They fit! Cue a whole bunch of angels with trumpets and heavenly light. Hallelujah!

I can't say how happy I am right now. My day is totally made. Sure, most of my tops still don't fit due to the delightful gifts of breastfeeding, but I'll take pants fitting any day!

first cereal!

2009-02-23T10:33:00.001-05:00

and a few pictures...

Milestones!

2009-02-23T09:47:00.003-05:00

Today, I am taking the day off since it is Story's official four month baby appointment. She got weighted, measured and vaccinated today. Our little gal is in the 50th percentile for weight, 25th percentile for head size (sorry Josh, we can no longer pretend you're her real daddy... she would of had to be in the 98th percentile for that!) and 95th percentile for height. Yes, you heard me. My daughter is a GIANT. The best part is that we could her our pediatrician talking to her assistant, not really believing Story was so tall. But then she saw her and was convinced.

Besides being an AMAZING trooper for her vaccines, Story also got the green light for starting cereal! Our miss S will now be getting baby cereal in the morning and before bed. Once she's mastered eating cereal, we can move her on to stage 1 solid foods.

But first things first, I've prepared to do battle against barley cereal. Since coming home at 9 a.m., I have assembled the high chair my awesome coworkers got me and have mixed up some cereal. In a few minutes, miss S will be seated, strapped in and tasting cereal for the first time! I've got the camera poised and ready, so expect a picture and video update later on.

MAN, I AM EXCITED! eep!

Other milestones include getting the greenlight to baby proof our living room and having Story spend most of her time on the floor. The pediatrician said we should try encouraging her to sit up and play, do even more tummy time and start learning to crawl. She was also really impressed with how Story loves to stand. However, the only scary thing is tackling our MESSY living room. That's today's chore for me, I guess.

OK, off to go feed that girl!

A little cheese

2009-02-20T14:08:00.001-05:00

I was just emailing a coworker on what it's like to be a mom and I felt like I had to cut and paste it into my blog for reference...

It sounds odd, but I feel like having a child is the closest I’ve come to being obsessed with anyone. I adore her so much, no questions. I can’t get enough of her- her cute little feet, her smile, her hoots, grunts and coos. I could seriously watch her in her swing with her lovey for hours, just marveling at how awesome she is. And yea, sometimes she drives me insane and makes me so stressed out, but I still adore her. I can remember seeing my 20 week ultrasound and just being so proud of her, knowing that I already loved her more than I thought was humanly imaginable. I know it sounds cracked out, but I can remember seeing The Grinch That Stole Christmas with her this year and feeling a total association with the Grinch when he turned good- “And the Grinch’s heart grew three times that day.” That is exactly how I felt when I first saw her.

Cheesy, but true. Story is the best.thing.ever.

Actually crying over spilled milk...

2009-02-19T06:31:00.002-05:00

or forgotten milk, more like.

Every day, I wake up early and stap on my pump, so I can start the process of getting Story's milk for the next daycare day. I then sit for 20 minutes, feeling very bovine, until the timer runs out. Then, I look at my yield, calculate how many more times I'll have to pump, then try to schedule it into my work day. Repeat.

Well, work lately has been meeting central, so it's been hard for me to find time to get away to pump. Thusly, my supply and yield has dropped. So, I'm now trying even harder, taking more supplements and feeling bad about it. Add to this that I'm trying to get stuff together for a fancy dinner I have to go to for work and everything is all weird.

The idea being, you don't stray from the schedule. As a parent, the schedule is what keeps me sane.

Well, the schedule was thrown out the window last night. Firstly, because I found out that the place we make our ready-to-eat dinners at is closing. Then, I decided to try and find shoes for the event on Saturday, which was also a wash. At that point, I decided to cut my losses and just go home. Tim had flipflopped with me and picked up Story, so I had a nice, warm house, hubby and baby to get to.

And all my milk from that day? Well, usually I come home, juggling Story and go straight to the refrigerator with it. But last night was odd. I came home to the buzz of activity and my dress for the event having arrived, so I got distracted. Then, later on that night, I thought, "Don't forget to put the milk away!" But, of course, I forgot.

This morning, when getting up to pump, I found all of my milk still in the living room in my cooler pack. Ruined. There's no way in hell I can give it to Story. I opened the bag and literally started sobbing. Why? Well, because it is so hard right now for me to keep her partially breast milk fed at work. I try so hard to adhere to a schedule, drink tons of water, take supplements, anything I can do to try and get a measly 12-16oz a day. And when I do, I hate to admit it, but it IS like liquid gold. So, to leave it out all night and realize today that I've failed Story just totally sucks.

uh oh...

2009-02-02T09:22:00.002-05:00

Story has been more and more in control of her arms, hands, legs and feet as of late. This is causing her to be extremely tactile. She likes to touch my arm or hold my hand whenever possible, feel the texture of her blankets and grasp at our clothes. It's so amazing.

But it can also be trouble. Tim warned me this morning that he thinks she's discovered her privates. This was just confirmed when I went to change her. I opened up her dirty diaper and BOOM her hand went straight for her crotch. I was shocked by her speed and accuracy. GREAAAT one more thing to watch out for when changing her.

summer dreamin'

2009-01-27T22:18:00.002-05:00

In the midst of a snow and icy storm, I find myself daydreaming of visiting the beach with Story. I simply cannot wait to see her sit in the sand, wriggling her toes and grasping at it. It's going to be SO amazing.

And not to mention the fashion! Not only am I going to get a fancy pin-up bathing suit, but miss Story will need her first bathing suit as well! Of course, she'll wear it like three times, but no matter! I've already found one I love at Old Navy and it's nice and cheap, too!

There's a bunch of "UV Guard" suits at Babies R Us and, though I understand the benefits, it just reminds me way too much of the "indoor kids." They were basically full bodysuits for babies, which just seems way too restrictive for me. Yes, I understand that UV protection is important, but I'll do that with lots of sunscreen. She needs to feel the sea air on her skin!

Sigh, only a few short months and we'll be past the freezing cold.

one week back

2009-01-25T17:12:00.003-05:00

I've been back at work for approximately one week now and things are going pretty well. I'm finding that life is pretty darned hectic and I do miss being with Story all day long, but thems are the breaks. Having to work, due to all sorts of big, adult responsibilities I have make me have no choice but to suck-it-up and go back, even though there are times I really wish we had the money for me to be a stay at home. But whatever, there are perks, too. For starters, I appreciate Story SO MUCH more now that I don't see her all day. I pick her up from daycare and just think of how much I love her and want to spend every minute with her.

Speaking of daycare, Story loves it there. LOVES it. Like, for instance, the other day she cried when I took her out of Miss Brenda's arms so she could go home. And to see the way she follows the other kids with her eyes. She's in heaven :) Though I know she misses me, too, because she SMILES and SMILES when I come to pick her up.

I have a feeling that my weeks will just fly by me from here on out. I'm already feeling wistful at the fact that it feels like I blinked and she's three months old. It's a bit startling to know that in another blink she'll be on solid foods. My my, so crazy!

well, it's official

2009-01-19T06:56:00.003-05:00

I will have to start supplementing Story with formula in the next few days while she's at daycare. I'm just not getting enough out of my pumping sessions and her stash has dwindled down to a two-day supply. Figuring that it's currently taking me 3-4 days worth of pumping to get two 8oz bottles for her daycare, my time is pretty much up.

I'm still going to continue to pump all day at work and only breastfeed her when she's at home, in hopes of getting my supply back up. Hopefully, I'll be able to increase my yield enough that she can be taken off formula in the next few weeks (crosses fingers). I was pretty down about this yesterday, as I tried so hard all weekend to pump and store enough milk, but my yield is dropping again (which I really think is due to her going through a growth spurt- she's stopped sleeping through the night and is feeding all the time again), so I barely got 8 oz the whole weekend :(.

I did some meditating on this yesterday and I've come to terms with it. Let me say that I really don't have a problem with formula feeding, though I know it seems different from ready my frantic posts in this blog. I seriously have no issues with it. It's just that I set myself a goal to only breastfeed Story and, because I'm both an over-achiever and sore loser, it's been really hard for me to back down. I feel like I'm failing Story, Tim and myself by just not getting enough milk to feed her at daycare. I know it's not my fault, that a lot of elements led to this eventuality. But in the end I have to do what's best for Story and my sanity, so that means breaking out the formula we got for free at the hospital (what a racket) and supplementing as long as is necessary.

Thanks to all of you for your support in this crazy mess. I really appreciate it.

medical pet peeve

2009-01-14T12:02:00.002-05:00

As a member of PR/Marketing for a hospital, I work on campaigns that teach patients to "Speak Up" about their healthcare. Our hospital is dedicated to empowering patients to tell their caregivers when they have an issue or think that they aren't being given the best level of care. Because, though doctors and nurses are incredibly smart, sometimes the patient can give valueable info that can positively effect their outcomes.

My whole experience with breastfeeding has been really rough. Partly because I am a first time mom and, though I went to classes and got books, I didn't have a great grasp on how this whole thing works (not to mention it's a learned skill). I did, however, take a class at my hospital that equated to little more than a militant lactation consultant telling us how breastfeeding is SO GOOD for you and that you can't, Can't, CAN'T do formula or you are, in essence, a terrible parent. She gave us techniques for breastfeeding and talked about "emptying yourself" but never talked about how long you should feed, how to deal with "sleepy babies" (which are common with c-section deliveries) nor did she address any of the health issues you may encounter that inhibit breastfeeding (plugged ducts, thrush, mastitis, etc.). I think this was because she was worried that this info would scare women off even trying, as it's hard stuff. But still, an educated woman is an empowered woman.

Then, the nursing staff was totally 20 years outdated on their nursing support while I was in the hospital. Telling me, in effect, that my baby feeding for 5 minutes total every two hours was totally fine (the norm should be at LEAST 15 each side, or 30 minutes or more on one side), which resulted in my milk supply being hindered and Story losing more than 10% of her bodyweight while in the hospital. Because of this, I had to bust my butt to get my supply back up.

On top of this, the nurses didn't listen to me when I told them my catheter was backing up, causing me to have a very painful UTI.

Then, finally, my "breast infection." When I first contacted my ob/gyn, the nurse insisted it was an infection. But I told her it didn't seem like mastitis (I googled it and the symptoms didn't match up) and asked if I should be examined. She said it was just an infection , that I should take the meds, use the cream and only pump that side. She also told me I couldn't store my milk from that breast, as it could cause reinfection. When the meds seemed to not be working and my supply greatly decreased, I finally called and insisied on being seen.

So, what did the OB do? Took one look at me and said, "You don't have mastitis. That's a clogged duct. That's why your meds didn't work. The onway to solve the problem is nursing. " So, basically my pumping, dumping and antibiotic taking was for nothing. If I had been seen like I asked and properly diagnosed, my supply wouldn't have diminished so much and I could have cleared this up a week ago. As it is, I'll be lucky if I can get my supply up enough again to continue exclusively breastfeeding her.

It just makes me so mad when I'm not listened to. Especially when the OB shrugs and says, "well, you can just quit if you want."
NO, I shouldn't have to quit breastfeeding because YOUR staff doesn't listen, because your practice is so large and busy that you'd rather give me meds than actually examine me.

ok, end of rant.

going back

2009-01-14T09:08:00.002-05:00

I go back to work tomorrow. Part of me is so excited to get back to my career and have real grown up interaction. I've been really missing my job, my coworkers and the buzz of being a part of a marketing department. I miss creative meetings, ad campaigns, going to the coffee shop with my coffee buddy... all of it.

But I'm so sad about my maternity time ending with Story. Although being inside a lot due to breastfeeding and the season has driven me nuts, I just love her so. Being home with her has been such a lovely experience. I'm already heartbroken about the milestones I'll miss. And her smiling, happy periods during the day. I wish I could compromise and somehow work at home with her.

Oh well, life goes on. I'm gonna try to enjoy our last day of leave together by lounging around and enjoying her presence.

so close...more TMI fun

2009-01-11T00:29:00.003-05:00

I really am so close to quitting breastfeeding. I am trying SO HARD to stay the course, but this is crazy. My breast infection is only slightly less painful, even after five days on antibiotics. I'm no longer crying while nursing, but it's still so painful that I can only stand a few minutes before wimping out. This is seriously some of the most intense and awful pain I've ever experienced. Well, next to the c-section :)

I'm just so depressed that my antibiotics seem to not be working. Usually it takes several days for antibiotics to work for me, but this time they just aren't kicking in. My life has also gotten extremely harder due to this infection, as I now can only feed on the left side AND I have to pump the right every time I feed on the left to make sure my supply stays intact.

Now for a major whinefest... throughout the course of pregnancy and mother hood I have dealt with the following:

*UTIs for the first time in my life
*Ridiculously swollen legs, feet and sometimes hands
*A c-section I wasn't expecting
*Horrible breastfeeding info from nurses once Story was born that resulted in low milk levels, when combined with my c-section drugs
*A sleepy baby who didn't gain enough weight due to poor breastfeeding practices on my part and c-section meds
*Another UTI I got in the hospital from my surgery recovery
*A breast infection that makes breastfeeding the worst pain ever

I know, I know, women go through a lot of crap. And there are many bullets I dodged, thanks to luck of the draw. But still, that's a long list!

I know I really want to breastfeed Story, but honestly... that formula keeps looking better and better...

Do You Like Jeopardy?

2009-01-08T19:48:00.001-05:00

Fresh off the camera. Taken moments ago.

I Miss You

2009-01-08T16:24:00.002-05:00

I never realized how lyrics to Bjork's I Miss You totally hit the mark on how I felt when I was pregnant.

I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
So special
But it hasn't happened yet
You are gorgeous
But I haven't met you yet
I remember
But it hasn't happened yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I, I will meet you
I was peaking

But it hasn't happened yet
I haven't been given
My best souvenir
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet
I know your habits
But wouldn't recognize you yet

And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you

I'm so impatient
I can't stand the wait
When will I get my cuddle?
Who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive
By the time I stop waiting
I miss you

random thought.

I am trying SO HARD

2009-01-08T04:50:00.003-05:00

I am trying so desperately hard not to give up on breastfeeding right now. I have an infection of the ta-ta (yeah, TMI I know), am in a great deal of pain, am totally stressed out and, as a result of all this, have had to halt my storing of milk for going back to work.

I am currently doped up, on antibiotics, have to use a bizarre cream and have now had to add in both sterilizing my pump after every use (I was cleaning it with anti-bacterial soap and all 1x/day, but that's no good) as well as had to master feeding Story while pumping at the same time, no easy task.

I just feel like breastfeeding has been SUCH an uphill battle for me. I think it is for a lot of people. But right now I feel like every time I win one fight, I find a whole new, worse opponent just around the corner.

My goal is to breastfeed Story for at least a year. If I can make that, I am going to seriously shout for joy at this point. I feel like I'm at the point of just going day-to-day, trying so hard not to give up and reach for some formula.

just no fair

2009-01-07T11:01:00.003-05:00

It's just not fair. Now that I'm about to go back to work in a week, Story has become just the BEST baby to be around. She and I spend our days eating, playing and cooing, watching TV, playing with developmental toys. She takes regular naps, even will nap in her swing without complaint... she's just a treasure.

Why is it that I can't just stay at home and enjoy her? Well, I probably COULD if I really wanted to, but we'd have to sell the house, a car, all that. No, I love my career and I am excited about getting back to it. But part of me is so upset that I have to go back. I will miss her amazing personality every minute I'm away from her. She's just magical.

I know that in the years to come, she'll be even more incredible every day. And I'm so excited for her going to daycare. My lovely friend, Toya's, mom will be watching her and I'm just sure she'll make lots of new friends and adore her caregiver. She's so social that I'm sure daycare will be tons of fun for her.

I just can't wait until I have more leave stored up again and I can take some days with her. She's just so fun now.

Story has a boyfriend!

2009-01-04T15:14:00.002-05:00

So, I finally got the courage to attend a Baltimore Natural Mothers/Attachment Parenting Meetup Group this afternoon. I've kept meaning to attend, as I am in some dire need of having some moms to hang out with in the area. But even though I'm usually a social animal in other situations, for some reason I've been terrified about meeting and hanging out with other moms. I guess I just sometimes feel so clueless as to what I'm doing, no matter how much I research, that I am afraid of hanging around other moms and looking like a total dolt. But I finally pulled myself by my wussy little bootstraps and went out.

And it was a ton of fun! It was a very low-key hangout, with nice snacks (must remember to contribute in the future!) and a cool gal talking to us about chemicals in baby products. It's pretty disturbing that the U.S. sells products that are known to be harmful to children, including baby care products that have icky stuff in them. She also educated us on the Kid Safe Chemicals Act, which urges the U.S. to stop allowing companies to put toxic chemicals in home cleaners, detergents and body products.

But probably the best part was that Story got a boyfriend! This awesome mom was there with her little boy, Lief (of COURSE I can't remember HER name... it's terrible. SEE why I'm so afraid of making friends?) who just so happens to be about a week older than Story. So now, by default, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Their first date was very romantic- lots of drooling, staring at shiny lights, looking at shadows and ignoring each other. I think they're off to a great start!

And I came home to the Ravens versus Dophins, with the Ravens winning so far!

It's been a pretty good day. If I didn't have thrush, it'd be much better, though. But oh well, you can't have everything, now can you?

TMI... so much pain

2009-01-04T06:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday evening, I started having pain while nursing on the right side. Over the course of the evening, it has turned into what can only be described as excruciating pain emanating from the right nipple every time Story feeds. It's so horrible that I've had to switch her to the left side and have resorted to using my pump to drain the right side and give it to her via bottle so I don't damage my supply. I hoped it was just a sore area or minor clogged duct, but it won't go away. Even pumping is SO painful, but it's way better than nursing.

I'm pretty sure that Story and I have thrush and will have to high tail it to her pediatrician for a check-up on Monday. This also means that I'll have to more than likely dump any milk I'm getting off my right (the most highly productive) side. I just can't deal with this, it's SO much pain. And combined with the fact that I'm still sick and sleep deprived, I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and upset.

Sometimes, I just want to give up on breastfeeding. I love the closeness and the benefits for Story, but it's been so problematic for me. And this pain is SO INTENSE and so horrible, I just don't know how long I can hold up.

i resolve

2008-12-31T23:20:00.002-05:00

My full list of resolutions can be found on my "other blog" by visiting the link in the left navigation portion of this page... but as far as my Mommy Resolutions,

I resolve:

1) To not give up on Story, Tim or myself, no matter what obstacles I face. Walking away to catch a breath is one thing, but I'll always jump back in the fray.

2) To try to enjoy every little minute with Story that I can. She's already growing up so quickly and I want to live in the moment.

3) To be easier on myself. I don't have to be perfect all of the time. I'm not a terrible mother if I fail.

4) To be as healthy and happy as I can be.

5) To breastfeed Story for a full year, at least. Even if I have to supplement with formula at times, keep on breastfeeding her as much as I can.

I can honestly say that a year ago I had no clue I would have a child by this point in my life. We decided to start "trying" last January and, somehow, in my funny brain I thought it would be years before I would be a mom. But honestly, Story knew when we needed her. To bend a silly quote from the Lord of the Rings,

"A Story is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to."

Well, I'm glad you arrived in '08. Here's to the fun '09 will bring, including: sitting up on your own, eating solid foods, crawling, holding your own bottle, babbling and starting to stand and walk!

on taking our baby's temperature...

2008-12-29T18:38:00.003-05:00

"You turn it on, you put it in her butt and wait for it to beep. It's not rocket science."

Said to Tim when he asked me just how to use the rectal thermometer on Story.

first fever

2008-12-29T17:09:00.002-05:00

Story has been feeling a bit warm to me today, so I finally ponied up and took her temperature. She has a 100.7 fever :( Called the pediatrician and she said to administer tylenol and keep an eye on her.

I am so nervous and scaredn. I know this is only the first of many, but it's scary nonetheless. She's so listless and obviously cranky/grumpy. My nerves are totally on edge.

I just want her to be all better :(

vaccinated!

2008-12-22T12:43:00.002-05:00

Story had her first rounds of vaccinations today. It was really scary and rough to watch her go through the four shots (OK...I had to cover my eyes while tim watched. I'm a real wuss.) I strongly believe in vaccination, though, so I feel that it's all for the best.

It's interesting that, due to all of the vaccination outcries by ridiculous people like Jenny McCarthy, our pediatrician went into extreme details about what each disease that we're vaccinating against does to people and why these vaccinations are necessary. Listening to the sympotms of polio, tetanus and the like, I found myself imagining those symptoms happening to Story and it just tore me up. Scary stuff.

I found myself crying afterwards, but not for Story and fear of what she was going through. I was crying thinking about all of the children NOT being vaccinated.

(steps onto soapbox)

The recent anti-vaccination movement really scares me. Though a part of me says, "eh... not my kid. Every parent has the right to their own methods and choices concerning their child's well-being," another part of me says, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" The fact that a whole bunch of parents are refusing to vaccinate their children based on unfounded links between vaccinations and autism is so unfathomable to me. I feel that these parents are so vehemently refusing vaccination because they have grown up in a time of privilege, a time when, thanks to the common use of vaccination in the U.S., they haven't had to deal with what pre-vaccination mothers endured- having one or two children in five live to adulthood, watching your child die of polio, witnessing scores of babies die of any of the diseases we now vaccinate against. Because of this, these mothers live in a sort of rebellious ignorance. One that could, in a worst-case scenario I hope doesn't happen, have these same mothers and fathers who are currently "speaking out against vaccination" on television watching their child die of a measles outbreak or other illness due to their actions.

The compassionate side of me tries to understand Jenny McCarth and other mothers of autistic children who jump to point the finger at vaccinations for their child's condition. As a parent, I have already found myself wondering if every time Story is upset, has tummy pain, hasn't gained weight correctly or gone through some other road bump it's because of me or something I did to her unwittingly. In that aspect, I can understand parents of autistic children wanting someone to blame and vaccinations are an easy scapegoat. Now, I'm not an autism scholar. I'm only a parent who has done resarch and has satisfied my own conscience to the belief that there is still no concrete evidence that shows vaccines cause autism.

Our pediatrician said something that really shook me up at our first interview. When talking with us about how her practice vaccinates all of their patients and explaining to us why, I pointed out how I was 100 percent pro-vaccination and was a bit worried about the increasing numbers of people not vaccinating their children. To this, she replied,

"Well, sadly, it'll only take one mass outbreak of measles in California or Colorado, where parents are refusing to vaccinate in large numbers, and a bunch of children dying to stop this trend."

And the thing that freaks me out is that she's right. God I hope it doesn't happen. But seriously? It's scary.

Anyways, VACCINATE YO KIDZ!

(steps down from soapbox)

Now several hours post-vaccination, Story is totally happy and vocal, smiling and talking to me while hanging out in her boppy. She's still got her cute little band-aids over her shot areas, but she doesn't seem at all affected by the vaccines. I worry about her having a fever, being cranky or fussy and unhappy from the after effects of the vaccines... but you know what? It's nothing compared to what she could go through if I refused to give them to her.

OK, gotta go hang out and shriek/coo with my daughterling!

dress mischief managed

2008-12-19T08:04:00.002-05:00

I had a very necessary revelation at Target. I kept trying on cute, skimpy dresses in my pre-preggo size (18) and having them all be way too small on me. Yet on I persisted in a bizarre form of denial, desperate to fit into a mini cocktail dress, watching my poor, gigantic boobs tryng to be stuffed into their small tops and wiggling my hips into their super-tight fabric. It was insane, I tell you.

I've always been curvier in adulthood. I love my voluptuous body and have loved dressing it (you should see my overstuffed closet), but this post pregnancy body feels like an imposter. I have tons of stretch marks and a flabby stomach and I just feel so unbalanced. I can honestly say I have never been this embarrassed about my body or wanted to cover it up so much. Does it make sense, hell no! I just had a baby 2 months ago! I gained a whopping 70 lbs+! I've lost 30+ already. So how does it make sense for me to expect to have a perfect body? It doesn't :)

So, I finally had a breaking point at Target. As I wriggled into a too small red coctail mini-dress, tears in my eyes, I said, "To hell with it! I'm going to the plus size area!" And I did.

They had tons of cute dresses, though some felt way too dowdy (I'm curvy, not an old lady!) And the other fun thing was that I had no clue just what size I am now. So I just grabbed stuff in all sizes and ran off to the dressing room. And lo and behold, some of these FIT. I am now a size 20/22 and feeling so much hotter! So what if I am still a few sizes up?

I found a really great dress, shrug, stockings asnd crazy bling shoes all on sale! I put it on when I got home and did my own fashion show, feeling awesome!

Self acceptance has always been a bit rough for me. I guess it is for everyone. But I feel like I made a lot of progress by coming to terms with my current size.

Now... I'm gonna have to hit Torrid for a MILF shopping spree!

Oh, husband!

2008-12-18T10:27:00.002-05:00

Holiday season means awesome parties and the chance to dress up and actually have adult conversation. This week, I have my own work Christmas party and the hubby's parties to go to. I feel so lucky to have found help watching Story for these events. However, there is a little snag w/ the hubby's party.

ME: I have to figure out what to wear this weekend for the party.
HUBBY: You can wear your Gala dress.
ME: Uh, no I can't. I wouldn't fit into it. And it's a bit dressy anyways. It's a black tie dress.
HUBBY: The party is black tie. And you'd totally fit into it.
ME: What? You didn't mention that! And no, I am still 30 lbs away from fitting into that dress.
HUBBY: They don't really mean it.
ME: Was it on the invitation?
HUBBY: Yeah. But I'm sure you can just wear something dressy.

That's boys for you. Bless him for thinking I look just as I did pre-baby, but there is NO WAY I'm going to fit into that dress. So, off to Le Target today to fing an affordable dress and cute shoes. Thanks to hubby's parents who are watching Story.

Life is Bliss, Life is Weird

2008-12-16T21:56:00.004-05:00

Behold a Day in the Life of Me

6-6:30 a.m.- Story has her first morning feeding, falls back asleep
7:00 a.m.- Wake up, have breakfast, shower and pump while Tim watches Story.
7:30 a.m.- Tim wakes up. I wrap up whatever "Me Time" activity I'm engaged in and get ready for the work day.
8:30 a.m.- Tim leaves for work. Story and I settle in for our day together.
8:30-11:30 a.m.- Thus starts Story's main eating block, so we hunker down for some TV and "one handed blogging" time. TV usually consists of: What Not to Wear, CSI, Food Network, TLC Baby Shows, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Dexter, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and anything else I find on TV that amuses me. During this time, I am also juggling feeding Story at least 2 times if not more, making sure I have healthy snacks handy, drinking tons of water, pumping when I can and changing tons of diapers. Also, Story has a "Morning Coos/Gurgles of Happiness Rock Block" of fifteen minutes or so that occurs at some point in this time.
11:30ish- Have One Handed Lunch. Usually soup, pre-mixed salad, leftovers, a sandwich... pretty much whatever I can wrangle with Story in a sling. Try to convince Story that her musical Rainforst Swing is the best thing ever and that she should hang out in it for 10-15 minutes before freaking out so I can have lunch unfettered. Sometimes it works (thanks so so much Jess! She's finally taking to it.)
Noon-1:30ish: Feed Story again and surf the intarwebz until Story starts to yawn/show sleep signs.
1:30-2:30/3p.m.- Story and I nap in bed with the kitties. They always look vaguely put-off to see us come up and join them in their quiet sanctuary.
3 p.m.-4 p.m.- Walkies/exercise/outings to the store.
4 p.m.-6:30 p.m.- "Unhappy Hour" starts, aka a fussy time of day for Story. I wait desperately for Tim to come home so I can pass her off and clean/make dinner/get a bath/go to Yoga/Whatever the heck I can do to get a moment to myself.
7:00 p.m.- Dinner. Usually consisting of either me feeding Story while eating or Tim feeding her while eating.
8:00 p.m.- CooFest, starring Story. She has really taken to talking a bunch to me at this time each night and smiling like crazy. I live for 8 p.m.
8:30 p.m.- 10:30 p.m.- Tim, Story and I watch a movie, or talk and hang out, or do chores, or watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until we're all sleepy.
10:30 p.m.- Tim swaddles Story (he's the best at it.) Story and I go upstairs to bed, where I read her a fabulous bedtime story (either Entertainment Weekly, The Book of Vice: Very Naught Things and How to Do Them or The Giving Tree) while she eats and falls asleep.
11 p.m.- 6:30 a.m.- Sleep fitfully on our badly busted bed (caving in the middle, but no fear! We have a new one being delivered Saturday. THANK GOODNESS for amazing Grandma Wesemeyer and her generous Christmas gift!), with Story waking anywhere from 1-3 times for feeding, depending on whether she's growth spurting or not.

rinse, repeat. No, it's not really as structured as it sounds, either, as there's always room for a little spontaneity on either Story/my part. Sometimes, we completely throw off all sanity and go out for social calls with Grandma Suze, Nana or have lovely callers stop by to do lunch or hangouts.

It's really a lovely life, if not a bit hectic. Whoever thinks that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't a full time job, consider this: at least working professionals get breaks to eat, go to the bathroom alone and can leave after approximately 8.5 hours or so. Still, I get the benefit of having an awesome coworker who enjoys a good mid-day nap as much as I do.

Which brings me to another thought...

I realized while at an awesome cookie party on Sunday that a lot of this blog makes it sound like I am constantly stressed out/freaked out about being a mom. While that is definitely a truth part of the time, for the most part it's not. I really think that having Story has been the single awesomest thing that has ever happened to me. And spending my days with her lately has been a welcome challenge and an amazing blessing.

I think I post a lot of my struggles and trepidations because I feel like it's important for me to vent about them and seek solace in other moms I know. It is, in some funny way, my tapping into the Mommy Brain Trust out there and checking out some wisdom to help with the hard parts. I also post about the rough times because I hope some of the solutions I've gone through could help other moms I'm friends with, or at least give them comfort in knowing they're not alone. In some of my darkest moments, it helped to have other moms out there that I knew who blogged and were honest about their own struggles, as it helped me not to feel like the Worst Mom Ever 2008. So I hope my honesty helps pay some of that good karma back.

Ok, enough for now. Time to go spend the last few minutes before bed buying Tim his last present. Story, that lucky gal, is getting... wait for it... MORE CLOTH DIAPERS! YAY! Seriously though, I'm going to wrap some of them up so she has something to open :)

this blog is a changin!

2008-12-16T16:50:00.002-05:00

I've realized lately that Story really isn't a larva at all anymore, hence I will be changing the name of this blog in the next day or two.

The new blog address will be storyslife.blogspot.com.

I'll try to hold onto the other address to redirect here for a bit, but please uodate your bookmarks!

Dream Dinners update

2008-12-12T19:30:00.003-05:00

So, we've been doing Dream Dinners for several months now and I have to say that it has been a pretty good experience on the whole. A lot of the meals have been super tasty and easy to prepare. It's also saved us a bit of cash, which is great in these leaner times. Seriously, some of the meals (like their crab pinwheels and stuffed shells) have been smack-yo-mama good! I have received may high fives from the hubby.

The only downsides have been that just as some of the meals have been stellar, some have been pretty bad AND the cook time on a lot of the meals we've had lately don't make it a convenience for us (a lot of th emeals we first found had only 10-20 minute cook times, now we're finding most have 50 minute plus cook times.) Not only are we talking bad taste-wise, but quality wise as well. Two that come to mind are their citrus tilapia (which has turned us off from getting fish dishes in the future) which tasted way too fishy and bland and the pork paprika, which was watery and downright gross.

Because of this, we will probably cut back our meals in the future and be choosier about getting dishes we've tried and liked. That means going back to meal planning/buying more groceries, but I'm actually a bit excited by it. I think we'll still try to do Dream Dinners for the next few months during the weeknights, but I'm getting to a point where Tim and I can manage cooking on the weekend.

Plus, cooking is actually really stress relieving for me and I miss putting dinners together from scratch.

I'd still recommend a service like Dream Dinners to anyone trying to save some time and money on meals (especially new parents.) But I kind of can't wait to cut down on them a bit.

brilliant, just brilliant

2008-12-12T07:31:00.003-05:00

This is just amazing. The Cure as baby music? It's sooooooooo pretty. I really thought it would be cheesy as all hell, but then the hubby and I heard some of them on this wonderful documentary, Goth Cruise, last night (a very good documentary, for those of you with Comcast. It's under the IFC Free movies.)

It makes my inner goth squeeeeeeee with happiness. And it's just so dreamy and nice. I totally plan on playing it while Story and I nap today.

PS- Thanks to all of you for your support with my milk issues :) You rock. I think that women in our culture are made to feel so responsible for every little thing we can or can't do for our babies, it's just unfair. But whatever happens with Story, I'm proud I've already made it this far. My goal is six months at least, a year plus if I can manage. We'll see.

More Breastmilk Woes/Worries

2008-12-10T20:44:00.002-05:00

It's freaky for me to realize I only have about 5 weeks left before I go back to work. That means only five weeks to establish a good stash of breastmilk to feed Story during the day while she's in daycare. I'm pumping as much as I can get in, when she's not eating like a crazy monster...

But there's a problem. I still have low supply. I've done everything I've felt I can to increase my supply and, though I definitely have enough to feed Story every few hours, I still only get about 4oz tops at a time when I pump. And that is only at peak pumping/supply times. I usually get about 1-2 ounces on average.

I feel like I've tried everything to get to the level that other gals I read about are at. Women on my baby boards talk about getting 8 oz or so per pumping session and I just feel so worthless. I know, it's crazy to feel worthless because I make less milk, but there ya go. I do. And I've tried so desperately to raise my output- drinking Mother's Milk teas, taking multivitamins, pumping more, anything I can do to up the ante. And though I saw some rise, I seem to have hit my plateau.

Which leaves me conflicted. If I keep on pumping religiously before I go back to work, I'll probably have enough of a stash to get Story through the first couple of weeks, up to the first month at most. I wanted to continue to exclusively breastfeed her, but I'm worried I just won't have enough stashed to be able to do that.

I've resolved myself to try as hard as I can and, if I can't make enough milk to keep up, I may consider supplimenting with formula. I don't think there's any shame in supplimenting with formula, nor do I have issues with moms that exclusively use formula. I just feel like a failure, again, for not producing as much as other women. I want so badly to only breastfeed Story, it just hurts to think I won't be able to keep it up when I go back to work.

Sigh.. off to pump again. In the meantime, I still have more wacky home remedies to try out to increase milk supply... oatmeal, anyone?

speaking of nursing covers... BRILLIANT GIZMO

2008-12-09T13:10:00.003-05:00

I was just searching etsy for nursing covers when I found this:

nursing clips from modestmilk. turns any blanket you own into a nursing cover! And it's uber affordable!

mom = mark?

2008-12-09T10:55:00.002-05:00

Since becoming a mom, I've discovered a lot of great inventions that have made my life easier. I've also discovered a ton of "must have" items that are total scams. I get so annoyed at what are, to me, over-priced items created to make money off of flustered, nervous new moms.

Case-in-point, nursing covers. I'm in the market for one because I find there are times I want to breastfeed Story in public and block out stimuli so she can chill out. I just checked out a brand name one and they want $45 for what amounts to no more than a cheapo rectangle of fabric with a couple of ties for your neck to keep it on. Literally, like five bucks or so worth of fabric and minimal sewing skills.

Yeah, I get that you pay for convenience, but come on! That kind of mark-up is crazy. And I see it all the time: baby wraps, nursing clothes/bras, diaper bags... And there's this odd undertone that if you don't buy these things, you're a bad mom. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Well, all I can say is thanks for etsy.com. I've found all these items on there for half the price or less. And just as good if not better quality.

But seriously...I'm a mom, not a mark!

baby soothing is weird

2008-12-03T10:23:00.003-05:00

I spoke too soon yesterday, as the rest of my day took a bad u-turn into fussy babyville. Story was nursing what felt like 24-7, with only maybe half an hour to an hour between feedings. Every time I put her down for a nap, she started wailing and was generally pissed. Even when I tried to put her down so I could take a moment to myself, to try and do a little yoga or hell, eat once in a while, she started bawling and screaming bloody murder.

I found myself breaking down and crying at multiple moments yesterday, begging Story to stop crying and pleading her at the end of each nursing to chill out and let me please please please get something to eat. Nope, she was not having it. This made me even more exhausted, upset and, at times, angry. Though the very real, adult part of my brain said, "she can't help it, she's a baby," there was the emotionally and physically drained part of me that found myself getting so annoyed with her and angry at myself for not being able to soothe her. At these times, I put her in her pack n play and did some deep breathing for a moment or two until I felt better.

I will again reiterate that I think parenting an infant is an amazing strength and character builder, it makes you a superparent. I've had to meet so many challenges with very little sleep and complete ignorance of how to solve the problem and, though at times I've felt like I can't do this, that I'm the worst parent on the planet, I've found that Story and I can figure this stuff out in the end. All I've needed to do was take a step back, breathe and allow myself to break down once in a while. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to know how to solve everything off the bat. It feels like I should be perfect, but I'm allowed to feel defeated once in a while, as long as I collect myself and jump back into the fray.

Now, in retrospect I think there were a few possible reasons for why Story was in such a terrible mood yesterday.

1) She's hit the 6 week growth spurt and is eating like crazy in order to grow.
2) I ate REALLY spicy tuna sushi for the first time in a long time and it went through my milk and upset her tummy and tastebuds (I already had a day like yesterday a week or so ago because I ate really spicy salsa.)
3) I was trying to do too much on my first day alone. I kept trying to constantly pump between feedings to increase my supply more, clean up the house a bit and do some knitting.

Whatever reason she was upset, today seems to be going better. She's still been ravenous, but she's also been happy and fun to deal with. I already resolved myself to get very little done today, besides some grocery shopping as a mental health outing (new moms NEED to get out once a day if they can, in my opinion. It helps you break free of your mommy-bubble of a house and interact with actual speaking humans...), but besides that I plan on being lazy and feeding Story as much as she needs it, no worries about pumping or anything else.

Now, to address the title of this post...

In order to feed S and continue to pump, I tried out the wacky idea of feeding her on one breast and pumping the other at the same time. What resulted was the most amusing thing I've seen in a long time.

As soon as the pump starts going, S goes from being awake and engaged to heavy-lidded, lethargic and sleepy. The sound of the pump put her to sleep! No kidding! She completely conked out! She then woke up when I turned it off, so I put her on her boppy and turned it on again. The result? You got it, totally sleepy baby!

She is currently in her pack-n-play and taking a nap, which is AMAZING. It's so funny what works at soothing babies. Seriously, they are the BEST science experiment ever!

Ok, off to do Yoga while she's still sleeping :)

too much fun

2008-12-02T08:52:00.002-05:00

Story spent about 1/2 hour this morning just cooing and smiling at me. I put her on her Boppy pillow (which she usually hates) and she just smiled and smiled at me, interjecting "hunh"s and "aaah"s of joy. It was AMAZING. She was so happy and animated, like I've never seen before. She started it when Daddy came down to leave for work and just kept on going until she got hungry. Just fabulous.

It's like every day she gets more and more of a personality. It's just so awesome! Yay for fabulous baby!

Today is my first full day on my own since Tim went back to work. Though he went back last Wednesday, I spent all the days he was at work with family for the holidays, so I had tons of help and support. But today, I am all on my own for the first full, straight day.

I plan to spend the day lazing about, making some important phone calls regarding medical bills and such and POSSIBLY getting some knitting done, we'll see. After the last few people-filled days, I think both Story and I need a quiet day at home.

Story's First Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T10:22:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is literally a family rock-block for us. We start off with Tim's family coming in a day or two before, and thus begins all day visits with his large family and our Thanksgiving day fun with mine. Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday to spend with our families, as it's almost like an festival concert or something. And it's gluttony-tastic, with Thanksgiving day, Chinese food night, Seafood day and then leftover time.

I was a bit worried about Story and how she'd handle this kind of intense, people-ladened time. She's spent most of her existence in our tiny home, hanging out with Tim and I, kind of secluded from other humans. It's not that we're trying to coddle her, but it's freakin' cold out (and holiday shopping season, which means it's hell to get around and go to malls where we could do some indoor walking...) I was worried that she'd get really overstimulated and be a crying mess the whole time.

Wednesday was the first day I went over to Tim's parent's house, which just happened to coincide with his first day back at work. I went over early because I was nervous about my first day handling Story all by myself, so I felt like it would be great to hang out around family. And it was! Tim's family are totally cool about me breastfeeding, so I had lots of company while S ate up a storm. And everyone was so wonderful about wanting to hold her and help me get some downtime.

It was similarly laid-back at my sister's house, though they weren't as cool with breastfeeding (well, my sister was... but mom told me to be more modest, which kind of ticked me off. oh well, we all have our different comfort zones.) It was so cute to see my niece caring for S and feeding her, too. It was just awesome to have so much love and help from family. It's not that I expected less, but it was still so wonderful.

However, S did get REALLY overstimulated. I found that at about 3pm each day she would get really fussy and angry at all the stimulation. Tim's mom had a great solution for this, which was to throw a blanket over her to shield out the light and some noise. I called this the "parrot effect" and it worked pretty well. However, Tim found the surefire solution, which was to put her in our Premaxx Sling Carrier and close the drawstrings all the way, which shut out the light and noise as well as gave her a nice rocking motion when Tim walked her around. This put her out lickety split! I just love how parenting makes us discover all of these amazing toys and contraptions!

Today is Family Home Thanksgiving with Amy, La, Josh and possibly Katie/Dingo. Even though the last few days were fun, I'm so glad to have one to ourselves at home and then a relaxing dinner with a few friends. I think S needs a day to wind down.

Cloth Diapering is easy... really!

2008-11-24T17:49:00.002-05:00

I will humbly admit that we used regular old, environment-harming diapers for the first month of Story's existence. I had bought a bunch of cloth diapering supplies and was sure I'd be good to go by the time she got here, but then she was so small at birth that none of them would fit. That, combined with all the stress and lack of sleep from the first few weeks of us adjusting to her in our lives meant we figured it was worth it to use disposable diapers for the first few weeks or so.

I also must admit that a little bit of why we didn't start it up was because we were scared. No matter how many tutorials I'd read online or people I'd talked to about their experiences, I was really anxious about actually using cloth diapers. I kept imagining all these leaks and gross, soppy prefolds. So, there you have it... I can dance with giant, flaming fans without a second thought, but cloth diapers freaked me the heck out.

One good facet of my personality is that I definitely know myself well enough to know how to get around my own bullshit. So, I woke up one morning and decided it was time to jump in. I got up, changed her out of her disposable diaper and put on a cloth diaper and cover. I resolved myself and put the hubby on notice that we would be cloth diapering from now on, with the occasional disposable if need be. And we haven't looked back since.

And yes, as you can tell by the post title, it's WAY easier than I thought. I totally don't know why I was so scared in the first place, to be honest. The hardest part about prefolds is getting down how to fold them, of which there are several methods. Once I got down the fold I preferred, it got easier and easier each time to change Story in no time flat. The only other challenge was figuring out which covers fit and worked best, but in the end I found that most covers are fabulous at containment. They're also darned cute.

So far, I'm a huge fan of indian prefolds with Bummis SuperBrite covers or Mimas PUL covers (an awesome chick who sells her stuff on Etsy.) We've also used a BumGenius diaper, which was great, too, but I like the fact that I can reuse covers with multiple prefolds, whereas the BumGenius is a single use n wash diaper.

Man, look at me, I sound smart :)

But seriously, I feel like I'm becoming a diaper genius. And really, it's not any big deal, because it's much easier than it seems.

OH and Amy La, I finally got to use the wool soaker you knitted for her! I put it on her today so she could have some extra protection without wearing a full crawler onesie and it was SO CUTE. I'll have to take a picture :)

growing and growing

2008-11-20T15:48:00.002-05:00

Story had her one month appointment at the pediatrician's today and it went wonderfully. She has yet again grown WAY more than either Tim or I could have guessed. Within the past week, she has put on a whopping 10 ounces and has grown two inches (though I think, in all honesty, that those two inches occurred over time.) But seriously, it's amazing that she went from barely gaining weight to packing on the ounces. Good job, daughter!

She's also started making little cooing and "uhn" noises, which is just the sweetest and cutest thing to behold. It's just so damned cool how she seems to do something new and different every day. I have to admit that I'm a bit sad to think that I'm going to miss so much when I go back to work. Tim is already sad in advance when he thinks of what he'll miss when he goes back to work in a week. I wish we had tons of money so we could both stay home and just bask in her awesomeness... oh well.

Best and Worst

2008-11-18T12:28:00.003-05:00

There's a lot of crap that they market to moms out there, most of which is utterly useless. I have to admit that I fell into the new-mom trap of buying some gimmick items that I totally didn't need. I also was given some awesome stuff that I never even thought to ask for. So, I'm listing my best and worst mom items in this thread for the benefit of my mom-friends out there (and I've decided to keep this thread posted in the lefthand navigator bar for future updates.)

BEST

Born Free Bottles- These are the only bottles Story will use at this point (1 month old.) They are just the right size for her and the nipples give just the right amount of suction. I introduced these bottles at three weeks to give her some supplemental milk and they haven't interfered with breastfeeding that much. I notice a small difference, but nothing major. And I think this is because, unlike a couple of the other bottle types we bought, these look the most like real nipples. And I love the fact that they're BPA free and so sturdy.

Gillian O'Malley Nursing Sleep Bra- When I first bought this, I missed the "sleep bra" portion of the description. I literally picked it up in a frantic dash to Target after we brought Story home because I kept putting off buying nursing bras. When I got to Target, this was the only one they had in my size and I was desperate. So, after using it a few times, I was hating on it because it was so lacking in the support category and it made me look like Mrs. Ugly Saggyboobs. However, when I went to hate on it and checked it out on Target's site, I realized it's a sleep bra. Huh. Well then I love it, because it's so comfy and just perfect for sleeping. And yeah, if you're anything like me, you'll need a bra for sleeping. It helps contain the leaks and makes life much more comfy.

Itzbeen- My friend Casey got us one of these and it's amazingly useful. Though it seems so simple in its construct, it's brilliant. It times when you last changed the baby, fed the baby, how long the baby has been sleeping. It's been especially great for timing breastfeeding.

Kiddopatamus Swaddle Me Blanket- I LOVE THIS THING. LOVE LOVE LOVE. A wonderful coworker bought this for me and it's like solid gold. Swaddling correctly can be such a pain with regular blankets, but this one is so simple. Just tuck the baby in, wrap the two velcro flaps around em and you're done. It's so soft and the velcro is really strong, it's definitely worth way more than ten bucks! Plus, I'm a sucker for the bear velcro clasps.

Medela Freestyle Breast Pump- I haven't really ever used another pump to compare it to, so I can't say this one is better than any other. But I can say that this pump does a wonderful job, is fairly comfortable and allows me to walk around and do stuff, if I feel like it. It's relatively quiet (though I still feel like the motor sounds like it's saying, "Mooo, mooo, mooo...") and has these awesome attachments that fit my nursing bras to keep the pumps in place. Plus, it comes in a nifty bag that I use to cart it around in when we go visiting places so I can still pump regularly.
Pack n Play/Playard- I totally thought these were useless, but they have been such a lifesaver. Especially for those of you with multi-level homes or who spend time in your backyard gardening, bbqing or just hanging out a lot, these are a must-have. It's so convenient to have a combo changing table, playard and bassinet.

Target Nursing Tanks- I can't believe that a tank this cheap is this good. I bought a Bravado tank (see below) and, while it's nice and supportive, it SUCKS as far as ease of use goes. It kind of blows my mind that the "cheapo" tanks I bought at target, literally less than half the price of the Bravado tanks, are just as comfy and are WAY more convenient to use. These tanks are cute, nice and long in the torso and can be opened and closed with one hand, in seconds flat. They also aren't too thick material wise, so they don't ride up as easily. And for the price, I could get them in multiple colors without breaking my budget.

LovelyDuds baby wrap- We have every kind of carrier possible: baby bjorn, sling and then this thing, which is basically one long piece of fabric. And I love them all for their different uses, but this one is definitely my favorite. It keeps Story nice and close and is totally easy to use. Not to mention, it looks pretty on and can grow with her.

Zippered Sleep n Plays- These are literally the best articles of baby clothing ever. They're cheap, cute and so easy to get our girl in and out of. They cover all the basic needs- ease of use, warmth, cuteness and affordability. I LOVE THEM. I started off using a lot of the snappy onesies that were given to us, then, after getting a few of these from Target, I promptly went back and picked up tons more. Between these and sleep gowns, I'm set.

WORST

Bravado Nursing Tank- As I mentioned above, I am not a huge fan of these tanks. I'm really impressed by the amount of support they offer for bigger ta-ta ladies like me (I'm about an E now.) These tanks definitely feel like you're wearing a very supportive sports bra and that's definitely a plus. But even the wonderful support and fairly flattering form don't make up for its issues as far as ease of use go. First off, they have these odd circular clasps that are very hard to fasten with one hand. Sure, I can get them off easily, but getting them back up is a real pain to do one-handed. And then there's the issue of pumping. Though my pump comes with several bra-style attachments, the Bravado circular clasp style seems to be proprietary, wherease the cheapo Target tank is standard. So, I have to do this crazy jury-rigging to get the Bravado tank to work with my pump. NOT fun. And finally, the material is such a thick stretch material that yeah, it does do a bit of shaping... but it also rolls up easily and feels kind of cloistering. And at fifty bucks each, these just don't seem worth it.

Snap Up Crawlers/Sleep-n-Plays- I don't know why in this age of zippers they still make these things. Trying to snap a squirming, upset baby into one of these is like hell on earth. Picture this: your kid is already annoyed at being stripped down and having its nice, warm, poo filled diaper removed so you can wipe them down and force them into a new one. They are kicking, squirming, crying and complaining. Now, try to get those legs and arms into a snap up sleep-n-play. Yeah, hell. You want something that can zip up in a flash so that your baby can be nice and cozy again, not some article of clothing you have to keep snapping and re-snapping when they kick and unsnap the whole damned thing. URGH.

win baby legwarmers!

2008-11-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

Win 20 Pairs of Baby Leg Warmers from babySNAZZ!

had to post this nifty contest shared by Amy on her blog. Thanks!

waiting game

2008-11-16T11:30:00.002-05:00

It's so frustrating waiting to be cleared to do higher impact exercise. I understand that I had major surgery and I respect that. I'm not saying that it makes sense for me to be so frustrated right now, but I do. Before getting pregnant, I was a very active person- I danced, taught dance, did yoga, pilates and the occasional jog/run. Now, I spend most of my time sitting on a coach, feeding my daughter, watching way too much tv and knitting when I can. I know, TOUGH LIFE, but it actually is a bit like torture. I see my bellydance dvds and I yearn to get up and dance for hours, I see my yoga mat and I daydream about doing an intense yoga practice. But I can't do either of these things, as my surgery involved separating my abdominals and cutting through tons of layers of flesh, fat and uterus.

My body just feels antsy. This is only made worse by staring at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the flabby, stretch-marked belly and body that stare back at me. I've always been a curvier girl, but I've had very well defined abdominal muscles and strong things and arms from dance and yoga, so this body doesn't feel like my own. It feels like someone else hijacked my body, took it for this wild nine month spin and dumped it back on my doorstep, all odd and stretched out.

I understand that this, too, will all pass in time and I'l be back to my old self before I know it... but for now I feel like I've got cabin fever in my own skin.

I think I'm going to call my ob/gyn tomorrow and see what exercises I am cleared to do for now. Maybe I can do some low impact yoga? I'm already walking when I can, even though it's gotten pretty gross outside. I just don't know how long I can take being so sedentary.

gettin fat!

2008-11-13T10:25:00.002-05:00

Woohoo!

Just came back from the pediatrician and Story is up a whopping 11 ounces from her last weigh in a week ago!!! She's back to her birth weight and all is going fabulously. Just goes to show how odd babies are with their growth spurts. I also am quite happy to find that my new feeding/pumping techniques have worked!

I have to admit that I wasn't surprised that she had gained weight. In the past few days, she's all but outgrown a bunch of the newborn onesies we bought for her. It's really cool, but also a but stunning to notice that one day your baby fits into something and the next you can barely squeeze them in. Human growth is so amazing!

It's also been great to have Tim be able to feed Story via bottle. It's really wonderful to watch him bond with her in that way. It's also nice that I can now get a 4 hour block of sleep in once in a while at night.

Speaking of which, off to go be lazy while Story takes a nap. It's rainy, so I feel a hot drink and internet surfing fiasco coming on.

My best advice... pt 1 (or something)

2008-11-12T13:15:00.003-05:00

First off, thanks Rachel for the kind comment about my honesty on this blog. I have found that the honesty that other friends of mine posted in their blogs really helped me to get through some rough spots in the pregnancy and motherhood department, so I'm trying to follow suit. Oh and nice to meet ya via internet.

Now, for the BEST ADVICE I can give to any of my friends who are pregnant or are planning to be pregnant in the future...

Plan on having a c-section.

OK, that sounds crazy. No I don't mean to plan for one like, demand your doctor delivers you via c-section. I know that some women really prefer the idea of a c-section versus vaginal delivery and, honestly, I can't hate on that. I respect every woman's right to do whatever they'd like with their own bodies, period.

But what I mean is that you should research what c-sections involve, know the process behind them and be aware of the risks and recovery time.

I can honestly say that I have been so ill-prepared and kicking myself with my body and the whole c-section thing. I had planned on having a totally natural birth, no drugs no nothing and even went so far as to delay going to the hospital to ensure as little interventions as is possible (note: for those of you going WHA??? to this, it is suggested that you wait until your contractions are approx 3 minutes apart or so before heading to the hospital if you want to have a natural birth. This ensures that you'll be laboring in the hospital less and have less chances to 'accidentally' say yes to meds during a bad contraction... but I digress.) The thing is, I was so anti-intervention birth that I did very little studying up on them. Meaning, I was completely in shock and ill-prepared, both mentally and physically, to deal with a c-section.

So, how can you prepare?

First off, go read up on them. I HIGHLY suggest reading the Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy, as it has a very good section (which I read after the fact, LOL) on c-section birth. Get a good idea of what they involve, especially the procedure itself and recovery time. Another good thing to note is that if you plan on breastfeeding, understanding the impact of post c-section recovery drugs and different feeding positions to manage pain.

Secondly, and this was a really big one for me... PACK like you're having a c-section. Even if you're one hundred percent sure you're having a vaginal birth, like I was, pack for a three to four day stay in the hospital. This is as simple as making sure you have a couple of nursing bras, a couple of nursing tanks, some toiletries and a good good nightgown or two. I was severly under-packed and found that I had to beg my saint of a mother to buy me a nightgown because I couldn't wear pants with my incision. And honestly, by the second day of wearing it I was a bit ripe. The only regret I have as far as packing was the lack of clothes, because if you do have to have a c-section you'll be so full of IVs, catheters and wearing sad, old lady like underpants/pads that having some nice, fresh clothes will do WONDERS.

Finally, give yourself permission to heal. I've had to relinquish a lot of my mommy duties to ensure I heal properly and it has been tough. At first, I wanted to do so much for Story- I wanted to change her, bathe her, take care of every little need. But I'm lucky I have a husband who knows about my tendency to overlook my own body's needs who laid down the law for me. The hard truth is it takes at least 6 weeks to heal in the first stages of a c-section, then up to a year to fully heal. It's major surgery. I've had a hard time realizing that I will have to be very careful with my dance studies after six weeks, that I am not an invincible wolverine woman. But knowing and accepting that what I'm doing is for the best for my body and, in turn, for my family has definitely helped me a lot mentally.

And that's the end of this session of best advice. Hopefully, none of you who want to have vaginal births will have to go through the wackiness I did. But honestly, be smarter than I was and read up on the alternative. It'll give you piece of mind and managed expectations.

I Has a System

2008-11-09T11:55:00.003-05:00

A bit of a warning here... you are about to learn so much about my lactation, it will make your head spin. If you have breast issues, read no further. Though honestly, if you DO have breast issues, you should get over them... b/c boobs rule.

Anyways...

Tim and I talked about my breastfeeding concerns on Sunday and we decided on a system for helping my sanity. My main concerns are making sure that I have enough milk supply to feed Story effectively (you establish your milk supply in the first four weeks and I had spent so many days in the hospital, I am a bit worried about not producing enough) and that I increase my supply effectively before the four week point.

So, we came up with a plan. As of Sunday, I have been pumping at least four times per day, about 1/2 hour after feeding Story for twenty minutes. We've then been giving her that extra milk via bottle at night so Tim can have some feeding/bonding time and Story gets an extra feeding per day. Now I KNOW that lactation consultants usually tell you to wait a month before introducing any form of bottle, but Story has been latching so well that I'm following my own gut here. I figure it's better to increase my production and give Story a caloric boost via breastmilk in a bottle than to go to forumla.

And I am happy to report that it's working! I just did my first pumping session this morning and I have seen a good jump in production. At first I was only getting 1 ounce total from pumping both sides at once, what seemed like a piddly amount. It's only been about one full day of increased pumping and I'm already getting three ounces total! The funny thing is that lefty is a severe underachiever to righty, so I think I'm going to have a few sessions today only pumping lefty to try to get it up to snuff.

I have to admit that I'm crying as I write this, because I had become so hopeless. But things are definitely looking up! Big shout outs to Amy C for all your help and suggestions! Especially a big thank you for suggesting Breastfeeding Made Simple, as it's a great book for understanding lactation and solving breastfeeding issues!

a true fact about Story

2008-11-07T09:52:00.003-05:00

She almost always falls asleep looking like she's ready to fight whoever tries to wake her up. She clenches her little fists and looks like she's ready to rumble.

I find this precious beyond all explanation.

breastfeeding challenges...Again?

2008-11-06T13:05:00.002-05:00

Just got back from the pediatrician and I'm pretty stressed/bummed out. Turns out that Story has not gained a single ounce since last week, which is really troubling. The pediatrician didn't seem to be very worried, but she still asked us to come in next week for a follow-up to make sure she's gaining weight.

This first started out as a worry when we came home from the hospital and she'd lost a pound since birth. It's pretty normal to lose weight, but it was still hard to see she'd lost that much. The doctor suggested it was probably due to my c-section recovery and the percocet I was taking. She told me that I should try to stop taking it, which I did follow for a few days. Within that time, Story gained four ounces and seemed to be on the right track. However, it was at the sacrifice of finding myself in so much pain that I could barely walk. So, I started taking it again, deciding that being able to sleep and walk was important for taking care of Story.

I have to admit though that now I'm feeling terrible about Story's lack of weight gain. I know, if the pediatrician isn't really worried, it's probably fine. But still, I feel so bad. I definitely notice the difference in the two days since I've stopped taking the percocet. Story is much more alert in the daytime, she seems to be feeding better (before she'd fall asleep while feeding and I'd constantly have to wake her up... it still happens now but not as often), and she's been responding well to on-demand feeding. So, hopefully her weight will go up.

It just makes me feel like a failure to not have her gaining weight back. I feel like feeding her is my number one job right now, so it sucks that she's not climbing back up steadily. I kind of blame myself for not being tough enough to have stopped taking the percocet the first time around, but I know that's silly. Still, I feel like our society makes breastfeeding such a "natural" thing that not doing so well at it makes women feel like there's something wrong with them, like me.

I think the only thing I can do is try to remain positive and focus on keeping up our feeding routine. If we go back next week and she's not doing better, then it will probably come down to formula supplementing/pumping to supplement. Cross your fingers for us!

cheesy, but true

2008-11-05T08:07:00.002-05:00

"You think you know how much you can possibly love another human being, then you have a child... and you don't believe how much you love this little person. It seems impossible, but it's true."

Though I've always rolled my eyes and thought it was cheesy when people said this to me, I can't argue against it now. Story is just the greatest and best thing ever. Ever ever ever.

I should note that Story has become the most enjoyable baby in the past week. She's wide awake and barely fussy, she sleeps well, she enjoys playing with both mommy and daddy. She even has favorite activities, like: staring at the curtains, eating her fists and checking stuff out. I can't wait until she gets even more active so we can play with some of the awesome toys she has.

If any of you out there are soon to be moms/recent moms and struggle with a baby, the only advice I give you is this: ditch the books. Ditch the books and ditch the well-intentioned declarations and advice from friends, family and online groups. Parent by your instinct, it won't let you down. Sure, consult doctors and other resources with questions you have, but, in the end, follow your heart. Every baby is different and you know how to parent your child. Trust me, once I stopped trying all these random "methods" for soothing and making Story happy and just paid attention to what my gut said, life has been FABULOUS!

:)

Good stuff

2008-11-02T14:40:00.002-05:00

OK, so I've done a lot of venting and all on this blog lately, which is good for the sanity. But I don't want to make it seem like life has been one hard patch lately. There have been quite a few awesome things that have happened, so I figured I'd list them...

*Story had her first bath in the kitchen sink. Yup, she's a sink baby. I gave her the bath while daddy took pictures and she HATED every moment of it. It was really precious, though.

*Our loverly friends, Jess and Greg, gave us a swing that she adores. We put her in it last night and she swung while watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I am happy to report that she seemed entranced by this show. Thanks again Jess and Greg!

*Story has had two nights in a row sleeping in her crib, getting 3-4 hour blocks of rest and going to be fairly fuss free. We still stop in all the time to check on her (it's actually harder to not freak out when she's being so peaceful and sleepy, LOL) and pat/reassure her. But two whole nights of no screaming/wailing!

*Story played on her rainforest tummy/back play mat for quite some time today and had a blast. Though we think she was more entranced by the curtains in the dining room than the play set.

*Story had the most explosive poop ever today. OMG she was hanging out with daddy in the dining room and I could hear it while I hung out in the living room, it was THAT loud. She also seemed very happy and proud of this.

*I got to take Story on a walk around the neighborhood with Tim yesterday afternoon. It was a bit hard, as I still had some painful moments, but it felt SO GOOD to be out and about, getting fresh air. Story also really seems to like it, though the bumpy ride makes her sleepy.

There's been a lot of other awesome moments, but gushing about them all would probably annoy the heck out of you all. But I'll just say this- she is the coolest thing and I'm so glad she exists. I really can't wait until I heal more so we can go on more walks and a day trip here and there. For now, it's great to enjoy her company and get to spend a lot of lazy days on the couch with her.

so much information

2008-11-02T05:42:00.003-05:00

I think one of the hardest things about being a new parent is all the information that gets thrown your way. It seems like there is a book for everything and a million and one approaches to parenting. I get so daunted by all of the methods and approaches to child rearing, especially since I view a lot of them as ways to make a buck off of sleep deprived, stressed out parents.

That said, in the past week I've been reading The Baby Whisperer, The Sears Book of Sleep and even Tim's Be Prepared book for dads. Though I still feel like each of them has their own style that doesn't totally fit what we're into, it's good to get some tips from each source that work and make Story happy. Those, combined with some awesome moms I know who read this blog, has definitely made a good impact on Story in the first week at home.

One of the best things that's happened already is that she seems to actually like her crib. At first, we were co-sleeping with her and we were finding it to be a bit problematic. First off, it made me really nervous to have her hanging out in our bed, especially since I have been on pain meds for the c-section. Also, she seemed to be much fussier, crankier and prone to mixing up her night and day. But whenever we'd put her in her bassinette, she'd cry non-stop. Definitely no fun.

Our pediatrician suggested establishing a firm difference between night and day by having loud tv/activity on during the day and keeping the house dark and quiet at night. She also suggested letting her CIO (cry it out) in the crib until she fell asleep. I'll admit that I'm not too keen on that, even though it was how I was raised. So, we tried putting her in her crib and using some of the soothing methods we learned in Newborn Care class (swaddling, of which Tim is AMAZING at and shushing/white noise.) Then, Tim and I turned on the monitor and visited/soothed every time she woke up or started crying. Immediately, we noticed a huge difference. She has been happily going to sleep at night, sleeping for longer stretches each time and only waking up really for feedings. She also seems SO much happier during the day, being alert and playful. I think we were both really stressing her out/keeping her up too much with our "soothing" methods of bouncing, rocking, singing, etc. every time she woke up before.

It's definitely not perfect. She's a little person who has been thrown into this bizarre world, so she still wakes and needs soothing (or I have to wake her for feedings, which is so hard to do. She looks so sweet and precious, I just want to let her sleep... but a mom's gotta do what she's gotta do.) But it's amazing how she's gone from screaming/crying in large blocks during the day to being happy and alert.

However, we'll see how long this lasts. As I've said before, this parenting stuff seems like one giant experiment, so who knows if next week she'll be a totally different baby with a whole new set of rules :)

first family photo

2008-11-01T21:15:00.001-04:00

Taken this morning after breakfast. I'm proud to say I don't look AS high as I usually do in all my pictures. Tim and Story are naturals, of course :)

a hard day with a good ending

2008-11-01T11:42:00.002-04:00

Warning: LONG LONG POST :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I wish I could say it was easy, happy and full of sunshine and unicorns. Instead, it was full of doctor's appointments, rushing around, lots of pain, discomfort, a screaming baby and a breakdown on my part. But, like I said, it ended really well and there were some great breakthroughs as well.

On Thursday, I got hooked up to a Holter monitor for my heart. When having my c-section, I had a bout of ventricular tachycardia, which can be a possibly life threatening event. However, they really believe it was a random occurrence brought on by the suddenness of the surgery, my anxiety level and, in my opinion, the drugs they gave me to stop my contractions (which they told me would make my heart race like crazy...) Even though they did several rounds of tests and believe I'm fine, they wanted me to do a 24 hour monitor to make sure. This means that I had to have five electrodes and a monitor unit strapped to me for a whole day, while trying to manage a new baby and breastfeeding. On top of that, I had to write down every time I ate something, went to the bathroom, had an "extreme emotion" (laughing, crying, fright, etc.), took medication, breastfeed, drank caffeine and any other event which might be reflected in a change in heart rate. It was really rough, especially since Story kept on trying to pull out my nodes all the time while breastfeeding.

And on Thursday, Story had a rough night. She started crying at about 11pm and it went on through the morning, until about 10 a.m. with a few pauses in between. Neither Tim or I could figure out what was going on. I kept feeding her, we changed her, tried to put her down for naps and nothing worked.

So my birthday morning started out with a cranky baby and these itchy nodes on me that made life annoying. Still, I fixed Tim and I some pancakes and bacon while Story was in her bassinet, because I just needed some time to myself. Then, it was on to the pediatrician for a check up. Good news is that Story is gaining weight, which means her feedings are going well. And the pediatrician gave us some great advice about sleeping and acclimating her to night versus day. She told us to establish clearly that day = being awake: loud tv, cleaning, talking, friends/visitors, only allowing short naps for Story, etc. Night = low lights, soft tv if anything, winding down and putting story in her crib to sleep. I asked her about crying, because Story would cry the instant we put her in a crib. The pediatrician said that letting her cry is fine as long as we're sure all her needs are met... that babies need that to settle down and learn coping. We decided to give it a go.

After this appointment, we headed up to Annapolis to drop off my Holter monitor and get my prescription for UTI meds. Yup, I have a UTI. I believe I got it from the hospital, since there were a few times when my catheter bag needed to be refilled/was backed up and it took forever for a nurse to respond. On one occasion, the nurse was like, "oh no, it's draining fine," and I responded, "no, I can feel it backed up, my bladder feels like it's a strained balloon... Please dump the bag for me." Anyways, I now was dealing with c-section healing and an inflammed/painful bladder. JOY :) So, I was given meds from my ob/gyn to solve the problem, but I had to pick them up.

Upon picking them up, I found out they suspend your employee pharmacy card when you're on leave at the hospital I work at. It would have been nice if they'd let me know that. Instead, here I was with no cash, just my employee badge/card and a diaper bag. Thanks to a kind stranger, I was able to pay the $.70 for my prescriptions and get some relief. I'm so glad there are kind souls left in this world.

By this time, it's 12:30 p.m. or so and I'm starving. But we wanted to eat/be stationed at home, so we traveled back home. On the way back, we went by Trader Joe's to get me some cranberry juice and snacks, then on to the liquor store for my birthday treats- a bottle of nice red wine and some pumpkin beer. Even though I'm still on meds (though I stopped taking my percocet b/c I was disturbed with how it might effect Story), I had decided to delay my motrin so I could have a glass of wine. We got to introduce Story to our local liquor store owner, whom we adore, and he was just thrilled to see her. Then it was on to home.

Next commences hours of screaming baby, episodes of "it hurts when I pee," and extremely exhausted Tim and Brooke trying to cope. Because of stopping my percocet, I was in so much pain from my incision and the UTI. Delaying the motrin didn't help either. And I was on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep, so the world was foggy and horrible. Around 4p.m. I had an extreme breakdown. I couldn't stop crying because I felt like I was the third wheel in our family- Story seemed to be so much happier with Tim than me, I was just a set of milk bags who had no idea how to comfort her, I was unable to do so many basic things still because of my healing, I couldn't sleep through her wailing in her co-sleeper and I just felt like everyone would be better off without me. I admitted to tim that I felt so stressed that I felt like I was letting him and Story down.

He immediately told me to go take a nap while he took story on a walk around the neighborhood. He told me that my feelings were totally normal and expected: it was a combination of hormones and baby blues, that I was doing so much better than I thought and that neither of them were let down. He reminded me that Story sometimes will only calm down for me, that I am great at feeding and taking care of her, that I help support him by constantly telling him how wonderful he's doing. He also reminded me that being in a lot of pain makes every task that much harder. That keeping my calm is that much harder because I'm dealing with healing and pain management as well. It made me feel a lot better, though I still cried myself to sleep once they left.

Once dinner rolled around, about 7ish, we decided it was time to put Story in her crib and take a stab at acclimating her to night versus day. It was hard to hear her cry through the monitor, but it only lasted about 30 minutes before we heard her calm down and then it was quiet. She was actually sleeping! We both couldn't believe it. Even though she would only do it in a few hour spurts, she was beginning to get used to her crib! It was the first good turn of the night. Then, we started getting Trick or Treaters. Watching Tim's delight at giving them candy was awesome. It was also great to imagine next year, when I can take our little Story around for first Trick or Treating! I had my glass of wine and started to chill out a bit.

But I was still in so much pain. I could barely get up and down the stairs because of delaying my motrin. Tim finally looked at me and said, "you HAVE to start taking the percocet again, Brooke. I know you don't want to, but you've been so stressed and in so much pain since you stopped that you're breaking down and that's not good for any of us. Your ob/gyn gave you this on purpose, because it's better to manage your pain and be able to be a good mom than to deny medication and be miserable." I finally gave in and it was the best choice. Within an hour, I was feeling so much better and was totally unphased by Story's crying and could deal with her with compassion and kindness, instead of crying and self-blaming. I don't want to take these for too long, but at least for the next week like they suggested.

So, the night did end on a good note. Story slept in several 4 hour blocks through the night, she's happy and alert today, I've finally mastered cluster feeding and I feel refreshed and pain-free. I don't know if this will last, as it seems every time we have a pattern established with Story she changes it up, but I hope so! I feel like I made it through a really rough patch though and was able to learn some really good lessons about myself- I can't ignore doctor's orders because I think I should be some superwoman who can just live with pain. That doesn't make me a better wife or mother. And I have to be able to put Story in her crib and walk away sometimes. Monitors exist for a reason. And maybe what she needs is some alone time to decompress.

dear friends with babies

2008-10-31T16:00:00.002-04:00

When does the "baby crying all the time when it's awake" thing end? With Story, we're getting little ten minute- half hour bursts of inquisitive, cute baby, then hours of crying or hours of sleep. I'm just wondering for my own sanity, as we are in constant crying/sleeping land.

Thanks for any input :)

feeling not so cute

2008-10-28T23:43:00.002-04:00

During pregnancy, the weight you gain and the way your body changes is something seen as joyous, blossoming and beautiful. Your round, growing belly is a symbol of ripeness and new life. All the weight change and body morphing is a good thing.

What they don't tell you is that once you have given birth, you don't look un-pregnant. Your belly isn't flat, for the most part, and you aren't magically pre-pregnant looking. A lot of jokes and fun are made of how you'll "lose 20 lbs in the least amount of time ever, just by giving birth," but the truth is very, very different.

I'm struggling a lot with this transition body I have right now. Yes, it's been less than a week and I know, in my rational mind, that it's not reasonable to think I'd be closer to my pre-pregnant shape. But honestly, I had no clue I'd look five months pregnant after giving birth. My belly is going down little by little, but I still have a bit of a swell to it. My ankles and legs are still a bit swollen and I have stretch marks and a bit of loose skin at the bottom of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and don't see the hot, awesome mommy bod, but this odd, misshapen form that doesn't know what it wants to be yet, caught between a pregnancy form and my old, curvy self.

Clothes still don't fit right and, due to my c-section incision, I can't actually wear a lot of my maternity pants and skirts because they rub up on it. So, I'm relegated to the same four pairs of pants to alternate with my nursing tanks, all of which make me feel like a frumpy house-frau. I constantly feel like nothing fits and that I am stuck in the same boring clothes all the time. It sucks.

Now, the truth of this whole matter is that I will shrink back and be closer to my original self in time. The real deal is that I had a baby and a c-section, both of which are fairly dramatic and traumatic things to happen to my body and it will take more than a week to adjust to it. And the reasonable approach to this would be to be easy on myself and not get so frustrated with feeling like an unattractive, lumpy frump.

But I have to say that, though I know what makes sense in my mind, it's hard to reconcile right now. Especially when you see all these Hollywood moms who have a baby and are smokin' hot within weeks after. And I think that it's hard as a woman not to find yourself comparing yourself to those images of "perfect" women who go from round pregnancy body to hardbody in the blink of an eye.

I'm lucky that I have a hubby who adores me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. I wish I could have some of that confidence right now. But I'll admit that I'm finding myself in a state of "whose body IS this!" right now. I kind of want to just curl up and hide from the world.

Yes, in the end it's still worth it. I still look at Story every day and know that her awesomeness outshines any body issues I'm experiencing. But that doesn't make it tough to just want my old pre-baby body back, or something close to it.

OMG baby carriers

2008-10-27T23:05:00.002-04:00

Last night, Tim discovered that there are two things that Story loves.

*Rap Music
*Being carried around while daddy does chores.

The only problem was that daddy was having a helluva time balancing all of his chores and carrying her around. Whenever he'd put her down to go do something he needed both hands for, she'd start wailing all over again. If only there were SOME amazing invention that allowed him to carry her while doing the chores...

Tim mentioned to me that we should make sure we get a sling carrier of some sort and I was like, "UM we were given a baby bjorn type carrier from Chris and Val forever ago!" And he was like, "really? I don't remember that.." Well, just a few moments ago, Tim found it and is currently lugging Story around the house while doing some fun chores- moving dream dinners from the chest freezer into the fridge, working on laundry and who knows what else. There is no extreme wailing, no horrid crying. Sure, Story goes through phases of crying/deciding whether she likes the carrier, but nothing compared to last night.

Ok, seriously... who would have known that something so simple as a knock of baby bjorn could bring so much sanity to our little family? Damn I love this thing.

I can't wait until I'm healed enough to try it out! Oh man, just going on walks around the neighborhood would be awesome!

Other blogs... and FLICKR!

2008-10-27T21:14:00.002-04:00

Hello You Crazy Kids-

I wanted to point out that I have finally added links to my other blogs in the left sidebar. I've been bad and never linked all of my blogs together, so I figure it's time I did. So, if you're interested in non-baby posts or dance thoughts, you can find them over on the side.

And it's finally happened... we have started to post waves of disgustingly cute baby photos to Flickr.

Back to play our favorite game...

Why Is The Baby Crying?

:)

Nursing is tough stuff

2008-10-26T03:15:00.002-04:00

Nursing is really hard, or at least for me it is. I'm finding that it's so tough to make it work, especially b/c I have very limited positions right now due to my c-section incision. I can't sit upright extremely well, so the normal cross-body hold is tough to maneuver. But, like Tim Gunn says, I'm "making it work" any way I can.

Did you know that during the first few days of work, you're aiming to have your baby feed 8-12 times a day? That's a lot! We only got six yesterday, but I think we're going to hit the mark today. Already she's hit four feedings since midnight, so we're doing better!

And the nurse taught us the BEST trick ever!!! She gave us a syringe of sugar water that I use to drop on me and in Story's mouth while feeding. This is helping her to latch much better than before (she was oddly motor-boating it and just not fully getting it down every time. This caused her to start wailing like bloody murder!) We've found this to be a great tool to get her to latch and she's already starting to get it without the syringe now. YAY for women's wisdom!

And I made more progress in the last hour- I was able to walk down the hall to the "kitchen" and refill my own water/ice. It doesn't seem like much, but it was a huge triumph for me. I've barely been able to walk around our room, so it was great to get down the hall! And I'm wearing more "normal" clothes, like a nursing tank and a pair of palazzo pants, so I'm feeling more like myself every moment.

Though it's so weird to see how I look five months preggo, still. It's gonna take a while for the belly to settle down a bit again, I know that. But I have to admit it makes me feel porky and unattractive. Thank goodness for hubby who tells me I'm pretty all the time :)

too precious

2008-10-26T00:03:00.001-04:00

Story LOVES her daddy's snoring. She's on his chest right now, awake and totally fascinated by him. Every time he snores, she touches and strokes his beard in appreciation.

:)

about the buddha

2008-10-25T16:26:00.001-04:00

The doctors LIE my friends, they LIE!

Though by no means small, our Story was not the 9lbs predicted! Story was a "mere" 7lbs 15 ounces at birth! We think they overestimated b/c they were feeling her big butt down near my cervix and were mistaking it for a head, causing them to misinterpret her weight.

So there ya go!

The story of Story

2008-10-25T13:03:00.002-04:00

Story Brooke Pumplin was born on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 in a set of bizarre and zany circumstances. Could you expect anything less from our girl? Here's the, ahem, story...

I woke up at 5:45 ish on Thursday morning with false labor contractions. I didn't know they were false at the time, but when they continued to be erratic and didn't intensify, I figured they were bunk. Tim said to me, "I know this is going to come back to kick me in the ass, but I don't think these are the real deal. She isn't coming today."

This is the point in which it is important to note that you should never NEVER engage yourself in a battle of wits against me. I will seriously win every time. I looked at him and said, "oh no. No she's coming out TODAY."

So, Tim left for work and I decided to stay home and wait things out. My contractions felt really hard and all, but all of a sudden petered off. Even though it felt like the time was past and that she was destined to be in there until Monday's ultimate induction eviction, I still was determined in my mind to get her out.

In order to do this, I decided to take a walk up to Starbucks for a hot cocoa. I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door, wrapped in my favorite shawl against the new bite in the air. All along the way, I looked like a crazy person as I talked at my belly, giving Story the pep talk.

"dear Story. You are coming out TODAY, here me. Today. You've had long enough in there and mommy is really ready to meet you. I want you to come into this world safely, but I want you out today. AND if you come out today, well I'll spoil you extra, because it would mean that mommy would beat daddy in a battle of wits, which is very very important." I changed my destination en-route, deciding that going to the library to check out a book for reading while in the hospital was certain to add more weight behind my "this kid is coming today" determination.

When I got home, I began getting very intense contractions that were only about 6 minutes apart. I decided to drink some water and lay down on the couch (for those not preggo/who haven't been there before, a lot of false labor is chalked up to dehydration... so they tell you to drink a lot of water and lie down when you start having contractions.) About forty five minutes later, I feel a swift kick (which puzzled me, b/c it should have been a head-butt... get to that soon) to my cervix and a POP! as my water breaks. I immediately stood up and felt warm gushes of fluid soak my yoga pants. I ran upstairs, started a shower to clean myself up (now certain we were in long-haul city) and called Timmers. I said to him, "my water just broke. GET HERE," and hung up.

I then took one of the longest and hottest showers of my life, scrubbing myself silly and using every frilly, girly potion I could find. I had heard from my friend Casey that she did this and it was a good idea. Because once you go in for a delivery, you're there for at least a day or so without being able to really shower. And I like being clean!

I also went into extremely focused "get stuff done" mode. I packed blankets, pillows, grabbed my amniotic fluid soaked pants in case they wanted to test them in L&D to confirm a rupture and grabbed other essential items I might need that weren't already packed in the car. The intensity and focus was amazing, as I went on auto-pilot prepping for delivery. The only annoying thing were the starving kitties who kept flanking me and meowing at the top of their lungs, usually during contractions. I warned the kitties that pestering a woman having intense contractions was NOT the way to prolong their kitty lives, but they weren't having it. I called Tim again to say, "where are you. I can't find the extra cat food. I am going to KILL these cats if you don't get here soon, Ow OW OWWW!"

Then Tim got home and we rushed out to Labor and Delivery, calling the doctor on call as well as my mom/sister on the way. I told Tim to call his parents, but we totally got wrapped in the moment and didn't call them until Story was here. SIGH. Anyways, back to it, we arrived at L&D to find my friend Miss Helen working the desk. Oddly enough, her first words to me were, "did you get my email, honey?" (I was redesigning the birth certificates for her, LOL) I told her I was in labor, then continuted to have an intense contraction at the desk and they took me to check my rupture. This means taking a litmas swap and using it on your wet panties, very very classy. It came up blue, meaning I was a rupture, so they prepped a room for me. I then had another really crazy contraction right as a tour full of expectant parents rolled through. I'd be lying if I said I didn't LOVE looking at their horror-filled faces as I yelled/OMed in pain.

Then we got put in our room and met up with Nisleen, our doula. I stripped down and put on my gown, getting ready for delivery. They called in my doc to have her do a pelvic exam and we all settled into what we were sure would be hours of long labor/delivery. Then, the doc comes in to check my cervix for progress and says,"hmm... that doesn't feel right. I need to do an ultrasound on you." She comes back and lo and behold, our girl is breech. She then says,"I'm suggesting you have a C Section." In a split second I agreed, because I couldn't dream of putting Story in harm. Thus started the cokctail of drugs to stop my contractions, pain meds to help me wait for an OR to open up and everything feeling like it was whirring past me, out of control.

I know it's cheesy as hell, but all I could think of was yoga, the yoke, the way. Sometimes you have to just surrender yourself to the way and go where it takes you, without question. My mind just said, "this is how it's going to be done and you're gonna be fine. Just let go." So I did.

I went from having a natural childbirth to a C-Section with a spinal block. I was taken to the OR, tim in scrubs, and given a spinal block that made me numb from the chest down. I was laid back Jesus-style and strapped down at three points- across my legs and each arm. A sheet was pulled up so I couldn't see the procedure, though I was wide awake. The awesome staff played Motown music and I cracked jokes about the whole situation- "If you guys are gonna have this sheet up, shouldn't you put on a puppet show or SOMETHING???!" I went from what I felt would be an intimate, serene setting birth to a whole team operating to get the daughterling out safely. It was odd, but it's just the way it had to be.

So, what IS it like to have a baby cut out of you? Fascinating, frightening and funny. I could feel all this pulling and pressure as they cut into my fat layer, spread aside my abdominals (yes I could feel that act via pressure) and then cut into my uterus. I could literally feel them shimmy her out of the womb, even the POP sensation as the got her unstuck from up under my ribs. I could feel the shuffling as they put me back together. It was so odd.

One other odd thing I should mention is that I had a case of ventricular tachycardia after I saw Story for the first time. It was really freaky at the time and made me feel all sorts of scary. The anesthesiologist gave me some drugs that counteracted it and all ended well. I've since had a battery of vascualr tests, all of which have come out just fine. They think this was a one time, random incident, probably brought on by the stress of the situation. But it was WAY scary.

Well, the rest is history, as they say. They pulled her out, tim got to go while they cleaned her up and did her Apgar tests and, after my weird cross with a potentially fatal case of ventricular tachycardia, I was brought to recovery with Tim and Story. One weird fact- most women shake for a while after pregnancy on account of the stress of the situation. My body temp was down to 95.5, I shook like crazy and I was all sorts of out of it. They gave me some demerol to stop the shaking and finally I started to feel a little more human.

Since then, I have gone through lots of pain, moments of decreased dignity, feeling defeated and terrible as a parent b/c I'm so limited in what I can do b/c of the C Section and worrying about my heart scare. But in the past day I've gotten a lot more comfy and have been told that my heart tests came back fine, so hopefully all is well from here on out as far as things go.

I have to take one moment to shout out how wonderful Tim is as a parent. Beyond wonderful, astounding. He has this amazing way with Story and is such a good soother. Also, he has fearlessly stepped up and taken on all of the major baby tasks I can't help him with yet due to my c section- he changes her dirty diapers, burps her, walks her around, swaddles her. He's just fabulous. Little by little I can do more and more, but I'm so glad to have married the best person ever. Good job, me.

And as for Story, she is the greatest and best thing I and Tim have ever done together. She is beautiful, funny, surprising, thoughtful, affectionate and joyful. She is just too amazing to believe. She is more than I ever thought I could hope for and just too WOW to put into words.

Ok, I have to go now as I tire of being separated from her. BYES! Updates later.

omg

2008-10-23T17:48:00.000-04:00

water broke about 1/2 hour ago. Off to L&D we go!

damn contractions HURT!

Induction Scheduled!

2008-10-23T14:36:00.002-04:00

Well kids, the daughterling will be here, come hell or high water, by Monday. I just got off the phone with the surgical scheduler at my hospital and they're going to induce me on Monday at 5:30 a.m. if the daughterling isn't here by then. I'm still hoping she comes of her own volition, but I'd much rather induce her Monday and get my doc (the one that delivered me into this world) than wait until later on in the week and get some other doctor I may not even know. Also, I'm hoping to avoid a C-section by inducing her while she's just around 9lbs than waiting until she's even bigger and risking it down the road.

This has been hard for me, as I really wanted to have a nautral/non intervention birth. But you know, I'm coming to peace with it. I really think it's what's best for her, to get her into this world safely, so I gotta do it.

BUT HOPEFULLY I will walk her out before then! Send me good vibes!

d'oh...

2008-10-23T12:05:00.004-04:00

Well, it looks like my contractions petered out. I'm still getting one here and there, but nothing to write home about. They've lost their regularity, so I'm not in active labor.

BLECH :(

I'm still hanging around the house just in case. I figure that if I go an hour or more without a single contraction, then I'll head back in to work.

La is coming over for lunch in a minute, then I'm going on a walk to see if I can walk her out. The one neat thing is that she's definitely descended due to this morning's fun. I can feel her sitting much lower in my pelvis.

I'll keep everyone posted if things pick up again.

don't freak out.. but maybe...

2008-10-23T09:01:00.001-04:00

I've been having contractions since about 5:45 am, 8-10 minutes apart, about 45 sec-1 minute in length. These could just be false labor, since they're not at 5 min apart for an hour yet. But MAN I hope this is it.

I had a talk with the daughterling last night and told her we need to be done with this... so maybe she is listening, who knows?

Anyways, it could be nothing and probably is since I had barely any progress yesterday... but cross your fingers for me!

BIG buddha baby, please come out

2008-10-22T14:35:00.002-04:00

Dear Daughterling-

I just came back from the doctor and he says you're currently around 9lbs.

OK, let's be honest here. I know this is because while other gals were getting sick all the time and barely eating a thing, you and I seemed to be able to load up on all the food we could find. While those wussy babies were barely gaining any bulk and keeping their trim physique, you and I were delighting in fatty foods, cheeseburgers, fruit galore, ice cream and protein smoothies. Because we're not chumps and we're not quitters. You and I know a thing or two about being strong, awesome gals.

But maybe we overdid it?

I mean 9lbs. WHOA.

Please come out soon,

Your Mom

---------------------

So, the baby update is as follows:

I will be getting a call in the next two days from my doc's office to schedule an induction. Because she is so huge, they will not allow me to go past 41 weeks. Honestly, I'm fine with that. I don't want to go on much longer, myself. It's getting to be really hard and painful to get around, so I'm fine with getting her out. SURE I didn't want to be induced, but I trust my doctors when they tell me she's huge. She FEELS so weighty. And the doc was adamant about how inducing me was better than letting me go to 42 weeks and needing a C-section. That I agree with as well.

So, within the next week, I will definitely have my baby. I'll let you all know when I find out the induction day! I'm still hoping she comes naturally, but we'll see!

3 Days to due date... meh

2008-10-22T09:50:00.002-04:00

I am so very tired. It feels like I just couldn't expand any more and that the daughterling is soooo huge, she just needs to come out. I am all sorts of exhausted as sleep is pretty much doing nothing for me (I'm still lucky enough to get like 6 hours most nights, but I wake up so many times in between that it's more like an hour or two here and there at a go.)

Everyone at work who sees me keeps joking that I have that "so ready to go" look on my face. It's totally true. I have my doc appointment today and I'm just praying that they say I'm on my way to being done. I'm not down with induction or anything, unless they tell me the baby is somehow in jeopardy/needs to come out... but MAN it would be like Christmas if the doc was like, "you're about ready to have this baby in a few days." Sigh... oh please oh please oh please.

For the time being, I just need to focus on work and trying to be as productive as I can. It's really hard not to check out/want to fall asleep in my office.

Cross your fingers for me! New update after doc's appointment.

what DO contractions feel like?

2008-10-19T17:49:00.003-04:00

If there's anything I've learned in this crazy thing called pregnancy, it's that our society has a huge expectation that women are "natural" mothers. By this I mean that we're expected to just know what all of pregnancy is like. There's no in-depth explanation guides, no dictionary-of-pregnancy per se or collective knowledge base. There is nothing scientific, no easy-answer font of wisdom where we can go to get clear cut answers or definitions.

Sure, there are TONS of books, online pregnancy sites and a million different "methods" that they try to market to us. But what I find over and over again is that none of these things are willing to give a definitive answer to anything. Instead, I find myself with scores of other women online trying to find collective answers, timidly asking about things we feel ashamed we don't know about.

What are contractions like? How do you know if you're having them?

What's the difference between effacement and dilation? Do they even mean anything in terms of labor?

How do you detect a decrease in fetal movement? What are kick counts? Should I do them?

What does it feel like when the baby "drops?"

The fact of the matter is that pregnancy is so bizarre, unpredictable and different for everyone. And I think that this randomness should be openly shared with women. We should all know that pregnancy, labor and its features are not something every woman should be expected to know every little facet of by instinct alone. And honestly, no book or guide will fully educate or prepare you. It's a complicated and interesting process that can be just as chaotic as it is scientific. I get really annoyed thinking of all of the books and gimmick "methods" out there that prey upon our fears of sucking as mothers, of doing something "wrong" to make money.

So, I've decided to share my knowledge for whatever that's worth over the next week. It may not apply for any of my friends that have had babies or are going to in the future, but it's free! And maybe through my experience, friends that come after me will be a bit less confused than I've been.

First up is contractions. I've heard a bunch of different descriptions of contractions, with everything from them being crazy, intense and awful to women who don't even realize they're having real ones until it's nearly go time for delivery. For me, I've been feeling more intense contractions lately, though I'm not sure if they're "real" ones versus Braxton-Hicks.

Braxton-Hicks for me feel like my belly getting hard and stiff. They don't hurt at all, nor do I notice them most of the time. They just seem to happen and have no rhythm, rhyme or reason to them. They feel like a balloon being fully inflated- they still have a tiny bit of give, but are mostly hard.

As for more intense contractions, mine feel like they start with my belly getting hard, then I start to feel discomfort and tightening that spreads from my back all the way to my belly button and ending in my lower abs. They're not really regular or extremely painful yet, just not comfy. And they make me stop what I"m doing and pay attention. I can't really talk or concentrate. I have to breathe til they're done. Then it's on to life as usual.

For friends that have had babies, how does my description compare to yours? I'm really interested to know what it's like for others.

8 days?? REALLY?

2008-10-17T13:48:00.002-04:00

There are officially 8 days until my due date. What does that mean? Not much of anything, per se. But it's still surreal. The idea that way back in February when I found out I was pregnant set me hundreds of days out and now they have dwindled down to just about a week before the due date is astounding. So much growth has happened for me. Both Tim and myself have experienced so many awesome things and gone through so many ups and downs... it's just unbelievable. And to know that this is just the start of a whole other person joining our family is so cool, I can't even tell you.

I think I've also gotten a hold of myself nerve wise and it's time to take a healthier approach to the waiting game. I have to focus on what I can do to stay occupied and not let myself fall into anxious/over excitable hermit time. So, for this weekend I plan on going out for dinner with a small group of chums for Tim/My joint birthday and then spending the rest of the weekend doing some knitting and scrapbooking I've been putting off. I'm also going to try to go for a walk around the neighborhood to take in the brisk, beautiful air. Maybe a little basic yoga on the mat in the backyard, too.

I need to make sure I continue spending time with friends and not acting like every day I have to be uber prepared, lest it be THE BIG DAY. The daughterling will come when she's ready and there's no point in me trying to prepare for or control that.

only 1 cm...

2008-10-15T10:42:00.002-04:00

Just got back and I'm only at 1cm dilated. The doc says that means he'd put me at "July if this were baseball season." That means that I'm starting to travel towards labor/birth, but it's not like it's about to happen in a few days or so.

He then brought up the dreaded words I didn't want to hear...

At your next appointment, we'll discuss what you want to do if you go past your due date.

Oh man.. oh man... I don't want to go past too much. First of all, I don't want to lose money by leaving work on the 24th, only to have her come a few weeks late. I don't even have enough leave to cover fully the 28 day period between when I leave work and when the maternity disability kicks in, let alone the daughterling possibly coming a few weeks late. It's just so frustrating.

I mean, I understand that babies are gonna come when they're gonna come. But it's getting really hard to be preggo anymore and having the doc bring up me going past due just made me want to cry.

winding down

2008-10-15T07:12:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to detach from a lot of things in life, with the impending daughter just a little over a week away (or so, who knows when babies decide to come out.) My mom told me it's major nesting and proof that the daughterling will be here soon. I've always been hokey for folk wisdom, so I'm hoping she's right.

It's already been weeks since I've danced and taken a yoga class, both of which I think were good ideas for me. The physical limitations I'm experiencing at this point are astounding. They're not terrible, but I certainly won't be too sad when this is over. I am having daydreams about the simple things like shirts that fit over my belly, being able to fit into restaurant booths, having a glass of wine, being able to carry the daughter however I choose (not just attached on my front), buying and wearing a pair of cute shoes... let's just say the cuteness has worn off.

On a different note, I'm finding a lot of anxiety mixing in about actually having her here. I'm worried about her getting here safely, I'm worried about sucking at taking care of her, I'm worried about my healing process, I'm worried about childcare. Should I worry about these things? Not really! I've taken classes at parenting and whatnot, so I have at least a small amount of knowledge there, she's past full term, so she should be fine to get outta dodge, I have a childcare provider picked out... so there's really not much to freak out about. But I AM freaked out. Sigh.

Because of this, I'm trying to force myself to do things, to get out and not sit at home and keep stewing in all this restlessness and anxiety. Tonight is Dream Dinners night, so that will be a fun time with hubby to get prepared for the daughter. And we're trying to plan some stuff for this weekend, so it should be full of distraction.

I'm having my appointment and getting "checked" this morning (the doc will see what how effaced I am and if my cervix is dilated, which can foreshadow how far away I am from labor.) I'm crossing my fingers that they tell me I'm either on-time or possibly sooner.

but yeah... you can come any time you want, girl.

38 weeks...

2008-10-12T16:42:00.002-04:00

I am 38 weeks preggo as of yesterday and am feeling every minute of it. I now understand why I've heard so many of the pregnant women on my message board start to say, "ok, baby can come ANY DAY it wants, now," after they hit the 38 week mark. There is something about being full term that really puts the desire to get the baby out in your blood.

The first thing that makes my urgency set in is the change in mobility. Especially in the past few weeks, I am feeling so exhausted and immobile. Getting in and out of bed is a chore, all of my joints ache, I am experiencing a lot of pain in my lower abdominals from how low the baby is now and I can't seem to do anything to contribute to the order of our household anymore. I can't do dishes for more than ten minutes without bad back pain, I can't pick up clutter off the floor. I just feel useless. It feels like the only thing I can do is laundry, which I am doing in mass amounts. But even walking around the neighborhood for more than ten minutes makes me tired, grumpy, pained and knocks my self esteem down. And forget dancing. Even yoga is tough at this point, when I work up the esteem to even try. It's depressing.

I'm so lucky that I'm married to an awesome person who helps me out with everything, but sometimes that makes it worse. I feel bad even complaining about my life since he waits on me like a princess lately, doing almost all of the chores and still telling me how pretty I am all the time- and meaning it. Seriously, I won at this life partnter thing. He's hot, he's funny AND he takes on all the domestic duties without guilt tripping me when I'm too big to do anything...

I did accomplish one big thing yesterday, though. I went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday and was able to make it until about 4 p.m. or so! Sure, we had to sit for a bunch of shows and I had to take a lot of breaks, but I made it. And I tried to keep myself in good spirits, in spite of myself. It was so beautiful out, with the fall colors changing and the smell of fall in the air. And it was great to walk around with Tim and amuse ourselves with looking at all the little girls and wondering what our daughter will be like- Will she want to dress up like that little princess over there? Will she be more of a tomboy like that little girl with the sword? Will she be gregarious or shy? Who will she like better, me or Tim? It was also awesome imagining bringing her with us to fest next year and buying he silly baby moccasins.

The other thing that makes me want this baby out is the excitement of seeing her. She's so big right now that when she moves I can see everything, it's like rolling waves in my tummy. It's the coolest thing ever, but it also makes me want to see her so darned badly! I want to know exactly what her face looks like, how big those hands and feet that keep pummeling me are, if her butt is really as big as it feels when she leans on me... it's just so cool. I look around her room, put away her clothes and just keep waiting for her to be here. It's like you have this whole picture that's only waiting for one last element and you can't wait for th eissing piece to be there. Sigh, the anticipation.

So, these things combined make me ready for her to get here. I think the next few weeks will be unbearable.

grrrrrrrrrrr

2008-10-08T16:46:00.003-04:00

Dear People-

It is NOT COOL to be around a pregnant lady if you know you're sick. Seriously uncool, in fact. If you know you've got a cold, a fever, the flu, etc. than do your preggos a favor and steer clear.

In case you don't know this, preggos have a weakened immune system. That means we get sick more easily. That means that if you hang around us for any extended period of time there is a good chance we'll get the same ill crap that you have.

In the early stages of pregnancy, docs can be kind of funny about this b/c the fetus is undergoing such great developmental changes that having a fever can cause all sorts of issues. Later on in pregnancy, it just makes you feel like crap when you're already swollen, huge and grumpy. So just don't do it.

This message inspired by me finding out that the temp I was training was sick her first day here, hanging around me for close to a full eight hours. Now, as I write this post, I am feeling sick and gross. Grrrrr... thanks a lot gal!

To her credit, she says she only noticed it near the end of the day. But still! I told her that she should have let me know as soon as she felt ill so I could send her home. Now, I've got the sickness.

The end..

Brooke

Final Preparations

2008-10-06T07:03:00.002-04:00

As of Saturday, I am full term. That means that our daughterling can come anytime in the next few weeks and she'd be fine to survive outside the womb. Her body is fully developed and is now just refining itself- putting on more fat, practicing breathing, using her little muscles for kicking and punching, etc. It's really cool to know that we've made this milestone, though it also puts the preparation instinct into full swing.

One of the biggest things is out of the way, though! Tim's parents were so kind and took us to get our travel system (stroller, car seat, car units for strapping in the seat.) I was getting so worried about not having this in time, because they do not let you out of the hospital without the car seat and since we're getting close here, I've been worried about going into labor without one. Anyways, they were dears and went with us to Babies R Us yesterday and were generous enough to buy it for us. Seriously alleviated more stress.

The other thing we did yesterday was put up our vinyl graphics in the nursery. I know it sounds silly and unnecessary, but I really wanted to do some cool decorating in her room. We already purchased an awesome bird-on-a-leaf graphic that goes behind the crib, so I had this thought about making her room a kind of cool play environment. So I designed some fluffly rain clouds and had them made by one of the vendors I use at work. Tim, being the ultimate husband, installed them yesterday and the room looks SO COOL. The only things we have left to do are install a shelf for books/nursing supplies and we're set!

Of course, one of the most important things I have to do is still undone- packing the hospital bag. I have to remember to bring my work bag home and pack it full of stuff- props/tools for natural birth, our birth "plan," a night gown/clothes to wear after birth, going home clothes/blanket for the baby, snacks, take out menus for local places near the hospital, a book each for Tim and I... basically it's like packing for a weekend trip. Most people do this at 30 weeks or so, but I'm the ultimate procrastinator. Sigh... I know what I'm up to tonight!

Ok, time to go to work! Signing off!

uh oh... we're in trouble!

2008-10-04T09:16:00.004-04:00

I went to the doctor yesterday for my weekly appointment. These consist of me demonstrating all of my amazing preggo tricks- peeing on command, stepping on a scale triumphantly ignoring my weight gain, sitting for blood pressure tests. All pretty standard.

Then, the doc "weighed" the baby. This is done by pressing on my belly and feeling how much room the baby takes up and using Jedi skills to interpret how big the child is. He did his poking around, then says to me...

doc: so, how big were you when you were born, again?
me: seven pounds, four ounces.
doc: hmmm... what about your sister? (my doc delivered me/is a family friend, so he's known Kim for a long time, too)
me: she was over nine pounds.
doc: well. I'll tell you, she's weighing in the early 7s right now and you still have a bit to go.
me: what?
doc: yeah, seven pounds. Now, I don't know anything, but if I did... I'd wager that she's going to be in the high 8s by the time she shows up.
me: whoa. well, I'm a big girl, so I don't think that should be a problem.
doc: brooke, you can play on my team any day.

So yes, our gal is big. She is big and strong and is gonna be one big baby when she gets here. Which rules...

Although... I think I need to invest in more 3-6 month clothing :)

Dear Daughterling

2008-09-29T14:19:00.002-04:00

I put off having you for so long, because I felt like I needed the time to be perfect- I'd have a great job, your dad and I would own a house you could grow into, I'd feel we were financially stable enough to provide for you, I'd be mature enough to be the best parent I possibly could be, the world would be safer, the economy would be stable and everything would fall into place, ensuring you the least amount of stress, worry or care.

Well, if any of us waited in this world for the optimal environment for having children, the planet would be barren and left to the monkeys to deal with.

It's with an odd chuckle that I realize you're coming into this world in a time of tremendous upheaval. Our economy is totally shot (they just announced today that a bill that would bail out Wall Street, which is this big money making place you'll learn about some day, isn't passing and the world is freaking out), we're in a state of flux in the Middle East, Russia hates us, a lot of the world hates us, for that matter, big financial institutions and banks are going under, the housing market is tanked, global warming is rapidly changing our climate, many people are without jobs and we're in the midst of a historical election that will take place just days after you arrive on the scene.

But for all this, I don't think you could possibly show up at a better time. Because having you in such a time as this means that, with the whole world seemingly stacked against itself, there's nowhere to go but up. And, as is said in a very cheesy Disney movie mommy loves, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare." So it's odd to know that in a time where I'd usually be freaking out about everything and wanting to hide under a rock, I'm finding myself smiling like crazy and being extremely excited... all because of you.

And you know what, too? I went back and did some checking around and you know what? The world was pretty crazy when I was born, too. I just don't think there's ever a perfect time for any of us to come into this world. Or maybe, anytime is a perfect time for us to come into this world.

Anyways, you'll be here soon and more than likely everything will still be crazy, unsolved, undecided and up-in-the-air. But that's OK. I think you'll like it here anyways. Even though everything seems crazy now, the world is full of awesome things that make times like these drift from our memories as we grow older.

Like ice cream. Man, you're gonna LOVE ice cream.

See you soon,

Love yo momma.

birth companions, check!

2008-09-28T16:18:00.002-04:00

I totally forgot that today was the day Tim and I were slated to meet our birth companions. For those who are like, "what the heck are birth companions?" I'll explain. Birth companions, or doulas, are trained professionals who serve as advocates and support to the mother and her partner during birth. They fulfill many roles, from communicating your birth wishes to your nursing staff and doctor (whether or not you want interventions/drugs, whether you'd like to labor in various positions, if you intend to breast feed or not, etc.) as well as being mental support during birth. They don't take the place of doctors or nurses, they're just like having personal birthing assistants.

For our birth, Tim and I are participating in the Johns Hopkins Birth Companions program, which is a free service to help nursing students get doula training. It's beneficial for both them and us, as we couldn't normally afford a doula and they get to experience our birth and count it towards their training. So we're all sort of learning as we go along.

We met our doulas today and they're great gals. Both are young, fun and very well educated (I was expecting they might be shaky or scared, but they were both so well composed and relaxed. I actually asked if they'd attended births before because they seemed so calm.) They helped me to understand their role, as well as what Tim and I were looking for in our birth. We're trying to go for an all natural, intervention-free birth, but I'd also like to be able to get medication if I change my mind. We chatted with them for about a half hour and I felt totally great with our decision. They were very surprised with my own planning and knowledge, as well as Tim's calm nature and his knowledge/expectations for birth. I think this is going to be an amazing and good experience.

Now, I just have to think of a "safe word" to use that means I really, honestly want meds. Tim suggested, "paladin," muhahaha.

my amazing sister`

2008-09-28T16:03:00.002-04:00

Many of my friends know this already, but I have just about the best sister on Earth. Seriously, you may think your sister is better, but she's not. My sister, indeed, is the best.

My sister is not only smart, pretty and one of the funniest people I know, but she's also one of the most generous. Though she pretends to be a heartless Republican, she is really a giant softy who would do anything for the people she loves. There, I have exposed her secret.

She took Tim and I out yesterday and literally got us everything else we could possibly need for our daughter besides the stroller (which we are asking for some family help with.) With my niece in tow, we went on a baby shopping spree at Target. She bought us a pack-n-play, monitors, cute clothes and booties, a freaky jungle themed baby play set (I say "freaky" because it has a "friendly giraffe" toy as part of the set that really weirded my sister out, but I love), all sorts of bottles and breast feeding accessories, a first aid kit, blankies and, best of all, a Redskins cheerleader baby set (this is funny as I'm more of a Ravens fan, but the daughter can now be dressed up for hanging out with Aunt Kim on game day.) She totally didn't have to be so generous, but I'm glad she was. I have SO MUCH less stress now, I can't even tell ya. I look around the daughter's room and say... "YES. We could have her soon and everything would be fine."

Now, my sister would say that she is only being so nice because she had MY daughter (my niece and I are kindred spirits) and my daughter will, therefore, be a little conservative Republican like her. She jokes that it's because our daughter will be just like her and she's investing in her future.

But I know the truth... it's because she's the best sister in the world.

So, could you go at like, ANY DAY?

2008-09-25T07:07:00.002-04:00

There are some things that you just shouldn't say to a pregnant woman. For the life of me I DON'T KNOW why they're not just common sense, but they're not. I have had more than my share of people say things to me as I began to look more and more pregnant that I just don't understand how they think they're appropriate or welcome.

These include:

"So, any day now, huh!" (if you say this to a woman who has more than one week left before her due date, she'll give you laser stabby-eyes, more than likely. Because it sucks for someone to A) Say they think you're big B) Remind you that you have WEEKS left of discomfort.)

"You have X weeks left? Wow, are you sure you're not having TWINS!" (I don't know how anyone thinks this is cute or acceptable to say. People know very early on now if they're having twins and they'll tell you if they are. Again, calling someone big is rude. I think we pregnant women should counter with,"No, no twins for me. But man you ass is HUGE. Are you gaining weight?")

"From the looks of you, he/she is gonna be a big baby!" (OK, I get there is some weird cultural thing that lauds big, fat, healthy babies. But again, comments like this just make a girl feel huge AND you may acutally be bringing up a hard issue. If a woman has been told by her doc she's measuring behind or the baby isn't gaining enough weight, you have more than likely just opened up a very hard can of worms. Good job, tactolicious!)

and, for my final one...

"God... it must be terrible to be so pregnant in X weather!" (I know you think you're commiserating, but after the 1 millionth time of someone pointing out how miserable you must be because of a climate you cannot change, it gets old and annoying. I seriously want to look people in the eye and say, "Oh wow.. YEAH I HADN'T noticed! Gawd, if you hadn't brought up that it was broiling out there since I was 30 weeks pregnant, I just wouldn't of even thought of it. Man, this IS uncomfortable, WOW!")

Nice things that are always welcome in my book are:

"You look beautiful today." (you don't have to mention The Glow. Please don't, in fact.)

"You are carrying your pregnancy wonderfully! You look great." (even if you don't mean it, it's nice to think we don't look like inflated blueberries.)

"Girl, you look hot!" (it's nice to not be called "cute" all the time.)

Just remember that the whole world seems to think that pregnant women are public property- we get touched, manhandled, talked at by crazy strangers constantly, asked our due date about five million times a day, our food choices are openly scrutinized by family, friends and strangers and given parenting advice we don't want. So be kind to us and, once in a while, try not to act like our personalities and all of our lives revolve around being pregnant/a mother. We were individuals with all sorts of hobbies, passions, fears and hopes before getting pregnant. Just because we're pregnant now doesn't mean we still aren't those same people. We don't throw off the mantle of numerous years on this earth and brainwash ourselves once we get a positive on a pee stick.

ups and downs

2008-09-23T15:54:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling like a caged bird lately. I've gotten to that big stage of pregnancy and it's making me feel all sorts of restless and burdensome. I want to go out, be social, enjoy the fall weather that's rolling in and make the best of the last few weeks I have of being pregnant. But instead I find myself being unable to go on walks for more than 1/2 hour before the back pain kicks in, feeling tired and grumpy again and feeling lonely. I don't really have anyone in my friend circle that is having a baby right now, so I don't have a comrade to talk to. I can't do the things I normally love to do in fall: go on long walks with the hubby, buy sweaters and fall boots, drink spicy mulled spiked cider and red wine or be out and about, enjoying the crisp, clean air. Instead, I feel like a cloistered wife whose seen WAY too much of the insides of her own home lately.

That, paired with the fact that my beloved cat died last week (hit by a car) and that I found out one of my close family members has Parkinson's and is on the decline means that I'm feeling depressed, angry, helpless and exhausted. This fall is already starting off so rough, when it should be a time of happiness and excitement over the daughterling. Instead, I feel restless and desperate for change.

I also feel like all of these things combined make me question everything. I feel scared again that I'll suck as a parent. I'm worried that I can't even manage my own life (lord I have to use a carabiner for my keys or I'd lose them all the time), let alone this little person that will depend on me. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing or cursing too much or just not being good enough to do everything right. I'm scared I won't know what to do when the baby comes or that I'll be so full of cabin fever that I'll be miserable on maternity leave.

Hell,I'm scared of getting her out!

Now, not to be a Negative Nancy or anything... there are some good things going on. Like the fact that the nursery is pretty much set up and I'm feeling good about bringing her home. Actually, I find myself sitting in the empty nursery all the time, smiling to myself like a dork. Because I just imagine her there, imagine what life will be like with her here and it's so exciting. I also imagine taking her out for walks and visits, watching her grow and listening to the crazy noises she'll make. I imagine spending fall with her, walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the holidays and seeing what she really looks like. I swear, having a kid is like knowing you got the best X-mas gift in the world, ever, under the tree and you're not allowed to open it for MONTHS. It's that good and frustrating and awesome.

I just feel like I'm treading water right now. I know it'll pass and all will be well, but it's so hard, this last month of waiting. I'm so ansy and just ready for her to be here. I know it'll come soon enough, but I've always been too impatient for my own good.

eep cloth diapering

2008-09-14T15:51:00.004-04:00

Lord, there is SO MUCH to learn as far as cloth diapering goes. I can understand now why so many people go the way of disposables, because it's way easier to just buy and toss than to learn the intricacies of absorbency rates, diaper covers, cover types, pocket diapers, all-in-ones (AIOs) and pre-washing.

But we have a saying in Brooke and Tim land:

It's not about what's easy, it's about what's right.

And what's right is not creating piles and piles of plastic diapers in landfills that will take 300 years to biodegrade. What's right is not bringing someone into this world to a large burden of ecological waste. Sure, we do enough damage in our day-to-day lives and I know that I've made my negative impacts on the world. I'm sure I'll continue to do so in the future. But my desire is LESS of a negative impact. The more I reuse/cut out of my life, the better and better I leave the planet.

(stands down from soapbox)

In light of this, I have just completed my second buy of cloth diapering stuff. I have spent a modest amount on a pail, pail liner, two wet bags, 24 prefolded diapers in infant size (though I have to admit, they look a bit big) and some diaper covers of various sorts. I'm planning on trying out prefolds/covers for the first three months or so, then maybe switching to pocket/AIOs from there on out. I'm trying out some BumGenius (har har) one size diapers and, if those work well, I'll continue to use them throughout little daughterling's diapering experience.

I have to admit that it's scary, looking at the amount you spend on start-up for this. BUT I calculated what I would of spent on throwaways, and I'm still saving in the long run. Not staggering amounts, but it's nice to save money AND be nice to the environment, so there you go.

And I told Tim that if we have more than one of the little buggers, then it will be more than worth the moolah to reuse this stuff.

EEP parish the thought! Could I go through this all again?

Maybe. I've always wanted two kids max, though. Stay tuned.

33 Weeks- Big Adult Purchases

2008-09-07T16:13:00.002-04:00

I have reached the 33 week point, which means I only have about 7 weeks or so to go. That's less than two months and, though it's not some significant number by any medical standard, for some reason it's a milestone for me. For some reason, finding myself with less than two months left to go feels like I'm on the part of the rollercoaster where I've hit the apex of the hill and can just feel that pull downwards. I know that everything will whirl by from here.

Tim and I just got back from Babies R Us after having made major purchases that solidify the impending parenthood- we bought our crib and dresser/changing table set. After much searching/scoping out online, I picked a few sets that got great reviews as far as wear and tear go, as well as a crib that converts into a toddler bed. We didn't break the bank or anything (it's amazing to me how expensive cribs/kid's bedroom sets are... OMG it's as much if not more than adult beds in most cases), but I feel like we got the best set for our money.

Behold, the pretties:

and the changing table (we got one to match the crib above, but they don't have that color online, so I'm posting the "natural" one)

We had to order these in store (that's the way it goes at BRU, I guess), so it'll be a week or more before we can pick them up. I'm just so excited. It was a scary and big purchase to make, but then I have to remind myself that the amount we spent on both these items was HALF what people pay at the posh baby store up the street for a single set of drawers, so that makes me feel better.

It's just getting so REAL!

Nesting is a funny funny thing

2008-09-04T14:14:00.003-04:00

I think it's safe to say that both Tim and myself are in the AAAAAAAAAAAAH Nesting phase. Though I will freely admit that I'm in much more of a hyper mode, we're both finding ourselves a bit antsy over the very near future arrival of our daughter.

For those not in-the-know, "nesting" is a term in the parenting/baby-focused world regarding the period in the last few months of gestation in which the extreme, guttural urge to prepare your home and space for your impending spawn completely takes over your life. You find yourself in a focused state wherein all of your surroundings are scrutinized and your brain becomes a series of to-do and to-buy lists. The tiniest of chores or items to be acquired become big worries, making each day that ticks by another day lost, another day where you are more and more ill prepared to be a parent.

The impact that nesting has had on me has been dramatic. I think I told myself I wouldn't be "one of those people," but oh yes, yes I am. I am finding myself driven to wash all of the baby's sheets, curtains and clothing, to fold and prepare them and clean them, even though I still have seven weeks left. I find myself standing in the middle of the baby's room, just staring, thinking, "OH MY GOD I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS," not knowing just how much time has elapsed since I entered the room. I am constantly scanning craigslist and ebay, terrified that we'll forget to buy some big item or that my crib set will fall through (it's being handed down from my sister's sister-in-law, who is still using it for her toddler.) I am looking all around and finding clutter, clutter everywhere. I am just so damned scared I'm ill prepared.

But it's not just anxiety. It's excitement. I'm putting the sheets in the porta-crib because I just want to see what the room would look like in stasis, waiting for the girl. I keep hugging the baby clothes, smelling them and wondering what it will be like to have them filled with a little person. I have cleaned the bottles already and, even though I won't use them until the daughterling is a month or so old anyways, I keep picking them up and smiling at the idea of putting them to use. It's just so magical, like waiting for the best Christmas ever.

It's just so hard. Because I can feel it, it's like the whole universe and the air and everything are whispering, "soon, soon!" And having to wait is making me both giddy with excitement and wild with anxiety.

I think of the term "nesting" and I wonder if birds feel this way, too. I don't know. I think it may just be some crazy human thing we made up, just another piece of static for our daily chatter. But boy, it sure feels like a tangible, hard-wired set of reactions to me. Primal and bizarre.

gratitude

2008-09-02T09:35:00.002-04:00

I had my baby shower on Saturday and I cannot express how lucky I feel. My sister put so much hard work into organizing the event, including tons of cooking and Martha Stewart-like hostessing. My mother and mother-in-law also pitched in, as well as my sister's close friends, my niece and her good friend. So many friends and family trucked on up to the Frederick area to help celebrate our daughter-to-be and lend their support. It was so fantastic, so much better than I could have imagined.

I'll admit that although I'm a performer, I can't stand to have attention on me in a regular setting. Sure, family/friend gatherings are one thing, but whole events centered on me are daunting and flattering. I was a bit scared of having so many people there to focus on me and my pregnatude that I found myself working like crazy with my sister and everyone on setting out food and stuff for the shower, because I was nervous and needed distraction. But it was awesome! Everyone was so relaxed and I got to just sit back, mingle and enjoy myself.

So, as to the loot... we walked away with some awesome clothes for the gal (she is going to be more hip and trendy than Tim and I can ever hope to be) as well as some necessities, like two Boppys, a nifty snack ball, rattles, toys, bedding, etc. What I really loved was how all of my friends and family had really put themselves into their gifts and what they gave reflected them. It was great to receive handmade gifts as well, like soakers/kimonos/burpcloths from Amy and a beauteous receiving blanket from Linda.

Now we have to gear up for the rest of the crazy baby spending. I tell ya, there is a LOT you have to acquire for start-up supplies. But thankfully we have some moolah stored up, so we should be ok. One awesome thing I found out is that a new shop is opening in Pikesville this weekend that sells cloth diapering and mothering materials. I'm going to give it a go on Sunday and see what it's like. I really would like to get to try some things out and see what I'm interested in buying before I go all gung-ho.

I'm a hobbit

2008-08-19T09:06:00.002-04:00

Yes, a hobbit. Why, you ask? Because just like those little guys with the furry feet, I have found myself enamored of a new daily ritual: Second Breakfasts. This glorious occassion takes place about three hours after my First Breakfasts and, yes, is limited to a second serving of breakfast like food, no exceptions. For the rest of the day, I eat pretty much as is usual, but the morning is food time for the Daughterling.

They say that babies have patterns in the womb, daily schedules and habits they adhere to. And I've found this to be very true, especially regarding feedings. Here is a rough run-down of Daughterling's current schedule:

6:00 a.m.- wake up starving (7:00 a.m. on the weekends..eep!) This is accompanied with Daughterling kicking like crazy, in a very, "YAAAAAAAARGH!!! Feed meeeeeeeee!" sort of fashion.

6:15 a.m.- partake of one of the following: bowl of lucky charms, hard boiled egg (I'm adding these in to try and curb more eating later, not really working), chocolate chip pancakes, greek yogurt.

8:00 a.m.- experience extreme hunger sensations in the car en-route to work. Thank the heavens I don't have one of those awesome GPS systems that shows me where food sources are, or I'd be tardy to work every day.

8:30 a.m.- dash out of car and run to work fridge for cheese/fruit snack OR pull into the local coffee shop next to work, resolved to eat something as an alternative to going mad with hunger. Usually walk out with a small coffee and a bagel w/low fat cream cheese (if I'm being good), a butter croissant (if I'm being a little bad) or a sausage/egg/cheese bagel (if I'm really really hungry and body is in the 'you must do this or baby/you won't survive the winter' mentality.)

9:00-10:00 a.m.- Daughterling begins training for Olympic Women's Soccer Team, kicking like crazy and shifting/tactical manoeuvres.

11:00 a.m.- Vague hunger comes back, triggering the "don't forget about lunch at noon" instinct.

Noon- Lunch times! Usually something pretty healthy, though co-workers are sabotaging lately with their delicious baked goods and homemade pasta salads.

2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m.- Hungry again. The great, "do I go and buy a Maggie Moo's milkshake???" debate rages in my head. Decide five bucks a day on milkshakes alone will sap the bank account in no time. Settle for baby carrots and cheese squares instead.

4:00 p.m.- more kicking ensues as Daughterling trains to apparently join an Irish step dancing team in the future. Odd movements, giant leaps and flailing kicks ensue.

5:00 p.m.- Drive home, daydreaming about dinner and sitting on my duff. By the end of my commute, am Cranky Hunger Monster, in need of less traffic and a light snack upon entering the home.

6:00 p.m.- Have light snack, usually consisting of: 2 pickle spears, more greek yogurt, coffee cup full of Lucky Charms, small cake cone of ice cream (hey! I only get this excuse right now) or anything else yummy I can muster. Go work on dinner or wait for Timmerz to come home and make dinner.

6:30 p.m.- Daughterling kicks approval at dinner. Usually spreads out and pushes some pointy body object (knee, elbow, pointy pointy head?) at an angle that is very uncomfortable and a bit disconcerting.

9:00 p.m.- Hunger starts up again. Go in for second or somethimes third small cake cone of ice cream (in my defense, I am not doing a standard issue ice cream shop giant one/two scoops on these, people. Seriously, I barely fill the cake cone and eat that... I have SOME limits, here.)

10:00-11:00 p.m.- Settle down to bed and try to read. Wherein Daughterling begins judo practice, possibly fusing judo with Irish step dance in some odd new and groundbreaking fashion. Tim tries to feel and the girl immediately stops, trying to make an ass out of me and make Tim feel bad. YES this is our child. Make note to self to enforce even more chores when child comes of age as payback.

Repeat times every day. Sometimes throw in dance rehearsal, a neighborhood walk, going out to a movie or some other random social event.

It's kind of neat having these routines, but it also makes me feel a bit out of control. I don't know if I can get across how the hunger is not something I create, but more of a crazy, evolutionary runaway train that grabs me and forces me to food. It's like birds migrating or tectonic plates shifting- it just is.

Gettin on up!

2008-08-13T16:19:00.002-04:00

As of this Saturday, I am 30 weeks pregnant. That is one big number. Especially when you think that normal gestation is around 40 weeks or so (some say 38). Yipes! The number itself has me daunted a bit and has set me in motion for what some call "nesting."

The term "nesting" applies to the female instinct, usually occurring in the last stages of pregnancy, to set into motion plans to create an optimal environment for her offspring. This feeling can, apparently, effect the male as well, causing a surge and flurry of activity to turn their home into a baby-welcoming sanctuary.

Now, I'm not sure I buy the "nesting" idea as an instinct. It comes a bit too close to the "women were made to be maternal" and the "the drive to be a mother is a natural instinct in women" for my feminist self. However, I think of nesting being a natural, psychological reaction to welcoming a new life into your world. I think it's only logical and necessary, whether you're a female or male, to freak out and say, "OMG we're going to have this little kid thing here in t-minus 3...2...1."

Well, whatever it's called, it's hit Tim and I. We've cleared out his old DJ room, moved him and myself into a new brooke/tim office space and spackled/painted the baby's room. We've also started to think of furniture and its placement, as well as cute wall decals and whatnot. I have started work on several soakers for my cloth diapering and am no longer buying maternity clothes, since I've only got a little over two months left. This week/weekend will entail the first round of washing baby clothes to have them all ready, as well as planning the seat cushion construction for the built in toy chest (that already existed in tim's old dj room/new baby room). I'm also working out my Doula situation and getting ready to go to bi-weekly doctors appointments in the next two weeks.

All is a-buzz! It feels invigorating and scary. But mostly invigorating.

And, finally, in the funniest aspect of things.. I have gained 30lbs so far! What's funny is that it's all belly/ta-ta weight, folks. All of my pre preg shirts and pants still fit just fine, if you discount the belly area. But 30lbs is just one odd number to think of. That's like one pound per week total so far! cuh-razee! I seriously don't know where it's all going... well I do, because I got this handout, but that doesn't mean I believe it! My wager is that, all told, I'll end up 50lbs up on my pre-pregnant weight. Anyone wanna take bets?

:) speaking of which, man I could use some tacos!

Ups, downs and revelations

2008-08-06T15:42:00.002-04:00

It's been a very topsy/turvy week in preggoLand.

Woke up on Saturday with itchy, painful ears that have since bloomed into full-on ear infections (of which I'm currently on Amoxycillan to clear it up.) Tim and I went to a RIDICULOUSLY CHEESY birthing class, wherein the instructor was not only ill-equipped to teach physical actions to people and the content was new-aged crap. Have had upheavals and hard days here at work tag-teamed with a huge influx of jobs and projects to pump out. Life is busy busy busy and I feel my nesting instinct kicking in, driving me to get the house ready for our new gal who is less than three months away from arriving!

On the good sides, I've had some awesome times, too. Tim and I have taken up date nights that include playing Star Wars monopoly and being silly. I've had some great times teaching students and watching them grow as dancers. Our girl is an every bigger, ever more present part of my life as she kicks away and moves. I'm feeling energized to be in the final stretch of pregnancy.

To cap off this crazy time, today I had my glucose tolerance test. This is a delightful test in which they give you this nasty orange glucose drink (that tastes like a big thing of melted icey pops) and draw your blood an hour later. I did the deed, then got over to my doc's to have them do a follow up visit and blood drawing. I had a hunch that they would forget that, since I'm a hospital employee, I get my blood drawn in our hospital lab since it's free. And yep, bingo! I show up and they're freaking out, because I have to have my blood drawn in ten minutes or I have to come back another day. So, I overhear them saying, "well, could she just pay the co-pay?" and I was like, "YES! YES I hear you and yes I don't want to do this again. I'll play the co-pay just to get it over with!" So I did and all was well.

One thing to note is that I was apprehensive to go to the doctor's visit today. This is because the doc I was scheduled to see was none other than the doctor who was a total jerk to me when I miscarried. When I called and was frantic on the phone about what I could do to stop it, he said,"You're having a miscarriage. You're just going to have to deal with it." I couldn't believe it. It was just awful how blunt and cold he was. Since, I've told myself that I was never EVER going to see him again and I wouldn't dare let him deliver this baby.

Well, I noticed yesterday that I was slated to see him and it was too late to change my appointment. So, I said to myself, "Well, you have two options. Put on your mental armor and see the guy or your baby doesn't get its check up it's supposed to have." I decided it's more important to be a good parent than to back away from someone I have issues with. Plus, I kept telling myself that maybe it was a case of bad-situation-bad-response and that maybe I was supposed to see him again for a reason, to learn to let go of my past bile and forgive him.

The rest of the story is pretty simple. I went to see him and he was an incredibly kind, compassionate and caring doctor. He was charming, sweet and excited to finally have someone having a girl come through today (he'd seen only women expecting boys) and was talking to me about pediatricians and how to find them, as well as laughing about my glucose test. From the moment I sat in his office, I let my anger melt away and was happy to find him to be a really cool guy. So, I guess it was just a bad situation. I guess he was on the phone and said the only thing he could and didn't mean to be so cruel. I'm really glad I went today, because I shed a little bit of hurt and anger, a lump of poison I'd carried for years. Forgiving is awesome.

Anyways, I'm finding more and more that, at least in my opinion, the universe wants us all to be compassionate, to forgive and offer second chances to ourselves and to others. By letting go of anger and confronting people who've harmed us, we have a chance to slough away some of the scars we carry on our hearts. I'm really glad I lost one today.

On with the rest of my day. It's another date/grocery night tonight, with the promise of bahama burgers and piping hot cookies and cold, cold milk.

gifts from hard times

2008-08-01T08:57:00.002-04:00

Tim came home last night with a large bag full of amazing, all new and never used gifts from a co-worker: tons of cute pink and bunny-ladened footsie onesies for 0-6 month babies, a cozy fleece sleeper set, cute knit hats, teething toys, a feeding/bowl set and some other goodies (I'll post a Flickr picture of the lot in a few days.) As I removed each piece, I kept feeling so blessed to have such caring, giving people around us. I also felt the giddiness of imagining that in less than three months we'll have a little daughterling to fill all these clothes.

The only bittersweet part is how we came to have them. This co-worker's good friend was expecting a girl and ended up having a miscarriage. So, she's held onto all this stuff for a long time, unable to donate or throw it away. Then, when she heard we were expecting a girl, she saw it as the right time to pass them along.

This is not the first round of gifts we've received due to another's misfortune. And though I feel so honored to have people pass along these items, these little things that used to be attached to their own thread of promise and memories to come, it's a bit hard. Because looking at them makes me realize how nothing is a given, how everything can change at a split second and how having a child is one of the biggest acts of faith a person can take on.

Before I had my miscarriage, I thought that babies were this thing you just had, that they were easy to come by, for most people and once you got preggo, BOOM... you have a baby. But after my experience, I realized that every one of us living and breathing on this earth had to go through so many tiny obstacles, so many chances of everything going wrong, that we really are miracles. That's cheesy, I know, but it's true. We all went through the challenge course of possible birth defects, malformation, exposure to illnesses that could cause miscarriages, preterm labor, leaking of fluid, stillbirth and all the other myriad issues that cause children to not be born into this world as expected.

And I know all those things are morbid. Sorry for the buzzkill. But actually, I see them as a big positive as well. If you are here on this Earth, right now, it's because a lot of little things aligned to get you here safely, a lot of chance, a lot of faith. Whether you believe in anything or not, you're here and that's amazing.

Holding these gifts from hard times, I feel a sense of power. I have been in those depths of loss and regret and I am emerging to have a healthy daughter. I don't know how I know it, but I just do. This time, I feel that things will be different. All has gone well up to this point, minus a scare or two. But when she does get here, she can rest assured knowing that, unlike some people in this world, she was hoped for, battled for and supported by the good energy and well wishes of a community of people. And that rocks.

Thank GOD for Tim

2008-07-17T14:39:00.002-04:00

I'm working from home today, watching Discovery Health while getting some design done. I have to admit to being one of those moms-to-be who is really fascinated with watching births, to try and gather as much info on what it will be like to actually give birth. Sure, I know every birth is a bit different and who knows what I'll go through. But I think the process of birth is so amazing that I just love watching them and cheering for the moms.

So, the show Birth Diaries is on, a show that follows parents from the third trimester or so to birth and the first few weeks at home. Today's episode features a woman having her second son who has the MOST JERKISH husband on the planet. It's like every moment on the show this guy gets worse, says or does something that makes him even more repulsive. First thing was his one-on-one interview with the camera in which he talked about how disgusting birth was and how there was no way he was going to look at his wife's vagina during birth. That he was so sick just thinking about it that he was contemplating not being in the room. Wow, what a winner. Because it's not about your wife being an amazing life force or anything, it's about you not having to witness the vagina in any other form than a sex object. Good job, buddy.

THEN the wife is one-on-one with the camera, talking about how she's worried she'll run over the due date. Why? Well because her husband has a bachelor party scheduled for three days after her due date and will be upset at her if he misses it. Then, cut to the husband talking about how he's so excited about this bachelor party, how it's his only chance to have a few beers with some old friends and how great it's going to be. WOW. First off, buddy, how is a bachelor party more important than your baby being born? And also, how dare you tell your wife that you are GOING to make that bachelor party, no matter what? Um, HELLO! The first few days after a baby comes are really rough and both parents are needed. Also, how is it fair that YOU, the father, get to do whatever you want while the mother has to be the baby caregiver? Just so wrong.

THEN... oh then. The delivery.

The husband is there in the room with the wife, her mom and her sister, looking so annoyed and rolling his eyes. He keeps glancing down at her vagina as she pushes and talking about how he's nauseous and going to be sick. He keeps on talking about how he can't handle this. THEN... his cell phone rings and he actually answers it! And who could it be, folks? One of his buddies calling to see if he'll make the bachelor party tomorrow. And what does he do? Talks to him! While the docs are saying, "here's the head...it's coming... just another push or so," this jerkface is talking to his bro on his cell about the party he might miss. UGH.

Honestly, this just makes me so glad I've got Tim. He's such a caring, awesome feminist husband who WANTS to see the birth, wants to be my companion and help me take care of our daughter. I am so so so glad I didn't marry someone like this guy.

Anyways, that's just a little rant. Dudes: being a father does not mean assuming some man-role in the house. It means being a co-parent, on equal terms with your wife and helping wherever you can. And the female body is awesome and amazing. You don't have to watch the birth and there's nothing wrong with admitting that you're a queasy kind of guy. But be supportive, don't complain during birth and try to be the best person you can.

the end.

Heartburn is Mean :(

2008-07-16T11:02:00.002-04:00

Well, kids, it's that special time.

My uterus has now grown above my belly button and is, in turn, compressing my stomach. This means that I am now back experiencing the joy that is heartburn. I feel like no matter what I eat, I'm finding myself full of stomach funk and nastiness. I think I'm going to have to resort back to bringing coke and pickles to work so I can get through the day again.

This would be much less of a pain if I also didn't have extreme hunger, especially in the morning. I am like a little hobbit now, with my Breakfast and 2nd Breakfasts, finding that I'm primarily hungry in the morning and only eating my normal amount at night (still a bit elevated, since I'm now in the "growing 1 pound per week" stage.) I find myself extremely ravenous during the morning, eating everything in site, only to then feel really sick/reflux ridden about a half hour later. It's just not fair.

Dear Baby-

Please work your magic and try to help me not have so much heartburn.

Thanks,

Your Mom

PS- can we stop it with the cankles, too? I look like a grody old woman.

the name game

2008-07-10T11:10:00.002-04:00

One of the questions that inevitably comes up all the time when you're pregnant is... "Do you know what you're going to name the baby?" It's done in kindness and is all out of the community desire to bring babies into the world in a loved and supportive environment, but it can be hard at times.

Tim and I had, originally, "known" what we would name a girl baby if we had one. For a few years now, we were really sold on one name that we both liked. Then, I found myself not being too hot on it for several reasons, one of which being that I worked with someone who had the name as her last name and it just seemed weird. Also, I have such a deep-rooted desire to be unique (for better or for worse) that I just felt like I wanted something new.

So we came up with a short list of names and started sharing them with friends and family. NOT so good idea. Mostly because, while friends can be supportive and awesome, family generally has a bit more invested and can lean towards the pushier side of things. For instance, having my mom outright say, "oh I HATE the name Olivia. I don't like it at all," was honest, but fairly inappropriate. I quipped back, with similar sass, "Watch it, woman. You're only selling me on that one more and more." I love my mom to death and know that she's just being her honest, blunt self. But lord, it's our kid!

So, in the end, we've decided to make a list of names and figure out what we're calling the gal after we've seen her. We're also making it clear to family that we're not really interested in any more negative feedback on names. If you ask to hear them, then be supportive of what we tell you or you're out of the name loop from here on out. Because it's our kid and she's gonna be named whatever we feel like anyways. We have no problem with people picking one or two from our list and saying, "I really like that one!" However, dissing one of our names is a no-go.

For fun, I'm going to use this post as a compiling place for possible names for the larva. Partly because I don't want to forget one and also as an archive for her later on... it's always neat to see the things you could have been named! Feel free to comment on ones you like.

So, without further ado..

THE LIST

Olivia
Delaney
Maya
Magdalene
Daveigh

Kick Monster

2008-07-01T12:35:00.002-04:00

Our little miss is a bonafide Kick Monster. A few weeks ago, I kept wishing to just feel something and now I am afraid I am getting my comeuppance.

She seems to enjoy kicking me after several occasions: 1) when I've had a lot of sugar (which makes me feel a bit bad for getting her all amped up) 2) when I'm relaxed at home or trying to sleep and, most funnily/annoyingly 3) when I really have to pee. On the third occasion, I imagine her saying, "OMG! Go to the bathroom, woman! I've got little enough space here as it is without you hogging it all up with your bladder!"

It's ok, though. It's pretty damned cool!

I just called Tim and told him that he had to have a talk with his daughter about the fact that I am trying to get work done and am being distracted by her kicking episode. So I held the phone to my belly and he told her that Mommy was doing very important work and she needed to stop kicking for a bit.

It worked! See, already she listens to him way more than she does to me. So it goes!

Psychosomatic Girliness?

2008-06-27T09:23:00.002-04:00

I think it's just some weird way I'm reacting to having a girl, but...

I AM SO MUCH more girly lately than I ever have been. I've been buying all sorts of dresses (wearing a cute one from Target today), lip gloss and lipstick, as well as being given fancy, smelly lotions and potions from a co-worker. Last night, I sprawled out in the glider while watching The Wire with the hubby and delighted in pouring SJP's Lovely lotion all over my pregnant belly. It was such a nice indulgence, especially because I didn't have to pay for the frou-frou lotion (co-worker's step-mother works for Vera Wang Perfume, so she gives her samples.) Today I think I have the most moisturized belly in the world.

The weirdest part of this is that I have generally been a tomboy. I mean, unless you count all the high-school years in which I wore girly clothing to seem cuter to boys. But really, I'm a jeans and tank top kind of girl. But something in having a girl baby has opened this door to a land of flowy skirts, dresses, pink things and soft fabrics.

Weird!

Other Ways to Give

2008-06-25T09:59:00.003-04:00

As we're about to welcome our new lil gal to the family, we know that some will want to give a gift, but won't have the means. Certainly, Tim and I have been there ourselves and want to emphasize that, for those who can't afford a baby gift, there are wonderful things you can do as our friends and family that are no less precious to us!

As parents to be, we'll need some support as we adjust to our new life plus one! So, we'd more than welcome you, our friends and family, to give us the gift of companionship and friendship.

When the baby comes, we'll need Family and Friends:

*to bring over dinner (nothing fancy)

*to visit with Brooke during her maternity leave and go on walks/outings

*to offer up basic activities (going to a park/going on a walk/etc) to get Brooke and Tim out of the house.

*any other chance to hang out and de-stress.

Besides hang-outs and visiting, if any of our crafty friends would like to help, we could gladly use:

*knitted soakers for our cloth diapering

Just wanted to remind everyone that some of the best gifts don't cost a thing!

etsy woes

2008-06-24T16:06:00.001-04:00

I've had some issues with Etsy. Or, rather, I should say I've had issues with some sellers on Etsy. I love the fact that it's this neat, online place where artists can sell their goods. What I don't like is that, being a lady who has pretty good sewing skills and a knowledge of fabrics, as well as a what I would think is a good eye for design...

1) Many sellers greatly overcharge for their products. Just because you see someone else, who happens to have AMAZING draping/sewing skills and good fabric/design choices can get $150 for a dress doesn't mean your work is worth that. A simple, "pillowcase" style cinch top made in cheap quilting cotton is not worth $50. HARDLY. Also, a very basic a-line dress in stretch fabric isn't worth $200, either. Before you sell anything online, consider your skill level as a craftsman and be honest about the quality of your product. Otherwise, your stuff will sit on Etsy for months and annoy people like me who keep finding your crap every time they search for good stuff. The one good aspect of this is that seeing these poor quality items makes the good stuff all the more noteworthy.

2) Sellers list key search words that don't fit their products just to get more hits. This especially applies to maternity items. When searching the word "maternity" on Etsy, I get results for clothing items that could never EVER in a thousand years work for pregnant women. Tight, form fitting blouses, sleek, non-stretch dresses and tailored pants (without an ultra low waist or tummy panel) are listed with the term "maternity" for no reason. The only thing I can guess is that either these people are totally ignorant or are trying to muster up more hits. This also happens when I search "vintage." I keep on shaking my head thinking, "either you have no clue what vintage means or you're just using this b/c it's a hot term."

3) Sellers are not held to task for not fulfilling their orders/having items arrive different than promised. I bought a tummy panel off of etsy back when I was about 3 months preggo. It just came about a week and a half ago. Doing the math, that means it took her TWO MONTHS to get this fulfilled. And when I did, one of the tummy panels wasn't even sewn together! YEAH! You heard me, I got two squares of white cotton I can only guess were meant to be sewn together, but shipped out anyways. I went back and checked and this gal has TONS of negative marks in the past few months, all with the same crit: seller never responded to my inquiries, seller never sent package, items arrived in the wrong size/cheaper fabric than pictured. I've since complained to etsy and hope they'll do something about this, but I'm not holding my breath. It seems others commented on complaining to etsy, to no avail. UPDATE: just went to check on my complaint/communication with said seller and their shop has been deleted. TRIFLIN!

For these reasons, I've found myself avoiding Etsy, save for sellers I know/trust. I feel like it's such a cool site set-up, but I'm tired of all of the poor examples of craftsmanship outweighing the good. I think I lost it when I saw a simple wrap skirt that I KNOW has about $15 total fabric value with novice-at-best sewing skills and MAYBE an hour tops to make for sale at $75. I'm sorry, but I don't think your crappy sewing skills are worth $65/hour, honey. Just sayin.